Sweet Thorazine..... BAM!! BAM!!! BAM!!!

MOST AWESOME PERFORMANCE:



GLLADD__IIII__AAAAA__TTTT---OOOO----RRRRRRR!!!
We've been waiting all season for this!! It's (the real!) Paula bitch! Best American Idol fuck up since Brooke White last week!! Now of course everybody's wondering if the A) the judges' comments are scripted. B) the judges' comments are predetermined at rehearsals. C) Paula is just drunk/drugged . D) Paula is psychic. E) Paula is psychotic.

Whatever it is, it was the best part of an otherwise pretty boring episode. I can't stop watching the clip. Every time I pick something new up, it's like the Matrix movies. Like check out Kendra from the Girls Next Door sitting behind Paula, she's dumb as rocks but even she turns to the person next to her to give a "the hell?" Then there's Ryan, nearly getting whiplash as he whips his head to stage right (probably to poor Debbie, who's like "not my fault bitch! I gave her her pills.") At that moment, you can hear people laughing too. It almost sounds like a laugh track. Then David Cook laughing adorably (sorry, I can't shake this thing.) And then Ryan laughing nervously. Awesome, awesome, awesome!

Sadly, the rest of Neil Diamond week was pretty uneventful and due to each contestant doing two songs, was sped up to Kristy Lee Cook "8 Days a Week" warpspeed. They didn't even have time to change in between performances.

BROOKE BRINGS BACK THE WOOOO! (CALL RIC FLAIR!):

Her second performance was actually one of her best of the season but this one was more fun because it was a total "fuck it!" performance. This is the fun end of her craziness!

ALL I REALLY NEED IS COOK:

Wait, I just realized David's left-handed, why didn't I notice that before? It was either because I'm always staring deeply into his eyes, hypnotized, or because I'm fixated on his hair. Which, now that I bring it up, I'm getting a little nervous about because it kind of looks like it's on it's way back to pre-makeover --can somebody please stop this from happening?? No really, it's very important to our relationship. Stylist? Debbie? Ryan? It better be all did right tonight, or I'll go all Mr. Archuleta on your asses kay? Other than that, he looked pretty hot tonight, loved that jacket. Oh, I also realized his and his brother's initials together are AC/DC -that's pretty cool. Now, that would be a good theme night, not this Neil Diamond crap.

Oh, right, the songs. I didn't know either song he had but I liked this performance best of the two. Bet the studio version is awesome.

THE FIRST SONG (AKA THE ONE THAT PAULA LIKED BETTER) :


Personally, I liked his third song the best. But this one was cool. The song fit him, since he actually does look like he is always wearing the same pair of jeans.


SO BAD! SO BAD! SO BAD!


Ugh, first the Red Sox made me hate this song, then I found out it was about a pre-pubescent Caroline Kennedy and that creeped me out, now this. I would take a guess that this version of the song is on loop in the waiting room right before you are checked in to HELLLLLL!!! (like that room in Beetlejuice)

Of course Randy loved it.


GOING HOME:


Poor Syesha, every week she tries so hard, like the younger sibling of a golden child yearning to receive the tiniest bit of acknowledgement from her parents. And every week, no matter how awesome she does, she is denied. So the next week she tries harder and goes for bigger tricks but is denied again, and so on and so on. Sadly, she's about to run out of time before she has a chance to incorporate magic illusions, a chorus line, dancing poodles, and legally change her name to David. Hey, does Archie have siblings? Maybe she can hang out with them and they can all drink together after she's eliminated tonight.

No more hot tranny?

Rebecca Romijn has told NY Post that her Ugly Betty character Alexis Meade, is being demoted to a recurring role.

"They made a tremendous amount of changes, especially with the writing staff [during the writer's strike] And while I know I'll be coming back next season, with all the changes, I'm not sure they can take care of my character they way they have been. So I'll be leaving, back in a recurring capacity, but time for me to leave and find something else."

New writers? Alexis leaving? Way to fuck up a good show! Why don't you just have Walter come back, Marc go straight, hook up Daniel and Betty, kill off Justin, pull a Chrissy Seaver on Bradford's sperm baby that Christina's carrying and have the kid age ten years in two episodes, and have Amanda get amnesia and think she's a nun. Actually the Amanda thing would be pretty funny.

Eh, with this news and with last week's episode, I'm getting nervous. I'm hearing the music: DA-DUM, DA-DUM, DA-DUM. No Fonzie, get off those waterskis!

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She loves the 80's

I suddenly have the urge to watch Beat Street while eating mashed potatoes and biscuits!

Good boy!

Ashton Kutcher recently revealed that he enjoys urinating outside his house every morning with his dogs.

"I pee outside, outside my house, in my yard. I usually start off my day by taking my dogs out. While they go, I go. That's probably my least appealing habit. I just feel like I'm connecting with nature, I bond and feel like caveman. Man, tents, cave, pee, bush."

Demi is said to be very proud that Ashton finally stopped peeing on the sofa.

