Random shit I found on YouTube

Ever been so bored out of your mind that shit like this is fascinating?

BREAKING NEWS!!! ANGELINA DID NOT HAVE THE BABIES YET!

It was reported earlier today that Saint Angelina had gone into labor with her twins, but her rep has released the following comment: "Angelina has not given birth. She is fine, enjoying her home and her family in France."

Why do they toy with our emotions like this?

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"I'm shy, heehee"

Hey remember last week before the big American Idol finale there were all kinds of rumors going around about who the "BIGGEST STAR IN THE WORLD" was going to be? Well, it wasn't George Michael they were talking about.

Turns out it was supposed to be Wacko Jacko himself!

Michael was going to be the big surprise star but pulled out (insert your own sick pedo joke) at the last minute because he had stage fright.

A source told The Sun, "This was his big chance but he got stage-fright. [He kept saying] 'I can't do it. Everyone will hate me'."

Oh Michael, don't be silly, people already hate you!

In related news, David Archuleta is said to be very relieved. (I know, that was lame)

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Daily reminder that you are old:

Zac Hanson and his wife welcomed a baby boy on Tuesday. They named him John Ira Shepherd Hanson. John weighed in at 8 lbs, 4 oz.

Zac is the youngest member of Hanson (he's 22 now). The other two are married and have kids too!

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Seems like just yesterday:

HUH???

Speaking of American Idols that I'd like to procreate with, here's one that..well, not so much..but apparently someone wanted some hot Aiken sperm!

TMZ just broke news that Clay Aiken is going to be a father.

No, really. And she's due in August!!

Clay lives with a woman in her late 40's named Jaymes (yes, that's a woman) Foster. Jaymes is a record producer (her brother is David Foster) and Clay's BFF. And soon to be BABY MAMA!

Calm down everyone--he didn't knock her up that way. I mean, come on that stuff only happens in bad Madonna movies. Jaymes was artifically inseminated of course! And Clay is going to help raise the child . Wow, I thought that kind of stuff only happened in bad Jennifer Aniston movies!

Aiken's rep has not released a comment. Unfortunately neither has Kathy Griffin.

OMG, Claymates are gonna lost their shit!

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The Most Awesome Human Being in the World

Lets follow up the Bill Murray is a wifebeater story with something positive.

So I've been trying so hard to dull the David Cook thing a bit because I don't want to be one of those crazy stalker fans that watch his YouTubes over and over and send him hundreds of cookies and shit like that, but dude's making it really hard because he keeps doing one awesome thing after another (sit down Caldwell, I wasn't talking about your ass!) First the Guitar Hero commercial, then telling Ryan Seacrest to say "Chicks Man" on the Soup, then somehow managing not to burst into laughter when that old crazy owl Larry King "honored" him with his cornyass suspenders, wait a second, what was I saying before about YouTubes? Nevermind, don't answer that.

So now PEOPLE has a story about how a couple days before the Idol finale, David dropped everything to visit his friend and Top 24 contestant Luke Menard, who was recently diagnosed with Stage 2 Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, in the hospital.

David said, “I love Luke and I just wanted to show up and make sure that he understood that I love him and know that if there’s anything I can do for him and his wife, sign me up, you know? Luke, Michael Johns, Jason Yeager and myself, we kind of buddied up one day at Hollywood week. We called ourselves the four horsemen. Any time one of your own is going through something as horrible as that, it makes everything else seem a little bit insignificant. Cancer is a very big part of my existence. I’m excited to be put in [the spotlight] where I can hopefully do something to help other people.”

Luke's prognosis is positive, "They’ve been told that it’s treatable and manageable. Luke is currently in Los Angeles and plans to return home to Indiana soon,” a friend of Luke's recently told news reporters.

Seriously, this David Cook thing is getting annoying. Nobody could be that awesome and nice and sweet and humble and smart and talented and adorable. I'm sure any day now, we'll hear a story about how shortly after meeting David Cook, a little crippled girl in a wheelchair got up and walked for the first time in her tragic life. And, nobody would be surprised!

So, let's just cut the shit and do the next obvious thing and cancel the whole election and just make David Cook the new president.

Really, let's look at the facts: He has about as much experience as Obama; unlike Hilary, he owns up when involved in a scandal (Eleanor Rigby > Whitewater); and he's much younger, hotter, and more living than McCain. Plus, there's the whole stand-up, honest guy thing. There wouldn't even be any need to have an election because everybody already knows he'd win by 12 million votes. And all the money saved on the election could be used to offset gas prices. Then, once in office, David would turn around the economic crisis, fix the health care system, and bring about world peace--all through song, hand messages, and by making world leaders and crooked politicians feel like shitty excuses for human beings compared to the awesomeness that is David Cook. Then he'd rearrange the Star Spangled Banner into a beautiful and haunting post-grunge ballad.

