Well, they're all boobs

Underwear firm Bravissimo recently conducted a poll asking 1,000 women which Spice Girl's boobs would they like to switch theirs with if given the chance? The winner? Geri Halliwell a.k.a. "Ginger" Spice. Or was it "Sexy" Spice. I think it was both wasn't it? BTW, when did she get so buff? Damn!

So here's how the ladies stacked up:

1. Geri Halliwell

2. Emma Bunton

3. Melanie Brown

4. Victoria Beckham

5. Melanie Chisholm

Poor Mel C. in dead last place. She couldn't even score above Vicky's cartoon cantaloupes.

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Silly Jen Aniston, did you buy a voodoo doll?

Oh no!! At the U.K. premiere of her new movie Beowulf, Saint Angelina's leather pants split up the crack. Oh Angie, you porker!! Geez, before you know it, she'll get so big she'll be wearing adult sized clothes!

Fortunately she had her bitch Brad with her so he was able to cover the split seam. Good job Brad! But too bad PEOPLE blew your cover.


Angie's bad luck didn't end there however. She also stepped in a huge wad of gum and got it all over her Louboutin's. (was Britney there?)

God this is like a bad 80's comedy. Or that even worse Lindsay Lohan stinker Just My Luck!

And it just kept getting worse.

Angelina also failed to notice that she had spinach stuck in her teeth:


And a huge pussy zit on her nose!


And then her head spontaneously combusted!



Personally, I think it's all the stress.

An Open Letter to E! Entertainment Network

To Whom It May Concern (I'm guessing that probably includes Ryan Seacrest):

I am writing to you as an avid viewer of your network. (Well I don't watch that Kimora Simmons show or Katie and Peter - who the hell are they anyway? Oh yeah, and Keeping Up the Kardashians? Come on now. I think I speak for most of America when I say "WHY?!" For the record The Girls Next Door are also in the "why" category. You really need to adopt the following motto for deciding whether or not to give talentless Hollywood bimbos reality shows: "Already seen their boobs? Keep them off the tube." A lot of suffering could be spared that way.)

So basically, I watch The Soup and sometimes a couple of minutes of one of your various pointless countdown shows on a Saturday afternoon (although that's usually only if I've already seen the pointless countdown show that simultaneously airs on VH1.)

Did I mention I really love The Soup?

One thing I really did enjoy was a couple of years ago when you had the Michael Jackson courtroom reenactments. That shit ruled. That was appointment TV right there.

Now I know you're probably thinking, "that was over two years ago, what would make you think of that?" (Unless you are Ryan, I know what you're thinking about. Oh and I hate to tell you but everyone knows, so just admit it already. You'll feel better. Just ask Lance Bass.) Today I was reading a story on Britney's latest court appearance. Her lawyer reportedly defended Brit not showing up to her 8:00 AM drug test by saying that pop stars don't get up that early. She even told the judge: "You are not a pop star with a number one album, so you don't know," which resulted in the the courtroom erupting in laughter. While reading this, I was picturing the scene in my head (as I'm sure everyone who did was) and it was awesome. Then I thought, how much more awesomer would it be to actually see it for real? Now as we all know, sadly, cameras are prohibited from the courtroom, much like they were in the Michael Jackson case. DING DING DING!!! Courtroom reenactments!

You guys really need to do this!! Since it's from actual transcripts and there is no need for writers, it's perfect timing with the strike that's going on. You could get Mini-Britney to play Britney and for Kevin, well, the real K-Fed isn't doing much these days! And you can call it Law and Chaotic Order. And why just stop at Britney? OJ's back in court! Every day there's some moron celebrity getting busted for drunk driving instead of just hiring a damn driver or taking a freaking cab, so the possibilities are endless. Ripped from the tabloid headlines!

Of course I will be taking a small percentage for coming up with the idea, but I'm not greedy. Just give me one Kardashian asscheek's worth. That's plenty for my modest lifestyle. I mean what more do you need than Taco Bell 7 Layer Burritos and a couple bottles of Boones Farm? I'm sure Britney herself would hear me on that one.

Think about it and get back to me.

Sincerly,

Your Mama
Asshathollywood.com

What's in the box?

A) Aqua Net

B) Bazooka

C) Crack

D) All of the above

Random Hollywood Bitchfight of the Week

So did you hear the one about the bitchfight between George Clooney and Fabio? No really.

Both were recently dining at the LA restaurant, Madeo, when George flipped off Fabio when he thought a woman in Fabio's party was taking photos of him. Fabio defended the women, saying that she wasn't taking pictures of him, but of her dinner party. Fabio also reportedly instructed George to "stop being a diva." With that, all hell broke loose and it escalated into a shoving match (because pretty boys don't actually hit each other in the faces.)

Let's settle this right here on Asshat Hollywood shall we?

Please welcome our special guests George Clooney and Fabio.


I'll start with you George. Tell me, why did you think that woman was taking pictures of you at the restaurant?

"Are you joking? Look at me! I'm the reigning Sexiest Man Alive for the second time."

"Who cares about the People Magazine, I am Fabio. I make my living being sexy. I don't even have to act or speak. That's how sexy I am. They just take my picture and give me money."

"So you are proud that you have no talent whatsoever?

"I did not say that. I am sexy. You think that is not talent? Look at this!"

"Oh, please, I don't need to wear a loincloth to prove that I'm sexy."

Excuse me, George! Yoo-hoo, um yeah, over here. I think you just may have to. I don't have a loincloth handy though so you'll have to use this Post-It note.

"Can I go now? I have go sign tubs of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter for women that are in love with me but will never have me because I am too sexy for them."

"Christ. Where's a bird and a roller-coaster when you need one?"

"That was a very traumatic experience for me and very low of you to bring up, you diva! You leave me no choice but to match it."

"You wouldn't."

"You take the good, you take the bad..."

"Stop it."

"You take them both and there you have the Facts of Life, the Facts of Life..."

"Oh, it's ON now! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT BUTTER!!!"

"TOOTIE, TOOTIE, TOOTIE!!"

"You want another shovin', don't ya BUTTERBOY!!!"

George and Fabio had to go. They are currently outside shoving and slapping each other in a mud pit filled with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter if any of you are interested.



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Shut up Tom!

For no apparent reason Tom Cruise has decided to announce that he is above worldly possessions and has shunned his multi-million dollar fortune in favor or a more simplistic lifestyle. Tom believes that his family and career are much more important than 250 million dollars.

Tom recently said, "I have no iPhone, no mobile, no e-mail address, no watch, no jewelery, no wallet. I simply want to be with my children and make movies. I am the boss of 1,000 people (but) I don't see myself as an icon."

Well duh, if you want to achieve the the highest level of Operating Thetan, it's gonna cost you!

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What? She's pregnant?

The secret is out! Jennifer Lopez has finally confirmed she and Skeletor are expecting a baby!!

While on stage at a concert in Miami, Jen said "Marc and I are expecting." Marc then kissed the bump and added"I didn’t know she was going to talk".

Thank god, now we can all sleep at night!

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