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You can't have your skank and eat it too Miley

The Miley Cyrus machine is in turbo backpeddle mode regarding the above photo taken for the upcoming Vanity Fair issue.

Miley has issued an apology to her fans not only for Vanity Fair pic, but also for those other photos that surfaced recently.

Miley said to PEOPLE:

"My goal in my music and my acting is always to make people happy. For Vanity Fair, I was so honored and thrilled to work with Annie [Leibovitz]. I took part in a photo shoot that was supposed to be 'artistic' and now, seeing the photographs and reading the story, I feel so embarrassed.

The pictures of me on the Internet were silly, inappropriate shots. I appreciate all the support of my fans, and hope they understand that along the way I am going to make mistakes and I am not perfect. I never intended for any of this to happen and I am truly sorry if I have disappointed anyone. Most of all, I have let myself down. I will learn from my mistakes and trust my support team. My family and my faith will guide me through my life's journey."

The Disney Channel also released a statement blaming Vanity Fair for "manipulating" Miley, because neither she, nor both her parents (who were on the set for the shoot), had any idea that photos of a naked 15-year old wrapped in a sheet with smeared lipstick would look so inappropriate. Gosh!

The statement reads: "Unfortunately, as the article suggests, a situation was created to deliberately manipulate a 15-year-old in order to sell magazines."

Vanity Fair has not yet released a comment.

Not gonna say I told you so again but......... I told you so!

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Just another day in the life of a legend

A man is claiming that Amy Winehouse assaulted him early Wednesday morning and British police are investigating.

"Police are investigating an alleged assault on Chalk Farm Road at approximately 3:20 am on April 23," says a Metropolitan Police spokesman. "A 38-year-old man [contacted] Kentish Town police station and alleged a 24-year-old woman had assaulted him. No arrests have been made as yet but inquiries continue."

The man claims the Amy headbutted him when he tried to hail her a taxi outside a London club. The nerve of that guy!! He totally had it coming!

But this wasn't the first guy Amy beat up that night. According to the Sun , earlier that evening, a 27 year old man named Mustapha el Mournmi (say that 3 times fast) wouldn't get out of her way at a pool table so Amy did the only logical thing. She gave the jerk a bruised eye and a swollen lip. Mustapha told the Sun: “I feel so angry. She smashed my face hard. I could not hit back — she’s a woman.”

After that Amy went home, then back out to another bar at 2am where an onlooker said, “She was off her face, throwing drinks around and turning over tables." The source added the Amy was yelling "I am a legend, get these people out. I want to take drugs!”

Then the legend reportedly made out with some mystery guy and then left at 2.45am. That when that son of a bitch tried to hail the cab.

If that wasn't enough, then a lamppost started shit with her and she kicked it's ass too:

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Connor who?

"Are they taking the picture?"

Nicole Kidman's rep told Usmagazine that despite her expressionless face, she is "really excited" for 13-year old adopted son Connor who is set to make his movie debut playing a young Will Smith in the upcoming drama called Seven Pounds. This was after they showed Nicole a photo of Connor and reminded her that he is her son.

Nicole added, "maybe one day my real baby will be in a movie too!"

(I kid, but you believed it for a second, didn't you?)

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Thanks to Britney, crazy is in!

In a shocking twist on American Idol last night, Carly and Syesha (told ya!) were in the bottom 2, despite giving two of the best performances Tuesday night. CrazyBrooke and Spazzboy Castro were SAFE!!!! WTF??

In the end, Carly was sent home to the delight of the camera director, who is relieved he no longer has to figure out ways to make her tattoo-faced husband as least noticeable as possible. Good luck Carly, you grew on me at the end. What's funny is that more people know who she is now than when she had a 2 million dollar record deal!

Carly's elimination wasn't the only injustice last night. This week's Ford "music video" was to "Tainted Love" and Danny Noriega was nowhere to be found in it! And neither was that guy from A-ha!! They were fortunate enough to get Dee Snider though.

Don't Cry For Me Archuleta

MOST AWESOME PERFORMANCE:


Syesha was incredible last night! A show-stopping performance and the show had just started! Phenomenal! Sensational! Stupendous! Simon even got a woody!

How much you wanna bet she'll be eliminated tonight? I don't want her to, it just seems that's the way it goes on this show. (Crossing my fingers DialIdol is right and she's in the clear)

OTHER MOST AWESOME PERFORMANCE:


Geez, one makeover and some really great performances and now everyone wants to jump this guy, even David Guest-I mean Andrew Lloyd Webber, who tells poor David to sing to him while pretending he's beautiful jailbait. David's all "Who the hell do I look like, R. Kelly?" Then suddenly R. Kelly emerges from a closet somewhere and is all "What's that supposed to mean boy....boy..boy.. you're hot David! I ain't gay, but I want you. We can keep it on the downlow, nobody has to know." And then I'm like "GET IN LINE EVERYONE!"