So this November, stop searching America, because the magic rainbow for a bright future leads to COOK!

Cook/Castro in 08! VOTE! VOTE!

NOOOO!

This one makes me really sad if it's true. It just sucks to hear this stuff about certain people.

Bill Murray's wife, Jennifer, has filed for divorce and claims some of the reasons are because he is a sex and drug addict who cheated on and physically abused her. Court docs claim Bill "hit his wife in the face and then told her she was 'lucky he didn't kill her' " Jennifer has also requested a restraining order.

They did have a pre-nup for $7 million and she also has asked the court to determine if it is valid. She will make out pretty well if it is.

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Back to reality (shows), Sarah

George Clooney has kicked Sarah Larson to the curb!

Though George's rep wouldn't comment, an insider said, "George is relieved to be single again. He thinks Sarah is sweet and that is why it was so hard to break up with her. The truth is that they had little in common and he just doesn't want to be tied down."

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Ok ladies,

On your marks

Get Set

GO!

SHOCKER: Ashlee's pregnant

"Hello PEOPLE? Joe Simpson here. Yes, Ashlee has confirmed her pregnancy.....What? No, ASH-LEE. Yeah...the other one...So the going rate for first photos of babies seems to be around 2 million these days right?...No, she's not having twins...well maybe, hmmm,is it too late for the embryo to split? It is? Well we can pray, I AM a preacher hahaha! Well, let's just say one baby then, one mil? FIVE THOUSAND???? Are you crazy? Wait, what if I can get Jessica and Tony Romo in the hospital room for the delivery?? I'll even get Tony to cut the cord."

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Improvement?

Michael Lohan thinks he is setting a good example

Michael Lohan is feeling a little desperate for attention, since Dina's in the spotlight with the future Emmy award-winning Living Lohan, so he's decided to out his daughter as a lesbian and out himself as a Bible-thumping homophobe.

Michael told Usmagazine.com that Lindsay and Samantha Ronson's relationship "is evident to anyone with half a brain."

But that doesn't mean he approves. "Just like the [topless] Marilyn Monroe spread, Linds is my daughter and there are just some things a father doesn't want to see or hear, regardless of whether they are true or false."

He adds Lindsay "is a big girl, and she can make her own life choices. Then it is between her and God."

Then, for good measure, Michael decided to shift to Dina, "Maybe her mother's life revolves around the tabloids and reports, but mine doesn't. I am into setting a good example and doing good things that don't deceive or exploit my kids. But I will say this: While we were a family, you never even saw or heard a negative thing about any of us. But since the separation, look at everything that has happened!"

Speaking of, TMZ has some video of Michael setting a good example.

Step aside Matt, here comes Rooster!

One sexy bitch!

It seems now that they've (and by "they," I mean YOU E! Network) have given every C and D list celebrity their own reality show, it's time to start giving them out to anyone related to a celebrity.

Meet Rooster McConaughey (ok, his real name is Michael Patrick McConaughey). Yup, he's Matt's brother. Rooster's been living his whole life in the suck that it is to be Matthew McConaughey's brother.

But watch out world, because Rooster's got his very own reality show coming out soon! It's called Black Gold (remember that Soul Asylum song? That was a good song.) and it will debut on TruTV (the old Court TV) on June 18th. Mark Your Calendars! The show will be similar Deadliest Catch and it will be about Rooster and his friends who make their living on an oil rig and go down 10,000 feet below the earth's surface!

Oh wait a minute, Rooster doesn't actually do that. He supplies the pipes for the drills though! And, he's Matthew McConaughey's brother!! Oh and he has a son named Miller Lyte! That's more than Kim Kardashian's got going for her!

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Asshat of the Week

So Brooke Hogan was in a car accident Sunday. It wasn't her fault. Another car that was speeding hit her car and pushed it into a concrete wall while she was driving on the Bayside Bridge in Clearwater, Florida. No charges have been filed in the accident.

There were no injuries and Brooke's 2008 four-door Mercedes had $3,000 damage.

So here's why Brooke's Asshat of the Week.

Brooke posted a message on her MySpace page (which has since been removed) referencing her brother Nick's accident (you know, the one that he's serving time for for reckless driving and that left his friend John Graziano paralyzed in the hospital?) and she even goes as far as to credit Nick and John with saving her and her passenger's lives by reminding them to put on their seatbelts.

"I don't know if you heard, but my friend and I got into a really bad car accident today ourselves . . . As I turned on my car I clicked my seatbelt. As we pulled out onto the road, I looked over and realized my friend didn't have her seatbelt on. I reminded her to put it on and the minute she clicked it, a car crashed into us. It was a horrible car accident, one that most would be severely hurt in, but we had our seatbelts on and they kept us in tight."

