So in case you didn't know, Ryan tells us that it's down to the final three here on American Idol: the student, the actress, and the bartender. Hey, what about the Professor and Maryann?
So each one gets three songs this week - the judges' pick, the producers' pick, and their own pick while we pick the lint out of our bellybuttons and talk about how much they suck.
Let's just get this bitch on shall we?
Ok, we'll start with Syesha:
Yup, like Nikki McKibbon, Kimberly Locke, Jasmine Trias, Vonzell, Elliot, and whatwashername? before her, every year contestant #3 is sacrificed at the alter of the Darklord Lythgoe.
But this year's lamb did not go down without a fight. Even despite being flat-out told by the judges that there's no way in hell she is making the finals (anyone catch Randy refer to her as "number 3?"), Syesha continued on with her one woman show, "The Three-hundred Faces of Syesha: THE MUSICAL!"
For the judges pick, Randy chose the Alicia Keys song "If I Ain't Got You" to Syesha's surprise. Let's see how it went:
What? Oops, hang on, wrong show.
Here we go:
Yup, right there Syesha was playing Syesha Mercado from the failed American Idol wannabe show The One.
Next came Syesha's pick, the sultry "Fever", which she introduced while in the character of Syesha Sue Pickler while Ryan popped a woody over her prop, a "chay-air." (Maybe he's like that guy that fucks picnic tables.)
For this performance Syesha morphed into the sexy Sas-shay-sa character, but sadly, the chair still stole the show.
Finally, the producers drove the last nail into the coffin by giving Syesha a song from the movie Happy Feet--you know about penguins? Which are type of birds? And you know who has a weirdo bird-phobia right?
If they don't include a cheesy group number to a medley of different songs about birds (complete with costumes and actual birds) in the finale next week, then this show is clearly not as "in on the joke" as they long so badly to come off as. Yeah, I'm not holding my breath either.
Speaking of breathing problems,
(NOTE: The only part worth watching is that mayor dude's mustache.)
But here, watch this one:
This is actually the first time I enjoyed a David Archuleta performance! Fucking awesome---ly bad! This goes down in history with this and this. If he came up with this gem on his own, then it's just too bad that HellDaddy wasn't banned weeks ago because we could have gotten more of this kind of awesomeness and less boring songs with messages. Plus, 19E would have saved a couple hundred thousand dollars in clearance fees.
It seemed the producers wanted to punish David for that little Sean Kingston incident, so for him they chose Dan Fogelberg's (who all the kids love!) "Longer."
David actually looks like he's sitting in the corner after receiving a beating for acting up in Sunday School. Oh, and did you catch the bird lyric? See, that's code for "Fuck you Jeff!" But the producers made sure to only deliver so much pain that it wouldn't hurt David's chances of making the finale, so of course the judges were instructed to tell him (and America!) how wonderful he was and how, he's definitely, definitely going to be final two. They even back up the bus and run Syesha's lifeless corpse (Syesha's character: Satine from Moulin Rouge: glamorous death) over again just to make sure we all understand. So is everybody clear? David vs. David. Please, Ryan's already hard at work on his suspenseful "The Next American Idol.......Is.......David........"
Or maybe he's still fucking the chay-air. (Play the first minute below and then pause)
Yup, there he is. Ok, Seacrest, please, we know you're waiting for the end of the show so you can practice the "Private Dance" number from Showgirls and tell Simon that he can fuck you when he loves you, but come on, focus, you have a show to do!
Ok, hit play now and watch David's Cliff Notes version of "Dare You To Move." No, don't, we've seen this before, go back and watch Ryan get freaky with the chair again. Damn, that chair is upstaging everybody tonight, even Cook!
Thankfully, the chair was no where to be found during David's first performance.
Which was awesome. And adorable. And hot. And have I mentioned yet that I love him? And that sometimes when he hits those high notes I wonder if he does that thing where he kind of winces and squeezes his eyes shut when he climaxes in bed as well? I mean, does that make me as pathetic as his weird cougar fans? And, exactly how old do you have to be to be a cougar? Because I'm older than him, but not by that much. And, I love you David Cook.
For the producer's pick...wait, hit pause again. What in the HELL is that thing next to Ryan? That thing with the big dopey grin that keeps turning and looking at Ryan. Did Castro cut the dreads? Seriously, what the fuck is that? I can't stop watching. I'm so gonna have nightmares about this.
Ok, go ahead and hit play to check out the last performance of the night. It's now pretty obvious who the powers that be want to win.
Big rock ballad. Check! String orchestra. Check! Strobe Lights. Check! Loud guitar to force oversinging. Check! The evil Diane Warren sitting in the audience? Check!
Seriously, all that was missing was Ben Affleck, Bruce Willis, an astroid, and Selma Blair's mouth stuck on a Prince Albert piercing. Note to producers: We know he's the best. He doesn't need this kind of overpimping. We liked him better as the underdog. Don't make us grow to resent him, especially if he does win and you castrate him and attempt to turn him into another fucking Daughtry. Oh god, that's what you're going to do! NOO, not my Cookie!! Quick David, change the words to "I Don't Wanna Win This Thing!" Shit, he won't because he's too much of an awesome and stand-up guy to Blake Lewis his way out.
I need a damn nap already.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
ACKKKKKKK!!!! I knew I was gonna have nightmares!Oh god, I gotta get out of here. Sing us out, will ya Syesha?
Never knew how much I could do
Never knew how less you cared
Betcha didn't think I'd make top three
Fuck Ryan, Stop humping my chair!
I'm gonna leave ya,
You're gonna miss me
On the show next Tuesday night
Bastards! Have fun with Archie
My star's still gonna shine bright
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