But the line really goes to the casting call for Rock of Love 3 and David and I run off together and he sings this song to me and I'm like "Damn David, I knew you were good, but I didn't know you could pull this shit off, you are even more awesome than I thought!! I hope people finally stop comparing you to that douche Daughtry now." Then we passionately make out. Reprise. And scene. (Curtain)

Intermission.
"Hey Constantine, I'll take a pack of Goobers and a vodka and orange Fanta. Thanks and keep the change."


MOST AWESOMELY BAD PERFORMANCE:


That's not fair actually, because the first 1:44 of this clip (before he actually starts singing) is the most awesome part of the night. Yeah, that Jason's pretty special. I love the way Andrew Lloyd Webber refers to him, you really would think he's talking about a kid that rides the short bus.

Of course the best part is when Jason Vinny Barbarino's "I dinnit know a cat was singin' it." when referring to his selection "Memory." FROM CATS!!

Can we replace Seacrest as the host with this guy?

ANOTHER REALLY GOOD PERFORMANCE FROM CARLY:


YAY!


ANOTHER BORING PERFORMANCE FROM DAVID ARCHULETA (but douchebag Randy loves it):


BOO!

Oh Dear.....

Where...

I’m sorry

Where do we go from here?
This isn't where we intended to be
We had it all, remember “Let it Be?”
I think it was the “Woo!”

Confidence… disappears
Can't anyone see that I'm breaking down live?
Still I’m accused of being contrived
What do I have to do?

Deep in my purse I'm concealing
Two very live hand grenades
I’LL BLOW THIS BITCH UP TO THE CEILING!
Nevermind, it’s okay

You must love me (or else)

Britney and K-Fed sittin in a tree.....

Star is reporting that Britney and K-Fed shared a kiss on April 8th when Kevin was at Britney's to pick up the kids.

And insider revealed, "They were discussing the boys and how they're doing when she suddenly got in close and kissed Kevin. She did it because she felt so close to him at that moment."

On Kevin's reaction, the insider said, "He loved the kiss, of course." The source said Kevin then said to Britney, "Should we be doing this in front of the boys?" Britney's reponse, "We're their parents, so why not?"

Don't get too excited, Kevin could have just been drinking a Frappuccino and had a little on his lips.

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Told ya it was only a matter of time

More photos of the skank trying to get out of Miley have surfaced recently!

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Umaga for President!

That's all I have to say about WWE's Hillary vs. Obama wrestling match last night. Thank you Umaga! Bill was awesome though: "I did not have illegal contact with that candidate." I will also say that it's cool they got Will Smith to play Obama-his Rock impersonation wasn't bad.

In something I thought we'd never see though, the real Hillary, Obama, and John McCain actually did appear on Raw last night to read awkward wrestling cliche-riddled campaign speeches in an effort to pick up some votes. This is a strange, strange time. Remember when Bill Clinton was the only candidate to appear on MTV? Now it's normal to hit American Idol, SNL, and the WWE on the campaign trail.

Next week, be sure to watch Flavor of Love to see the Presidential candidates compete for your vote. "Just like Pumkin, I'll spit in the face of terrorists."

Rock of Fake

The Rock of Love reunion airs this Sunday on VH1, but just in case anyone was wondering if Bret and Hombre are still (or were ever) together, it's pretty safe to assume from her latest MySpace post that they aren't. She's even denying that she slept with him at all:

Hey guys! Well, I was so fearful of the finale and how it was all going to be edited. While I watched the finale, I relived all of those emotions I experienced in Cancun. I cried, I got mad and I cried again....especially at the end. I actually thought VH1 edited the show beautifully. They edited it pretty much exactly how it went down, specifically regarding the dialogue between Daisy and I. So, what you saw was what really happened.

Here's a question I get a lot: "Did you sleep with Bret?" Well, listen, sometimes you gotta make things look more intimate. When the cameras were gone, I'm not gonna lie, I totally made out with him. I mean, can you blame a girl?? We had fun! But, we also talked a lot and he told me these hilarious stories...Bret is just too dang funny. We spent quality time together which when all the cameras are gone....is just nice. Did I spend the night? No. I wanted him to be rested for his date the next day and I actually thought I was going to see him again before elimination, so I left. If you watch the footage, take a look at my hair & makeup when we're saying goodbye. It's just a little 2 perfect for a night of hot, passionate sex. Wish I could give you more seedy details....but that was it.

Another question I get a lot: "Are you mad at Daisy?" ok at the time I was very hurt but so was she. We were in a very intense situation and we handled the stress in different ways. We talked after the reunion show and hopefully we can move on....I'm def willing to.

"How did I feel when he asked me to be his Rock of Love?" elated, relieved, happy, tearful, faint....haha. You name it and I felt it. I was so happy I just can't articulate exactly how I felt. I think you can see in the footage that I was overwhelmed with emotion and truly happy. I will always cherish that moment. OH! Something that you guys didn't see. At the end, he gave me a present. It's a necklace with a beautiful dark silver cross pendant with black and white diamonds....gorgeous!