Thank god for John!!! If not for him getting crushed to the point of most likely having to spend the rest of his life in a nursing home, Brooke might have been hurt and the world would be denied of her beauty and angelic voice!

Seriously? You fucking idiot!

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Lindsay's big, enormous, guest role on Ugly Betty!

Yeah, that was it! As for the rest of the season finale: if you missed it, no worries, go watch the "I Choose Me" episode of 90210 and pretend Kelly is Betty, Dylan is Gio, and Brandon is Henry. And throw in a lame and done-to-death Naomi Campbell cell phone joke.

Fuck, what the hell happened to this show?

Diddy's a riot!!

Eddie Murphy's ex Tracey Edmonds is now dating Sean Combs and recently dogged Eddie by calling Diddy, "the funniest man I've met."

Uh, ok. Note to Tracey: Maybe that Diddy is a laugh a minute, but just so you know, it's not that hard to be funnier than Eddie Murphy these days.

For instance, here are some things that are funnier than Eddie Murphy:







Ok, well maybe not the last one.

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Cleared!

Poison drummer Rikki Rockett has been cleared of the rape charges that were filed against him earlier this year. Turns out, he wasn't even in Mississippi when the incident was claimed to have taken place!

The person who was in Mississippi was an impostor named John Minskoff whose last name is close to Rikki's real name: John Minskosf. Ok, I'm confused too. Anyway John used Rikki's name (Rockett, I think) to convince the complaining witness to sleep with him. Or something.

Rikki released the following comment on his MySpace page: "I think it was a case where the woman and her husband unfortunately believed they could extort money from me and my band. This is a gross example of people attempting to abuse the law for personal profit. They tried to subvert and make a mockery of the criminal justice system. It is abhorrent and disgraceful. It's nice to feel like I can have my life back now. I have a Poison tour to look forward to as well as a wedding to prepare for."

Rikki then went on to rant about the press coverage he received after he was arrested: "I remain surprised that no member of the educated and savvy press ever googled the name 'John Minskoff'! Had they done so, they would have found out that in 1996, John Minskoff claimed to have been involved with the rock band, White Snake, when he lured and kidnapped a 15-year-old girl in Reno, Nevada. Minskoff is a violent career criminal and felon and convicted perjurer with multiple convictions who has admitted to impersonating "rock stars" to sexually pursue women." He said later that he looked forward to serving the press with some "healthy lawsuits."

See the Penis Chart never lies!

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So You Think You Can WHAT THE HELL??

Anyone else having Idol withdrawal yet? It's ok!! Fox has your methadone: So You Think You Can Dance is back!

If you didn't watch it last night, you missed this guy. His name is Robert Muraine. It freaks me out when people can do this kind of stuff. I wish I could, I'd do it everywhere just to mess with people - the grocery store, in line at the DMV, church.....

Fun with Charlie and Denise!

These two are all class!

Denise is promoting her upcoming reality show by telling anyone that will listen about text messages that Charlie has been sending her.

She recently told the NY Post, "Last week, I sent Charlie a text message asking him if he's going to Family Day [for daughter Sam's school] and letting him know Sam was sick with a cold. His response was, 'I hope you and your worthless retarded father get cancer and join your stupid mom. Rot in hell you [bleeping] whore. My mom died of cancer. This is what I deal with on a weekly basis. He missed Dad's day at the school, and my father had to go in his place. And this is how he talks to me?"

On Wednesday's Today show, Charlie claimed that Denise emailed his fiancee, asking her for his sperm.

Denise said the email was a fake and that, "I don't want Charlie's prostitute-tranny-infested sperm. I have two beautiful kids. We'll leave it at that. I am so over him. He's the one who can't move on. He's disgusting, and he's hit an all-time low."

But wait there's more!

Charlie's rep then issued the following statement: "Denise seems to be denying the existence of [the] e-mail. This goes beyond a he-said-she-said. We have an offer from a [live] TV show. They will bring a computer expert to diagnose the e-mail and to verify it was sent by her e-mail address and to verify it was neither altered nor edited. Computer DNA — it is conclusive. The only time Charlie has spoken on TV about her, they were sound bites at red-carpet visits or during set visits. He has not gone on multiple TV shows this week."

Why not just put them both on the Moment of Truth?

So after that, Denise created a fake Myspace account for Charlie and sent friend requests to trannies and hookers all over the world.

Then Charlie photoshopped a picture of Denise to make her look fat with a lot of cellulite and leaked it to the media.

Then Denise's rep hired a computer expert to diagnose the photo and verify that it was, in fact tampered with.

Then Denise wrote "FOR A GOOD TIME CALL:" and then wrote Charlie's name and phone number in every gas station bathroom stall in Los Angeles. (Britney Spears has reportedly called him.)

Those crazy kids!! They SOOOO want to get back together!

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See, there was nothing to worry about all along!

David Cook wins American Idol 2008! (2007 for Randy, who by the way, tonight is playing the part of Captain Kangaroo by way of Chikezie)



Aww, so sweet when he won!! I even shed a tear. But then they got to the cornynation song (which was NOT the 80's movie montage song) and he had to sing about "searching for a magic rainbow." Oh dear....let's hope this isn't a taste of things to come.

I'm too happy for him right now to start thinking about that crap though, so let's relive some of the highlights from last night's cheesetastic finale! Which was fucking awesome!! Good job Idol (and I'm totally being serious. Ok, maybe the three pomegranate martinis helped a little.)




Did you hear? There's a new Mike Meyers movie coming out called "The Love Guru!!" This skit was actually pretty funny thanks to Mike talking about Archuleta growing pubes (which poor Archie doesn't understand) and to Archuleta's adlibbed shaving cream catch.


Then there was the "lost" tape of Gladys Knight auditioning her new Pips:


It doesn't get any awesomer than Jack Black and Robert Downey Jr. Oh look, Ben Stiller's there too.


Try not to take your eyes off Amanda "I don't give two fucks" Overmeyer's bitchface and half-assyness when the Top 6 girls sing with Donna Summer:


Seacrest makes up for Amanda's shitty tude at 4:10. Watch him bust out! Can't blame him. Sometimes you just can't help it when you hear the music of the Divine Donna Summer!

Here's the Top 12 singing a medley of George Michael songs:


David Hernandez gets the "naked" line!

George Michael makes everybody forget about that whole "bathroom" incident:



They promised us the "BIGGEST STAR IN THE WORLD!"...and delivered:



Oh shit, you gotta warn us before you do that!:


I went to take a pee break and missed half of this last night. Thank god for YouTube!! Hey Cook, I got a Metrocard, call me!

Oh shit, you gotta warn us before you do that!:


I went to take another pee break and missed half of this, making me wish it was a poo break. Archie's a cute kid, but this was creepy. Thank GOD Lou Pearlman is locked up.

Who told Jordin Sparks this dress was a good idea?


Jennifer Hudson's stylist?

Who told Carrie Underwood this dress was a good idea?


She just needs a white hat with netting and she's all set for her wedding at city hall!

David Cook performed with ZZ Top and kids around the world said "who are those weird guys with the long beards?"


Hey David, you got that whole Metrocard reference before, right? Just making sure.

Syesha duets with Seal:


Brooke duets with Graham Nash:


Carly duets with...Michael Johns? Ok..


Jason Castro duets with.....nobody:


And unfortunately, he doesn't sing "Memory".

David Archuleta sang "Too Late to Apologize"


Jeff Archuleta said "Damn right son, you're getting the belt!"


Let's find out how Archie's fans reacted:




By the way, has anyone seen Archie since yesterday anyway? I'm a bit worried.

Who exactly got owned here? (answer: America)

So here we are: David vs. David.
The last night of competition starts with a microphone being lowered down. Oh shit!! Mr. Kennedy's here!! This isn't going to suck!!!

But no, it was just a set up for a lame boxing metaphor filled introduction of the Davids. Which, didn't they already do this for Clay vs. Ruben in Season 2? See, all the more reason to go with wrestling.



I think this was the point that Cook decided he was going to check out, bummed a joint from Castro, just said "fuck it" and hammed it up, which was pretty awesome and adorable. Archuleta looks like Little Mac from Mike Tyson's Punchout. Ok, so this was kind of cute and funny. They're gonna leave it at that right? Or are they going to beat it to death and keep showing promos of the two making "mean", serious, and utterly hysterical faces into the camera while intercutting shots of a shirtless, headless boxer that is obviously neither of the two Davids? Take one guess.

Clive Davis and Andrew Lloyd Webber are there to coach (and in Webber's case, creepily sorta come on to) the final two in this BATTLE TO THE DEATH!

Archuleta apparently won the coin toss in an untelevised moment last week (hmmm) and his Daddy told him to go last so Cook is up first singing Clive Davis' pick for him U2's "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For":




Hey, did you know? Just like Paula can time travel and judge performances from the future, Randy can travel back in time and check out the past, like here when he refers to the night as the "Duel of 2007" between the 17-year old and the risky guy with spiky hair. Wait.

Paula says "We finally found what we're looking for..and it's David Cook." But when she says "we" she's referring to the Cougar Club of America who seem to have elected "Cookie" as their new coverboy and David gets a little nervous and looks down as his dick shrivels a little and for a second considers going back to the old hair.

Simon loved it and everything seems to be going along as predictably as we all would have imagined after last week.

But then:




Round One goes to Archuleta????