Well, I think that's it. Stay tuned for another blog after the reunion show airs....I'll talk more about things that happened as well as Bret and I.

Luv ya guys!

xoxo

Ambre

Other things I learned from Ambre's Myspace : Ambre has a straight-to-DVD horror movie coming out soon where you can choose whether or not she gets killed and she lists her age as 99 years old. Way to finally be honest Ambre! Now just freaking spell your name right!

Cruz Beckham Status:

Still pissed off. Stay out of his way muthafucka.

Another Dancing With the Stars hookup?

First Karina and Mario, then Sabrina and Mark, then Cheryl and Drew, then Karina and another Mario, now Shannon and Derek.

Is there Spanish Fly in the spray tanner?

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Wow, everybody's bird crazy lately

Flippin' bird crazy that is!

Those two just need to fuck and get it over with.

I believe the children are the future.....

Future best couple EVER!: Cruz Beckham and Zahara Jolie-Pitt!

Well of course this was coming

The NY Post reports that America's favorite couple are pitching a reality show to MTV!! The show will revolve around Heidi and Spencer planning the wedding of the century-THEIRS!! Bor-ing. Wedding reality shows are so overdone. Now a Heidi and Spencer Variety Hour, I'm totally down for that. They could be just like Sonny and Cher! Nick and Jessica tried it and failed, but I think Heidi and Spencer can pull it off.

Oh well, here's some inspiration for their first dance:




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"Only time will tell..."

We don't need any time to tell us that Ashlee Simpson is milking this stupid "is she or isn't she pregnant" thing for all it's worth. She was on the Today Show this morning to promote her new album...oooohhhh, now I understand...

When asked if she was pregnant Ashlee responded, "That's been going around for a year now," she replied. "Only time will tell with that. I am giving birth to my new record."

The album is out next Tuesday, hopefully we'll stop freaking hearing about it then.

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Hey Madge, you missed a spot!

First Miley and Mandy remade (with choreography and a crew and everything)Madonna and Timberfuck's 4 Minutes video.

Now Madonna, who's apparently really bored, has posted a response telling everyone who is making YouTubes to her song, to "FUCK OFF!" Ok, she actually says "keep up the good work, but clean up afterwards", but Fuck Off would have been so much better. It's actually pretty funny to see her vacuuming in a designer gown and bling:



Yay, she's half-British again!!!


Madonna also has a message for Perez Hilton where she asks him to make a decision between her and "Teddy" who is either a dog or some gay guy with a back problem. Either way, I'd probably chose Teddy.:

Martha Stewart is one creepyass bitch

As you may have heard, Martha Stewart's beloved dog Paw Paw took his walk over the Rainbow Bridge recently. To mourn him, Martha posted photos of his last day on her blog, complete with descriptions of the pachysandra, crocus, and greening grass, because you know, it's Martha.

Martha also creepily accompanies each photo of Paw Paw getting closer and closer to death with her own narrative--by Paw Paw. "Paw Paw" tells us how tired he is getting, how he doesn't want to eat anymore, and how much he'll miss Martha's hugs and kisses. He even tells us all about his last pee. I'm not shitting you and it's even creepier with the pictures. See for yourself!

Speaking of pictures, in case you're wondering what's in that beautifully wrapped package in Martha Stewart Living (well not in this case) linens above, it's Paw Paw right before his burial. Bitch couldn't spring for a doggie coffin? Martha also updated the site with a photo of Paw Paw's grave with the promise that she will make it more beautiful in the coming days. Well of course she will!

So not to leave you with that fucking morbid image of a giftwrapped dead dog, Asshat Hollywood has obtained the following photo of where Paw Paw is now, complete with a message from Paw Paw himself:


I am finally free!! This heaven place is great! Hey Jesus, don't let that bitch in here!

Latest YouTube Sensation!

In case you haven't heard of Tricia Walsh Smith yet, you will. She's the crazy bitch who made a YouTube video after her bad, mean, husband filed for divorce and evicted her from their London flat. And she rules. She kind of resembles Pamela Anderson but with an English accent, smaller boobs, and CRAZY EYES!! Check it out, but grab a bottle of booze first and take a drink everytime she says "Con---DOM."

Bye Bye Kristy

Last night on American Idol, Kristy Lee Cook was voted off. A lot of people are really happy about this (not Vote For the Worst though), but I was hoping it would be Brooke "Closer to psycho every week!" White so we'd get to see Kristy attempt an Andrew Lloyd Webber song next week (Now we'll never hear the hoe-down rendition of "Don't Cry For Me Y'all Argentina"). I'd be lying if I said she didn't grow on me though. She's been a pretty good sport and her singout last night kicked ass.

That guy still won't give her back her horse though. When reached for comment the horse said, "Thanks a lot bitch, thanks to you, I'm off to the glue factory!"

Poor Kristy.

MARIAH CAREY WEEK ACTUALLY DIDN"T SUCK THAT MUCH!

MOST AWESOME PERFORMANCE:



This one's a three-way tie between celebrity mentor Mariah Carey, American Idol, and my boy David Cook.

Mariah because she actually did a really good job mentoring, which shocked me just like J-Lo did last year. She's also awesome because she manages to hold that pose throughout every contestant session and interview. I think it's because her ensemble's a couple sizes too small and she is afraid it's going to rip if she moves.

American Idol because they didn't exploit the hell out of David Cook's cancer-stricken brother being in the audience (I was waiting for the words "David's Brother (who has BRAIN CANCER!!) and Sister-in-Law") to appear at the bottom of the screen. But then again, there's always tonight's results show to milk that shit.

And finally, David himself who more than totally redeemed himself from last week's hand-writing monstrosity with this freakin' cool-ass (and ORIGINAL- take that!) cover of "Always Be My Baby". God I want this dude! Oh and then the crying.....Listen up Lacey, if you break his heart, I'll rip out your smelly extensions one by one! Just remember that!


NOW THAT EVERYONE'S CRYING:

Here's Jason singing "I Don't Want to Cry." They so did that on purpose! This was actually my second favorite of the night. Very cool arrangement. Good job Spazzy Stonerboy! And we also learned they don't have luats in England.


I COULDN'T GET PAST THE LEATHER PANTS:

Archie in leather pants is almost as creepy as the dancing 8 eight year olds on Dancing With the Stars.

Speaking of kids, to moms everywhere that would like a solution to their babies crying, check this out!


GOING HOME:

Performing next at the 8th Grade Talent show--little Brooke White!! God, this performance would make coffee nervous. It's time Brooke.


POSSIBLY GOING HOME:

Carly actually looked great and I thought she did a nice job but she didn't get the praise from the judges. Well, she had a lot to live up to with that song. First this, then this, then this.


WON'T GO HOME YET:

Not horrible, she fit it to suit her, but it made me think of that dumb bitch on The Bachelor.


THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO:

Sorry Syesha, you aren't one of the chosen ones. It doesn't matter how many glory notes you hit or how well you sing songs about boning other women's men, you won't get better than "that was very good."

It's always the nanny

In case you haven't heard, Rob Lowe's got some nanny trouble.

It all started last week when Rob wrote on the Huffington Post that: "a former employee is demanding my wife, Sheryl, and I pay her 1.5 million dollars by the end of the week or she will accuse us both of a vicious laundry list of false terribles." He then preemptively filed a lawsuit against his nanny, 24 year old Jessica Gibson, along with two other former employees, for breach of confidentiality agreements and for spreading lies about the couple.

Now Jessica has pulled out the big guns (not Rob's-he did that himself. allegedly), hiring Gloria Allred and filing her own lawsuit against Rob and his wife Sheryl, accusing them of sexual harassment. She claims in the suit, that there were several instances from September 2005 through January 2008 (she worked for the couple for seven years)in which Rob exposed himself and inappropriately touched her, placing his hands inside her pants. You can read the court docs HERE.

Um, maybe it's just me, but if I was being sexually harassed by my rich celebrity (with a history of sex addiction!) employer, I sure as hell wouldn't wait over two years to sue his ass! Why all this time Jessica?

Let's find out from Jessica herself:



"Ummmmmm." Wow, thanks for clearing up that this is actually a case of a threesome gone bad!


THIS JUST IN: Jessica Gibson has filed a lawsuit against Gloria Allred claiming Gloria inappropriately touched her on April 15th during her Today Show appearance.

AND IN RELATED ROB LOWE NEWS: Rob has preemptively filed a lawsuit against Snow White, claiming that she is also set to accuse him of a vicious laundry list of false terribles, mainly this.

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Just what we need! Another Hollywood spoiled brat!

A source has confirmed to Usmagazine.com that Ashlee Simpson is pregnant. No comment from Ashlee or Pete Wentz, but it could be true seeing how they announced their engagement last week.

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UPDATE - Pete and Ashlee have both denied the baby rumor. Expect to see a bump in a month or so.

AMBRET!

So Bret chose age over beauty last night on the finale of Rock of Love 2 when he made Amber---I mean Ambre, his tv girlfriend and sent Daisy flying home from Mexico. (She actually flew herself by flapping her arms up and down--pretty impressive!)

Speaking of the lovely and eloquent Daisy, Metal Sludge has put up part two of their interview with her and it's even better than part one! She gets in some good digs at Bret, but she's very classy and always knows when to hold back (especially when talking about her beautiful lips).

Metal Sludge: What was the grossest thing that any of the other girls did during filming that we didn’t get to see?
Daisy: Ok seriously I shared a room with Destiny, Jessica, and Meghan. And Destiny liked to go to the bathroom in front of everyone in our room.

MS: Which number?
D: All!

MS: All? (laughing)
D: All of the above and that to me was (pause) that was really disgusting to me. Because I like my privacy and she was definitely very (pause) the exhibitionist.

MS: So that was the grossest thing, her shitting in front of people.
D: Yeah.

MS: What was the grossest thing Bret did?
D: (laughing) Took his bandanna off.

MS: So what do you have to say about people saying you sound like you have a dick in your mouth, or that Bret should pick Big John cause you’re all nuts?
D: That’s why I got my lips done, because I wanted dicks in my mouth.

MS: (laughter erupts)

D: I have nice DSL’s (dick sucking lips), dick pillows, whatever. And I guess I was just practicing then, if that’s what it sounds like. I guess I’m always practicing, always trying to better my dick sucking skills.

As far as Bret picking Big John over (pause) you know I am crazy. I’m not gonna lie you know I’m definitely (pause) crazy but that’s okay.

I think he could’ve already picked Big John many times. It’s not fair because Big John is always there, so he should give somebody else a chance.

MS: Have you ever been with Bret in a hot tub or shower, and if his hair gets wet does it smell like a horse hair blanket?
D: Yes. (laughter)

For the entire interview (more on poop, plus drugs and dildos) click HERE!

Can't wait until the reunion!! Here's a clip of the Heather/Daisy smackdown!:

Vanilla Ice Is a Wife-beater....Allegedly

All right stop! Collaborate and listen
Ice is back, I've been taken to prison
Last night, I grabbed my wife tightly
Cause she bitched like spazz and pissed me off slightly

Would she ever stop? I didn't know
So I turned off the lights and I beat that ho

Cops came to the scene and took me in like a vandal
I was under pressure, but that's a whole other scandal

DING DING DING
DING DING DING DING

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Expect a divorce soon

Gwyneth Paltrow's mother, Blythe Danner, is speaking out on rumors that there is trouble in her daughter's marriage to Chris Martin.

She told PEOPLE, "Oh no! They are really happily married. They are together all time. The public just does not see them together. They couldn't have a better marriage."

She says the reason we never see Gwyneth and Chris out together in public is because "They get so inundated and it's gotten so awful now that they can't go out and enjoy themselves. If they were both out together they would just get so overwhelmed and not enjoy themselves. So they do it for that reason."

Huh?? If they go out together they will be overwhelmed and not enjoy themselves? Yeah, they are SOOO in love!! Thanks for clearing that up Blythe!

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America sucks, Seacrest sucks more

Last night on American Idol Ryan Seacrest decided to try his best to undo all the good that was accomplished with "Idol Gives Back" by ending the week of charity on a really, really, really mean note. It was shocking enough that Michael Johns was eliminated (yup, Kristy's still there.) but did we really need a long, drawn out, "maybe you'll get a stay of execution since we didn't eliminate anyone last year........maybe.......NAH!!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!" Seacrest, you are indeed a douchebag.

I'm gonna miss Michael, I'm gonna even miss his ascots. It wasn't his time to go.

Jennifer Love Hewitt Sexy Wallpapers

Jennifer Love Hewitt Sexy Face Wallpapers
Jennifer Love Hewitt Very Sexy Wallpaper
Jennifer Love Hewitt Hot Black Wallpapers

They are registered at Hot Topic

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are engaged! Do we care?!!!

They released the following statement on FriendsorEnemies.com:

"We know there has been a lot of speculation recently about Pete and I and we wanted our fans to be the first to know, because you guys are the best. Yes, we are thrilled to share that we are happily engaged. Thank you for all of your support and well wishes - it means the world to us. We consider this to be a very private matter, but we wanted you to hear it straight from us.- Ashlee and Pete "

No word whether or not Ashlee plans to lipsync her vows.

GIVE ME BACK MY TIME IDOL!!

Is it over yet? I think it still may be on.

Here we go, I'm gonna try, that's all I'm gonna say.

So, Idol Gives Back, started promisingly enough with the dancers from So You Think You Can Dance dancing to 'Please Don't Stop the Music' performed by the AI contestants. No, really.

Hi Travis!!! Hi Benji!!! Hi... Donyelle?? Wow.

Then some sick people in Africa, then some Katrina victims.

Then some celebrities asking us to donate and I'm sitting there thinking "Ok, how much did you donate?" Oh shit, there's Triple H!! AI and WWE - That's like a television paradox for me!

Then Ryan's got the top 12 (Hi Amanda!! Hi Chikezie!) answering phones and taking pledges and Syesha's holding up signs that say "Call Me" and mugging - I'm guessing she's auditioning for her next job in late-night "conversation" line commercials after she's voted off tonight. And...there are people in the audience watching!?? Yes, they are watching the American Idol contestants on a stage answering phones. For three hours. Even I couldn't bring myself to do that. So then Ryan pretends to talk to the people on the other end of the phone, blah, blah, blah, fluff , fluff, more fluff...

Then, I thought the station got switched to a porno, with the ol' plumber "you're pipes need cleaning" bit but it was a just lame skit leading up to Terri Hatcher performing "Before He Cheats." No really.

I kept waiting for Carrie to come out and finish the song, but that didn't happen because this performance was a caveat of the agreement Terri reached with Ryan when they ended their fake relationship. To make it even weirder, there's a band with a bunch of TV stars that are backing her up.