Oh Simon, I see what you're doing. You just want it to look fair right? Best to give Archie at least one round and the earliest one so you could break out the Cook pimp parade you've been twirling the baton in all week at the end. I see.



Time for Round Two. This time each David selects a song from the top ten finalists in the cornynation songwriting contest.

Again Cook goes first, singing a song called "Dream Big." Well, that doesn't sound cliche at all! Let's check it out.



This song sound so familiar. Damn, where have I heard this before?



Could be, or maybe:



It's on the tip of my tongue. Shit, I hate when that happens.

So anyway, David did what he could with it and received a lukewarm reception from the judges.


Next up, is Archie to sing a song called "In This Moment Like This Is My Now, Do I Make You Proud" or some shit like that:



Yes, there was actually a lyric which poses the question: while staring at your yourself in a window how can that window encompass the perfection... that is your reflection? I hear you on that one Archie, I wonder that all the time!

Of course the judges eat that rainbow moment shit up, wash it down with puppy piss, and ask for seconds. So Archie gets Round Two. Huh?



Finally, the Davids get to choose which song they'll perform last.


David Cook chose "The World I Know" by Collective Soul:



At first I didn't understand the ho-hum selection, but after reading the lyrics, it really makes sense considering the night's order of events: "Has all the kindness gone? Hope still lingers on. I drink myself of newfound pity" And then he cries! OH SHIT, there I go! I want to hug him!

Randy liked it, Paula purrs, and Simon says he should have done "Billie Jean" again. And David awesomely talks back!!! He says, "why do something I already did??" BURN!

And now, here to do something he already did...



Umm..... A "knockout?" What's going on? I thought Simon liked David Cook better! I thought they didn't want to have to deal with ScaryDaddy Archuleta! I thought David Cook was the favorite!

THAT'S SO UNFAIR TO DAVID COOK!!! WAAAAAAA!!!


Wait, I know!

I'm gonna go vote a million times for David Cook! No, I'm going to vote TWO million times!! Let's all do this! Yeah, we'll show them!!! We'll make David Cook the winner by a landslide!! And it will be even better because he'll overcome the odds of those mean judges and it will be a big surprise and much better than if he was just declared the winner outright! Yeah!


Wait.



Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh..


I feel so used.

One less nasty pedophile on the street

So while the New Kids on the Block are reuniting, their former manager, Lou Pearlman has been sentenced to 25 years in prison for money laundering and conspiracy to which he pleaded guilty in March.

Lets hope he goes to a real prison where he'll be treated how his pedo-ass deserves and not one of those pussy prisons for white collar criminals.

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Newlyweds!

So as we have all heard by now Jessica Alba and Cash Warren had a top-secret wedding on Monday at the Beverly Hills courthouse! Forget Ashlee and Pete's stupid Alice in Wonderland themed fantasy wedding, THIS is the kind of stuff every girl dreams about for her big day!

Of course, PEOPLE got the first photos of the now newlyweds post wedding. Here they are at the Celebration of Mentoring Awards and Gala at the Beverly Hills Hotel. Cash and his friend were honored with a humanitarian award for producing the documentary Made in America about gang violence in L.A.


Archives Special: Shhh ... Top Secret Weddings!

Got Pepto?

Seriously, some things we just don't need to see.

PEOPLE is FIRST!!!

Of course, PEOPLE got the first photos of Ashlee and Pete's fantasy wedding! And look! They even got a couple shots of Jessica and Tony Romo's fantasy relationship.

David vs David Spoilers

photo VFTW

So who's excited about the American Idol finale beginning tonight? I am, but I'm kind of sad too because it means that the cheesefest will be over soon and because it's probably going to be the last time I will enjoy seeing David Cook before he wins and they turn him into a Daughtry clone and then I will grow to hate him. Which will be hard, because I love him with the intensity of 100 Bo Bices, but I just have to bring myself to accept it. Like Liesl in the Sound of Music when her boyfriend became a Nazi. It will be worth it for the shot of Jeff Archuleta's face though. Oh, please get a nice close-up of that shit!

If you just can't wait, here are spoilers on tonight's song choices and tomorrow night's big finale from MJ'SBlog :

Song Spoilers:

* Personal song choices have leaked: David Archuleta will reprise “Imagine” per Nigel Lythgoe Thursday on Ryan Seacrest’s KISS morning show. David Cook will sing a new song, U2’s “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For”, per a report on FOX news. Cookie is the first Idol to get a U2 song cleared for competition.

* The Davids picked their own coronation song from the 10 most popular songs in the list of 20 that were available for online voting, per Nigel. How’s that for a twist? We don’t know which song either contestant has chosen yet.

* Clive Davis chose a song for the Davids. There are rumors swirling about, but there are no clear choices yet. I’ll bet the picks are AWESOME! /sarcasm.

Wednesday Finale:

* The So You Think You Can Dance dancers will be performing on Wednesday’s finale
* Two Idols from each of the previous six seasons will come back to perform a group number. Hooray! Bo Bice has already confirmed. Yahoo.

* Carrie Underwood will perform her new single “Last Name”, according to her My Space.

* There’s going to be another “Dead Elvis” video (last year, Celine Dion sang a “duet” with Elvis Presley), this time including several people, per Nigel on KISS.

* The “biggest star” in the world will be there, says Nigel. Robert Downey Jr. perhaps? He’ll be there according to the FOX report. Nigel is probably high enough to think Robert Downey Jr. is a big star.

* Nigel told Ryan this morning that the Top 5 will sing duets with “somebody”. FOX news is reporting (see video after the jump) that “each of the Idols” will be singing with one of the celebrity mentors who appeared during the season. There were four mentors: Mariah Carey, Neil Diamond, Dolly Parton and Andrew Lloyd Webber. If she’s talking about the Top 5 duets, who would be the 5th mentor? Paul McCartney or Ringo Starr? McCartney would fit the “biggest star in the world” description. But, neither Beatle were actually mentors. Or, maybe the FOX reporter is talking about something else entirely?

* Nigel and FOX confirmed a Jonas Brothers appearance.

* Paula Abdul will debut a song from her upcoming album, and the Top 12 will also be performing alongside Paula for a special group number. Who knows. Maybe Pauler got cold feet and changed her mind. Yahoo.

* The band One Republic (responsible for the mega-hit “Apologize”. Ryan Tedder from the band recently wrote for Clay Aiken and Blake Lewis) canceled a gig in order to be available for the finale.

"The biggest star in the world??" That could only mean one person!

Mutt's a dog

Last week it was announced that the 14 year marriage of Shania Twain and music producer Robert "Mutt" Langea was over due to the couple's "growing apart" (Mutt's words), but now it sources tell PEOPLE that it's due to the old sleeping with the secretary cliche.

Mutt's longtime secretary and manager of Mutt and Shania's home in Switzerland, Marie Ann Thiébaud is the woman in question. A source said, "Mutt and Marie Ann left their spouses for each other and are still in a relationship."

Mutt denies the claim and told PEOPLE it that was not the reason for the split. He also denied having a relationship with Thiébaud: "I'm not, no," he said. It's not true." Which of course means it is.

Shania, meanwhile is "devastated" and spending time with friends and family.


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Did you ever notice...

...how many shot-for-shot spoofs of the Journey "Separate Ways" video there were on YouTube? It's the new Rickrolling!









I blame the rising gas prices--this is what people are being forced to do with their time now that they can't afford to go anywhere.

I'd like to thank metalsludge for bringing attention to this epidemic.

For the love of God, DON'T move the boogie board

Seriously, is she naked?

Danny Noriega has big non-purple problems.

Poor Danny Noriega, he's had a hell of a week.

First he didn't get invited to Wednesday's American Idol finale.

Now, his bitch mother got him beige paint instead of purple. I mean BEIGE, PUR-PLE, BEIGE, PUR-PLE:



It's ok, though. As he said, he's moving in with Ramiele soon anyway, right?

WRONG.

Ramiele recently gave an interview to the Philippine Post newspaper and when they asked her if she still plans to move in with (former?) BFF Danny, she said, "Not gonna happen." BURN!!!

Why'd she have to go and make things so complicated?

Gee, I wonder if he's gonna make a YouTube about it!


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When did this happen??

We finally have a baby bump!

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Jessica goes on a honeymoon too! With her parents!

So Jess was pretty sad about being all alone after Tony punched his timecard out after Ashlee and Pete's big day, so mom and dad took her to Mexico.

Kind of like the equivalent of getting the other child a present on one of your kids birthdays so they won't throw a tantrum.

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Hey little sister, Shotgun!

Did you hear?!! Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz got married on Saturday. And she's pregnant!

The couple wed in a sunset ceremony at Papa Joe's home in Encino, CA. The ceremony was non-denominational. Jessica was Ashlee's maid of honor and poor Tony Romo still has to pretend to be her boyfriend so she wouldn't look totally pathetic. Pete's bulldog, Hemingway, served as ring-bearer to add some beauty and class to the event.

Also in attendance: Nicole and Joel, the members of Fall Out Boy, Scrubs actor Donald Faison along with girlfriend, CaCee Cobb (Jess' former assistant)

Ashlee wore an ivory Monique Lhuillier gown and the bridgesmaids wore Vera Wang.

Wolfgang Puck, catered the event. No word on whether anyone has since been diagnosed with hepatitis A.

And finally, according to OK!, a source said Ashlee revealed at the reception that she was indeed knocked up.

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The most awesome thing you'll see all day

Check out this kick-ass rare performance by KISS!!!