Ok, I'm already getting bored.

More sad stories of people....More celebrities.

Then Fergie performed with Heart. No really.

She pulled off the singing part but I don't know if the one-handed cartwheels were necessary. It was kind of like she was taunting Ann or something. "Ok, you sing better, but betcha can't do this!" Then she tried to take out both of the Wilson sisters, at least it looks that way.

More orphans and sadness. More solemn celebrities.

Ok, at this point, watching began to seem like a chore and I don't remember what order stuff came in so the rest is random thoughts. (See, I only said I'd try.)

Bily Crystal should have slapped her in the face when he had the chance.

Annie Lennox is divine.

Brad Pitt is so losing his hair (and Debbie the stage manager adlibs the only actual funny joke of the night).

Jimmy Kimmel owned Simon.

Robin Williams attempted to singlehandedly revive the Cold War:



Hysterical!! For 1984!! I will give Robin props for the Simon ass-grab though.


Speaking of ass-grabs, here's my personal highlight of the show. We all knew this was coming:


Not only ass grabbing, there was also boobstroking and floor humping!! Aww, Miley, I knew you had it in you! It's like Britney stripping at the VMA's all over again. I bet she feels so relieved now. Because skank is like farts, it's better to just let it out rather than try to hold it in.


Hey, need more cameltoe? Idol will give you back some more:



Here's Mariah and her happy hands with Randy Jackson on the longest bass I've ever seen in my life. It looks like he's got one of those big inflatable guitars the DJ gives out to drunk people at 80's party night.

Can I stop now? I'm fried.

Oh wait! We almost forgot the confetti. Everyone knows you can't end a ten hour long telethon without confetti! What else? Oooh, a Jesus song! Yeah!! With everyone dressed in white!!! And a choir!! ROLL IT!


Ok Cook, you got my love back with that one.


Seacrest Out!

P.S. Is it wrong that after watching this show, that I'm desensitized to the poor and suffering?

This is gonna suck!

Remember when they did the Donald Trump vs. Rosie match? I'm guessing this is gonna be just as bad. Unless they got the writers from Celebrity Deathmatch.

Maybe Shelton Benjamin will play Obama and he'll finally win a match! And they're missing a huge opportunity if they don't get a Bill impersonator and bring out the Godfather and his ho-train!

I'm inspired to jump off a bridge

Sorry, but this week everybody just really pissed me off (they're all probably cranky and sleep deprived from IDOL GIVES BACK week. Charity is hard--unless of course you're Saint Angelina.) So this week, I'm just gonna explain why each one pissed me off.

MICHAEL JOHNS PISSED ME OFF BECAUSE:


Can you guess the first reason?? Perhaps Michael didn't get my memo last week to LOSE THE FUCKING ASCOT!!! It's like "fetch," you're not gonna make it happen. Only one person in the history of the world has been able to make the ascot happen- Freddie Jones from Scooby Doo, and you are no Freddie Jones, so cut the shit. And burn the rest of that stupid waiter outfit while you're at it. Yeah, just perform naked. That would work.

Anyway, he did ok, but the end where he tried to do the Steven Tyler screech wasn't so good. And sorry to be nitpicky, but he totally missed one of the "Dream On's". I mean even Ace Young got that part right and he even added a little King Diamond spin on it!

So then Randy totally snaps and out of nowhere gives Michael a hard time about his song choice because "American Idol is not about dreams coming true!" (?)

Next up, to sing a song about dreams coming true written specifically for American Idol Season 3 winner Fantasia was Syesha. And..

SYESHA PISSED ME OFF BECAUSE:


The judges criticized her for attempting Whitney last week. So what does she do? She attempts another singer--a former American Idol winner who the judges, especially Simon, LOVE (even with that Lifetime movie!)and top it off with a little Mariah dogwhistle impression. Dumb, dumb, dumb!! She'll be going home this week because of her stupid song choice.

Speaking of song choice:


KRISTY LEE COOK PISSED ME OFF BECAUSE:


She always picks the perfect songs (well after the '8 Days a Week' debacle, that is) and even though I want to hate her, I'm forced to respect her for her cunning. And she sang it very well. Good job! And Fuck you Kristy!!

DAVID ARCHULETTA PISSED ME OFF BECAUSE:


Well, when doesn't he? Although the fucking telethon vibe I get every week actually works well here since it's Inspirational Songs That David's Dad Likes week. Yawn, and I bet that piano ain't mic'd.

JASON CASTRO PISSED ME OFF BECAUSE:


I thought Tiny Tim came back to life, but it was just Jason. I actually liked it, so I'm pissed off about that too.

BROOKE WHITE PISSED ME OFF BECAUSE:


This song went on for 22 minutes! And it's uncomfortable to watch her because she looks like she's about to crack and go psycho any minute. Like in Carrie: Good, nice girl freaking loses it one day and kills everybody with telekinesis.

Oh shit! Carrie's last name was White too. Hey Brooke, start with David's dad!! Then Seacrest!


CARLY SMITHSON PISSED ME OFF BECAUSE:


She didn't listen to Simon about her clothes. Yeah, he said she looked better--but that doesn't mean she looked good. Is that a leotard under jeans? Song was ok, I guess. And it makes me think of Moulin Rouge which is always nice. But I'm still back to not caring.

And finally, and it hurts to have to do this but it pissed me off more than anything else...

DAVID COOK PISSED ME OFF BECAUSE:


The jacket. The weird low notes at the beginning. The pointy pose. The walking through the crowd. The singing to the judges. The fucking "GIVE BACK" on his hand (I think that was the worst part)!!!! Stop it! Stop it!! Stop it!!!

Shit Cook, you had me, why'd you have to go and do that?

GIVE BACK the David I love!


And speaking of giving back, can somebody please give Paula's boobies back the rest of the fabric on the top of her dress???

Isn't this kind of redundant?

DETAILS ON THE flowers at the JAY-Z- BEYONCE WEDDING!!!!!

Hey, wanna hear all about the flowers at Beyoncé and Jay-Z's wedding? Well Us Weekly's gonna tell you anyway!!

The mag scored an interview with Amy Vongpitaka, the owner of NYC's Amy's Orchids who said the couple ordered 75 boxes of white-and-cream-colored orchids. "It made the apartment like a heaven, like a palace." said Amy. " You walked in, and it was all flowers — everything white and creamy." She also said she only had one week's notice for the order of the 750 pounds of flowers.

I gotta sit down. Too much excitement!! Good thing they didn't get an interview with the caterer or I'd really lose my shit!

Us also has details about the actual wedding in their upcoming issue including Beyonce's two gowns, their first dance song, celebrity guests, and the 5'8" cake (oh please tell me, Beyonce did one of those horrible cakes model after herself!!)

SOURCE

Why does every pregnant woman feel she has to do this?

We get it Tori, you're pregnant. You think it's beautiful. You love the feeling of having a life growing inside you. Does that cover it?

SOURCE

SOURCE

Elegance!

I'm wigging out!! I can't understand why I can't find a damn screenshot of Bret without his bandanna from last night's Rock of Love episode!! The wig was gleaming! Fortunately, my searching wasn't for nothing because I stumbled on this awesome interview with the lovely and classy(and obvious winner--did you see when they showed the preview for next week? He was looking down when he said "you are my Rock of Love"--now granted, one of them could have been giving him a bj, but I'm thinking he wasn't talking to Ambre who is his height.) Daisy De La Hoya!

Here are some gems from the interview:

On her band: "If Madonna and Motley Crue had a baby, I guess it would be Daisy. "

On her ex(?) Charles: "When I met Charles he had suggested that I should do dancing. I think it was sorta something that I always thought was just gonna happen anyways. I don’t know (pause) sort of like pre-determined." What a guy!

On The Awesome Heather: "I think she’s the skankiest, crustiest, old hag stripper on the Planet. And I hate her. I literally hate her. All the other girls joking aside, you know whatever, but her, wait until you see the re-union show because (pause) I hate her. If we could tie Heather down, then I would definitely like to stab her in the eye with a stiletto. ....she’s like a big giant man. She’s a Bret Michaels wanna be. " But what do you really think?

On what other rock stars she'd like to sleep with: "The rock star who I’d really like to fuck his brains out would be Nikki Sixx. I don’t wanna make out with him. I don’t want any kissing involved. I just want to fuck him. No kissing, just fucking!" (Awww! Just like in Pretty Woman!!)

The whole interview's gold. Kudos to Metal Sludge for finally doing something interesting!


At first I was looking forward to the reunion mostly for Angelique, but it sounds like there's gonna be a Daisy/Heather smackdown and now I really can't wait!! Sorry Daisy, but I'm TEAM TATTERS all the way baby!

I bet it goes down like this: Bret chooses Daisy in the finale. On the reunion show, he confesses that during their separation after the show, he finally realized that Heather was his true Rock of Love. Daisy hyperventilates/grabs her boobs/cries/loses her fake eyelashes. Kristi Jo starts crying. Rodeo starts crying/laughing hysterically. Peyton jumps out and starts yelling "FACE TIME!!" Then Daisy yells, "Oh yeah? Well I DID fuck CC!!" Then Bret yells "Fine then. Take it CC!!" Then CC Deville comes out and plays a solo. Then Bret goes "No, take HER!" So then CC and Daisy go off together and live happily ever after--once Daisy's lease with Charles is up in 2012, that is. Then Ambre starts going on and on about how she has to lie about her age but her hip goes out right in the middle of her explanation. Then New York comes out just to remind everyone that she is still the HBIC and that she was the original VH1 star with artificial hair and you bitches better recognize! Then Bret compliments her on her weave and asks for pointers. She offers to take him to her salon. Bret then grabs the wig and throws it on the floor. The wig starts crying. Now it needs to find love. A VH1 producer gets an idea!

I mean, it's SOO obvious that's what happens!