Is nothing sacred?

Hey, this was funnier when I was stoned!

Beavis and Butthead creator Mike Judge said in a recent interview that he's considering making a live-action movie out of the 90's cartoon. "I feel like it's something I can come back to and do."

No Mike, it's not!

On who would play the characters he said "I guess Seann William Scott's kinda got Butt-Head eyes. A long time ago, Johnny Depp had said to me that he really wanted to play Beavis. ... He was doing that ['Don Juan DeMarco'] movie with Marlon Brando, and he said Marlon Brando used to imitate Butt-Head, and he would do Beavis."

Ok, Mike, Johnny was JOKING! (Although, he's probably the one person that could maybe make it work.) And Marlon's DEAD!

God, I really hope this doesn't happen.

I wouldn't be totally against another feature-length cartoon though. It could be about what happened to Beavis and Butthead and what they are doing in present time. If they aged in real time, Beavis and Butthead would be around 30 now. I'm sure they'd still be on the couch, but now they wouldn't be able to find any videos on MTV to make fun of. Of course Stuart would be some Bill Gates type millionaire now.

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I call bullshit

Remember that picture of Joel Madden and Lindsay Lohan? Well, despite Lindsay currently being a lesbian, Star is running with the scandalous story.

One "on-looker" said, "Their heads were practically touching, and he had his leg over hers. Joel has a flirtatious side, and he definitely wasn't turning her away."

Then Paris supposedly sent Nicole a text that read: "Lindsay was all over Joel!"

Then a "friend of the couple" who claims to be with Nicole at the time said that she tried to call Joel, but he didn't answer the phone. "He was so zeroed in on Lindsay, he never heard his cell ring. Nicole felt so incredibly helpless and upset that she threw her phone against the wall in a rage."

Wow!! That friend saw how Joel was zeroed in on Lindsay and then saw Nicole throw her phone? I had no idea Nicole and Joel are friends with David Copperfield, because those are some magic powers that friend must have had to be in two places at one time!

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We can all sleep now!

St. Angelina confirmed yesterday that she is indeed having twins (after Jack Black outed her on the Today Show)

Now Angie's other Kung-Fu Panda co-star Dustin Hoffman has blabbed her due date to Today show reporter Natalie Morales. God, these people need lives of their own!

The babies are due on August 19th.

I'm sure any day now, one of the pandas will reveal the sex of the babies, what the names are, and the birthing method. Stay tuned for the breaking news!

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Guess who this is?

If you said Michelle Pfeiffer, you're WRONG!!!

It's Kate Moss!! Apparently dressed as a flasher.

For the first time, everyone in America agreed with Simon

Even though it's scary, watch the whole thing, it's worth it for Simon! It's like a really good horror movie, where you scream and laugh at the same time.

Oh yeah, also David Archuleta said "Gosh" a record 2,087 times in 10 minutes, David Cook got pimped out some more (with Daughtry background music! NOOO!), in a shocking twist, Syesha was eliminated, and all over the country lame people think they're being clever by saying, "I predict David will win!"

Two guys, a girl, and a chair

So in case you didn't know, Ryan tells us that it's down to the final three here on American Idol: the student, the actress, and the bartender. Hey, what about the Professor and Maryann?

So each one gets three songs this week - the judges' pick, the producers' pick, and their own pick while we pick the lint out of our bellybuttons and talk about how much they suck.

Let's just get this bitch on shall we?


Ok, we'll start with Syesha:



Yup, like Nikki McKibbon, Kimberly Locke, Jasmine Trias, Vonzell, Elliot, and whatwashername? before her, every year contestant #3 is sacrificed at the alter of the Darklord Lythgoe.

But this year's lamb did not go down without a fight. Even despite being flat-out told by the judges that there's no way in hell she is making the finals (anyone catch Randy refer to her as "number 3?"), Syesha continued on with her one woman show, "The Three-hundred Faces of Syesha: THE MUSICAL!"

For the judges pick, Randy chose the Alicia Keys song "If I Ain't Got You" to Syesha's surprise. Let's see how it went:



What? Oops, hang on, wrong show.

Here we go:



Yup, right there Syesha was playing Syesha Mercado from the failed American Idol wannabe show The One.

Next came Syesha's pick, the sultry "Fever", which she introduced while in the character of Syesha Sue Pickler while Ryan popped a woody over her prop, a "chay-air." (Maybe he's like that guy that fucks picnic tables.)



For this performance Syesha morphed into the sexy Sas-shay-sa character, but sadly, the chair still stole the show.

Finally, the producers drove the last nail into the coffin by giving Syesha a song from the movie Happy Feet--you know about penguins? Which are type of birds? And you know who has a weirdo bird-phobia right?



If they don't include a cheesy group number to a medley of different songs about birds (complete with costumes and actual birds) in the finale next week, then this show is clearly not as "in on the joke" as they long so badly to come off as. Yeah, I'm not holding my breath either.

Speaking of breathing problems,



(NOTE: The only part worth watching is that mayor dude's mustache.)

But here, watch this one:



This is actually the first time I enjoyed a David Archuleta performance! Fucking awesome---ly bad! This goes down in history with this and this. If he came up with this gem on his own, then it's just too bad that HellDaddy wasn't banned weeks ago because we could have gotten more of this kind of awesomeness and less boring songs with messages. Plus, 19E would have saved a couple hundred thousand dollars in clearance fees.

It seemed the producers wanted to punish David for that little Sean Kingston incident, so for him they chose Dan Fogelberg's (who all the kids love!) "Longer."



David actually looks like he's sitting in the corner after receiving a beating for acting up in Sunday School. Oh, and did you catch the bird lyric? See, that's code for "Fuck you Jeff!" But the producers made sure to only deliver so much pain that it wouldn't hurt David's chances of making the finale, so of course the judges were instructed to tell him (and America!) how wonderful he was and how, he's definitely, definitely going to be final two. They even back up the bus and run Syesha's lifeless corpse (Syesha's character: Satine from Moulin Rouge: glamorous death) over again just to make sure we all understand. So is everybody clear? David vs. David. Please, Ryan's already hard at work on his suspenseful "The Next American Idol.......Is.......David........"

Or maybe he's still fucking the chay-air. (Play the first minute below and then pause)



Yup, there he is. Ok, Seacrest, please, we know you're waiting for the end of the show so you can practice the "Private Dance" number from Showgirls and tell Simon that he can fuck you when he loves you, but come on, focus, you have a show to do!

Ok, hit play now and watch David's Cliff Notes version of "Dare You To Move." No, don't, we've seen this before, go back and watch Ryan get freaky with the chair again. Damn, that chair is upstaging everybody tonight, even Cook!

Thankfully, the chair was no where to be found during David's first performance.



Which was awesome. And adorable. And hot. And have I mentioned yet that I love him? And that sometimes when he hits those high notes I wonder if he does that thing where he kind of winces and squeezes his eyes shut when he climaxes in bed as well? I mean, does that make me as pathetic as his weird cougar fans? And, exactly how old do you have to be to be a cougar? Because I'm older than him, but not by that much. And, I love you David Cook.

For the producer's pick...wait, hit pause again. What in the HELL is that thing next to Ryan? That thing with the big dopey grin that keeps turning and looking at Ryan. Did Castro cut the dreads? Seriously, what the fuck is that? I can't stop watching. I'm so gonna have nightmares about this.

Ok, go ahead and hit play to check out the last performance of the night. It's now pretty obvious who the powers that be want to win.



Big rock ballad. Check! String orchestra. Check! Strobe Lights. Check! Loud guitar to force oversinging. Check! The evil Diane Warren sitting in the audience? Check!

Seriously, all that was missing was Ben Affleck, Bruce Willis, an astroid, and Selma Blair's mouth stuck on a Prince Albert piercing. Note to producers: We know he's the best. He doesn't need this kind of overpimping. We liked him better as the underdog. Don't make us grow to resent him, especially if he does win and you castrate him and attempt to turn him into another fucking Daughtry. Oh god, that's what you're going to do! NOO, not my Cookie!! Quick David, change the words to "I Don't Wanna Win This Thing!" Shit, he won't because he's too much of an awesome and stand-up guy to Blake Lewis his way out.

I need a damn nap already.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

ACKKKKKKK!!!! I knew I was gonna have nightmares!



Oh god, I gotta get out of here. Sing us out, will ya Syesha?

Never knew how much I could do
Never knew how less you cared
Betcha didn't think I'd make top three
Fuck Ryan, Stop humping my chair!

I'm gonna leave ya,

You're gonna miss me
On the show next Tuesday night
Bastards! Have fun with Archie
My star's still gonna shine bright

SPLIT!

Ashlee's rumored to be tying the knot this weekend, but poorJess isn't having such great luck in the men department.

It's being reported by a Chicago blog that Tony spent the weekend out on the town, boozing it up with friends
and surrounded by women.

A friend of Tony's told the blog, "They're broken up. He told us they broke up and that was that. We're guys so we didn't talk about it much."

Back to the old drawing board for Papa Joe!

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Revolving Jail Door

Scott Weiland turned himself in to jail to serve his 192 hour sentence, and was released after serving only 10 hours.

Let that be a lesson!

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Ohhhhhhhhhhh Fuuuuuddddggggeeeeeee

Anchorwoman Sue Simmons made a little fuck-up on yesterday's broadcast. The apology's even better!

Sue's awesome, I think she keeps a flask under the desk.

Check out the clip below: