For Fuck's Sake! WHYYYY?!

You kinda knew this was coming, didn't you?

Marie Osmond has designed a line of creepyass dolls inspired by her various dances on Dancing With the Stars which will be sold on QVC beginning tonight at 6PM Eastern. Now you can reenact the desperation at home!! The one above is, of course, her Samba/fainting routine. There will also be the Boogie Woogie doll, the Paso Doble doll, the Quickstep doll, and the season finale Freestyle doll (so a doll of a person pretending to be a doll). Sadly, there are no plans for a life-size Maksim blow-up doll.

What I want to know are WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE that buy this shit? Yes, I know they are the same people that voted for her but really, this madness has to stop. Won't somebody save us??

"BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL!!!!"

Hey everyone, it's my She-Ra doll from 1986! I thought you got tossed in the box of amputated Barbie parts. I'm so glad to see you!

"First of all, your bitch mother donated me to the church tag sale and I had to fight my way back to Etheria. Then I ran into my brother and had to coach him through some, um, life decisions he was struggling with."

I'm sorry to hear that. How is He-Man doing?

"Much better since he came to terms with his sexuality. He and Skeletor actually just purchased an adorable little condo in Eternia. I was just there for Thanksgiving."

That's fantastic!

"Um excuse me please, but this is about me. I just want to let people know that I am the perfect gift for the holidays and that every child and tragically pathetic middle-aged doll collector can own me, their very own MARIE OSMOND: DANCER EXTRAORDINAIRE DOLL!!"

"Oh, put a fucking lid on it toots! Nobody gives a shit."

"Actually they do, the first two dolls in my collection sold out in eight minutes on QVC! Marie is one of the world's top doll designers you know."

"Did I stutter or do I need to draw my sword and cut you?"

"Stop {huuuuuuuuhhhhh) please [huuuuuuhhhh] I'm feeling light-headed...."

THUD!!!!!!!!

Oh knock it off Marie, everyone knows you're faking.

"I've had just about enough."

"Take that you annoying creepy piece of Chinese plastic!"

"ALRIGHT!! MORE DRAMA!! DON'T FORGET EVERYONE, QVC TONIGHT AT 6! BUY ALL FOUR DOLLS!

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Set your clocks - Pam to retire in 2012

Pamela Anderson has said that she plans to retire from showbusiness in five years in order to devote all of her time to her family. Funny, I thought she had already retired! Seriously what has she done lately besides get married, divorced, and married again?

Oh that's right. How stupid of me!! She made that upcoming movie Blonde and Blonderer with Denise Richards! In that case it seems fitting that she'd retire after that. I mean, how do you top that one? Especially since she's sure to win an Oscar!

Anyway, Pam says ,"I get offers to do movies and TV all the time. I say no to everything. Drives my agent crazy. But I'm lazy. I don't want to work. I want to be with my kids. So I just fly in from Los Angeles, do a few days of shows and go back home."

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Can you guess who this is?

Looks like someone's been shopping in the "Not the best, but still a great buy!" bin at the plastic surgery store. Any guesses?

I'm sad to admit, that this is a recent picture of 80's Teen Queen, Debbie, excuse me, Deborah Gibson. Such a shame.

These aging pop stars, always searching for the Fountain of Electric Youth.

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Brit says there ain't no baby up in there

So like, Britney Spears, like, texted Ryan (Seacrest--duh!) on the way home from her awesome video shoot to tell him that she ain't pregnant.

Here's what Brit's text said:

"It's B.S, I don't know who made it up. J.R. doesn't even know what's up. It's fake, completely fake. (The) paparazzi are trying to kill us, otherwise I'd talk."

Then Ryan was like "OMG, LOL! R U OK?"

And Brit was like: " : ) So what's up?"

And Ryan was like: "IDK, NMH. Hey, did u watch DWTS last night?"

And Brit was like: "Yeah, Maks is so hot!"

And Ryan was like: "I wanna hit that shit so bad!"

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Jessica Simpson is sad

In the cover story of the latest issue of Us Magazine, a "friend" of Jessica Simpson says that Jess regrets divorcing Nick Lachey and spent October 26th, what would have been their fifth anniversary, somberly looking through old photo albums of herself and Nick when they were together.

The mystery friend said, "Jessica thought she would be with someone right by now."

Ok, so she's not missing Nick specifically, she just wants to be with someone? And she thought she'd leave Nick and get somebody better, but it didn't happen and now she's sad. And she thought she'd be a big movie star but that didn't happen either. Poor, poor Jessica!

Jess herself recently said when a guest on The View, "I want a man. Somebody who's a really great family guy...Gosh, just somebody who's strong enough to be my man." Isn't that a Sheryl Crow song?

Anyway, Jess, you don't need a strong man, just a deaf one! And when you find one, stay far, far away from your father!

More Scandal With the Stars

This season of Dancing With the Stars has had enough scandal to fill up a year of a soap opera! The were family deaths, (faked?) fainting spells, food poisoning, legit hook-ups, alleged hook-ups, and Wayne Newton's scary-ass face.

They couldn't even get through the finale without someone going to the emergency room!! Professional dancer Mark Ballas was taken by ambulance to the E/R just minutes after performing his cha-cha (or is it cha-cha-cha? Whatever.) with girlfriend (that's the legit hook-up above) Sabrina Bryan. Turns out he dislocated his shoulder Monday night during rehearsals.

Judge Bruno Tonioli told PEOPLE after the show that "he should not have been out there on the floor tonight, but he is so committed to this show and he is such a professional he said ‘I am going to dance.’ He came out her and gave it his all and now he’s made it worse. I am devastated. That boy is one of the best dancers we’ve ever had. He’s a star. I am so worried. I just pray to God he’s okay.”

Sabrina had to stay for the duration of the telecast and was not allowed to leave to be with Mark in the hospital. She said, “I’m dying right now.I know I had to be here, but I’m so worried about him. I’m so mad they wouldn’t let me leave. But I have so much thanks for this show so I guess I had to stay. The ambulance came and took him away in the middle of the show, and I just want to get to a phone and call him.”

How are they ever going to top this season? They're gonna have to put landmines under the dance floor and have Edyta wear even fewer scraps of clothing next time around.

Wow, watch out for that lightning!!

The anchorman rules!

Say it ain't so!!

Oops, she's pregnant again?

Britney has reportedly confessed on a private MySpace page that she is expecting her third child.

On the page, a photo of a sonogram dated November 14th, 2007 is accompanied by a message that reads, "Yes, I am pregnant and I am shocked, almost 4 weeks to be exact. I don't really know if I'm happy or sad. I am happy I guess. I saw the ultrasound and it was really kewl (sic)."

KEWL - oh god, it really is Britney! It must be true!!

There is also a reply allegedly from Brit's sis Jamie Lynn in which she says, "No, I didn't tell mom cuz I think it would be better if you did. I really hope it's a girl."

My old ass still can't figure out the whole MySpace thing (just like the whole texting thing these kids are doing nowadays--just freaking CALL the person!) so I don't know how to check out this page for myself, so if anyone can send me a link, I'll pay you in sexual favors. Thanks!

In addition, In Touch Weekly magazine also has photos of Britney revealing a baby bump (or beer gut) and is naming Brit's producer J.R. Rotem as the father.



She better make me godmother this time, I swear to god. Sit down Chris Crocker!

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Is she/ isn't she?

Sources have told New York Daily News that Lindsay Lohan has been "drinking a little bit" (By "little" they mean two, rather than three, bottles of Jager a day) over her Thanksgiving holiday week in New York with her mother.

But the "friends" insist that the booze is ok and that Lindsay's problem is drugs, not alcohol (because we all know alcohol isn't a real drug!! Duh, it's legal.) They say, "For Lindsay, her real problem was drugs, not alcohol. In the past, it wasn't the drinking that was the problem - it was the heavy drug use. The drug use was way more intense than her party drinking. As long as she isn't doing drugs, she's okay." Party on!

Lohan's spokeswoman has of course refuted these claims, saying "These so-called friends are making up things about her."

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An apple a day.....

A) Keeps the doctor away.

B) Is good for your remaining teeth.

C) Tastes good after a hit on the crack pipe.

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Anybody still there?

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. I don't know about you, but it's been hard to get back into the regular swing of things after a long holiday weekend filled with lots of food, booze, and sleep. It's kind of a funk you don't want to get out of. Now I understand how Britney feels!

But even Brit pulled herself out of the funk long enough to make a new video. That's right kids, I said Britney Spears has a new video y'all!!! Here's a picture of Britney on the set. She's the one in the middle by the way (I was able to tell because she's wiping the Cheeto grease off on her jacket).

The video is for a song called "Piece of Me" (no, it's not an Ashlee Simpson cover!) and the video is being directed by famed video director Wayne Isham. The concept? Britney and her backup dancers all dress alike to throw off the paparazzi. They escape into a club where dancing ensues (since they all look alike, we won't notice that the real Britney is no where in this dance sequence! You're a genius Wayne!). At the end of the video, it is revealed that Britney called the paparazzi herself. She then turns on her dancers and hits them with umbrellas. Ok, that last part's not true, but it would be awesome. Man, I really gotta lay off watching wrestling a little.

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Speaking of wrestling (see what I did there), by now I'm sure you've heard about Linda Hogan filing for divorce.


Apparently Hulk didn't know Linda had filed until he was told by a reporter. (Maybe he just didn't hear her. You know how he always puts his hand up to his ear?) Since the news was announced there have been various stories coming out about the split. Everything from Linda not wanting a divorce after all, to the whole divorce being a ruse to protect the couple's assets in a potential civil suit brought upon them by John Graziano, the victim in the street racing accident caused by their son Nick. Perhaps the saddest thing to come out of all of this is that their beautiful and talented daughter Brooke has put her singing career on hold. I know!! How can she deny us that angelic voice and timeless class?

Guess we'll just have to wait and see how this develops brother.

(I realize now that I've brought up wrestling I could comment on current storylines in the WWE, however I've blocked certain things out of my mind, so I'm gonna skip it if that's cool.)

Congrats to Helio and Julianne, this season's winners of Dancing With the Stars!! I wanted Mel and Maks personally but as long as it wasn't Marie "Vote for me, I'm 48 and I have drama!" Osmond, I'm happy. How much you wanna bet Donnie is on next season?

This makes Julianne a two-time champion!! Sadly however, this means that next season she'll be paired up (also referred to as "Burked") with some geriatric leadfoot so enjoy it now Julianne!!

In related news, Helio has split up with his fiancee leading to speculation that rumors of a relationship with partner Julianne may be true. SCANDAL!

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

That song's about who? (and what?)

We'll probably never find out who was so vain, but now the secret is out on the identity of Caroline from the Neil Diamond classic and Fenway favorite, "Sweet Caroline." (You just went "BAH! BAH BAH!" Don't lie.)

It's President John F. Kennedy's daughter, Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg!

On the reveal, Neil told the Associated Press, "I've never discussed it with anybody before – intentionally. I thought maybe I would tell it to Caroline when I met her someday."

Neil, who recently performed the song for Caroline via satellite at her 50th birthday party, said he was inspired to write the song when he saw an "innocent, wonderful" picture of Caroline in a magazine, and added "I'm happy to have gotten it off my chest and to have expressed it to Caroline. I thought she might be embarrassed, but she seemed to be struck by it and really, really happy."

Why would she be embarrassed? Was he beating it when he was looking at the picture?

Oh my god, wait a second. "Warm touchin' warm." "Reaching out." "Touchin' me." Touchin' me? That song's totally about masturbation!

So good indeed!


Wait, how old was she when he wrote the song? Um, yeah, I had no intention of going into kiddie porn land. Just clearing that up.

But it does sound like it's about masturbation.
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Holy shit!! Remember her?

Remember American Idol Season 4? Of course you do! That's when we were introduced to America's still-reigning country sweetheart, Carrie Underwood. Oh, and remember when Bo Bice did that awesome a cappella number on the finale and then nobody bought his albums? And of course, how can we forget the daterape eyefucks of the fabulously douchy Constantine?

But how about Jessica Sierra? You may not remember her as well as the others. She finished tenth that year and hasn't really done much since.

Unless you count getting arrested for battery (she threw a cocktail glass at a bar patron's head) and cocaine possession back in April, that is. Take a look at her mugshot! It looks like one of those websites where they show what meth does to a person over time. She's only 22!

After pleading no contest to the charges yesterday in court, Jessica received 12 months of probation. If she successfully completes her probation, the charge will be removed from her record. (Unfortunately the mug shot will not)

Poor Jessica. Where's a disgraced C-List drug addicted celebrity to go in this day and age?

VH1 of course!! Jessica is going to be one of the contestants on VH1's newest celebreality show set in rehab for "stars" with drug and alcohol problems!! Cool! It'll be like Intervention, but with people we actually semi-care about! May we be so lucky to have Danny Bonaduce on that crapfest too?

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Nicole's giving away her gifts to100 needy babymamas

Nicole Richie, who is due is January with Joel Madden's child, is going to give away all of the baby gifts that she received at her Wizard of Oz themed baby shower to the poor.

Nicole and Joel will donate the gifts to 100 needy families through their newly formed Richie Madden Foundation which runs through the Los Angeles Free Clinic.

Maybe I'm just in the spirit of the holidays, but I feel like I must applaud Nicole and Joel for this. It seems they both are really turning over a new with this whole baby thing!



Or maybe they just realized that witches, flying monkeys, and Munchkins (particularly the Lollipop Kids), are way too fucking scary for a baby!

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Deep Thoughts with Jude Law

On regretting cheating on Sienna with the nanny, Jude Law had this to say:

"There's no regret. You can't regret. I mean, I've felt regret but I've also refused to allow regret to sow a seed and live in me because I don't believe it.

You feel it, it's like guilt, it's like jealousy, it's like all those horrible things and... You've just got to snip them and get them out, because they're no good. Because if you regret, in a way, have you learnt and moved on?"

Wow, I bet whoever asked Jude this question regrets it.

Or maybe they feel the regret but are not allowing it to sow a seed in them. Or maybe they snipped it and got it out. Or quite possibly, they had the regret, but learnt and moved on. In a way.

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Asshat of the Week!

In this time of Thanksgiving and family, the douchiness of deadbeat dads seems to stand out even more. Eddie Murphy has reportedly flat-out REFUSED to meet his daughter with Melanie (Scary Spice) Brown, Angel Iris.

This is the daughter he denied was his child until Mel took him to court and his DNA results proved he was.

Mel and her lawyers have been attempting to work our visitation rights for Eddie in court but the case has been postponed for over three months because Eddie hasn't submitted an offer.

What a turd! First the whole "Booohoo, I didn't win an Oscar, I'm leaving!" spoiled brat drama, then the denial about the baby. He's on the Tom Cruise path to career suicide (without aliens). You suck Eddie!

And meanwhile Mel B.'s stock is soaring thanks to Dancing With the Stars. I love her so much, it almost makes up for being pounded through the skull with "Wannabe" ten years ago. Almost. Check out the awesome dance from last night's episode (yeah, I know. There is a clip of the Spice Girls, but the dance is worth it. And Maksim.) Speaking of, if Marie Osmond doesn't go home tonight I am going to personally blow up the Church of Latter Day Saints! Who said that?



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Law and Chaotic Order Chapter 532: Britney gets ADD

Britney Spears, come on down!! You just failed your court-appointed drug test!

Which means, it's time to play

Pick A Drug To Blame Your "False-Positive" On!



Britney: "Let's go with Provigil. I take it for my narcolepsy."

EEENNNTTTT!!!

Bob: "I'm sorry Britney, but that drug would not show up on a court-ordered drug test."

Britney: "Shit. Ok, how about Albuterol? I take that for my...um....my......."

Lawyer: "Asthma moron."

Britney: "Asthma moron."

Bob: "Are you calling me a moron young lady?"

Britney: "No Mr. Barker, my lawyer is."

Bob: "Can we just see the answer please?"

ENNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!

Bob: "I'm sorry but that is wrong also. Albuterol is not an amphetamine and your failllll---um, false positive was caused by an amphetamine. You have one more chance to choose your defense."

Britney: "OOHH Cheetos are up there, can I have those?"

Lawyer: "No! Adderall."

Britney: "I mean Adderall."

Bob: "Wait, so you have ADD now in addition to narcolepsy and asthma?"

Britney: "No silly, that's what my lawyer is saying to cover up the speed!"

Lawyer: "I quit."

Bob: "Let's see how you did Britney. Adderall is.............."

DING DING DING!!!

Bob: "CORRECT! Congratulations Britney, you have won the ADD medication defense to use in court tomorrow!"

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Jen's latest rumored boyfriend

If the latest reports are true, Jennifer Aniston is now dating Rosario Dawson's ex, Sex and the City star Jason Lewis.

The two were spotted having an "intimate date" in New York recently. Now keep in mind that "intimate date" could mean anything from "dinner with ten other people," to "shook hands at the bar" to, well "actual intimate date."

A source told Britain's Closer magazine, "They've met a few times. He thinks she's gorgeous and they just clicked. It's funny how much they have in common. Jen seems to really like Jason, but so far they've met up in secret as Jen hates the pressure her fame puts on all of her relationships."

Guess we'll have to wait and see. I hope it's true. Jen deserves it. And Jason looks a hell lot better than Brad these days. (hatemail in comments please)

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Breakup rumors best check themselves at the DMV

Sarah Michelle Gellar will now officially be known as Sarah Michelle Prinze.

For the couple's fifth wedding anniversary Sarah showed Freddie a copy of her updated driver's license with her new last name.

In case anybody's wondering, the traditional wedding gift for a five-year anniversary is wood. No word on whether Sarah also gave Freddie wood.

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Can we please get it right this time?

A Las Vegas judge decided yesterday that there is sufficient evidence for O.J. Simpson and five other men to go to trial on the sports memorabilia armed robbery/kidnapping charges following that hotel incident back on September 13th. O.J. will be tried on TWELVE counts including kidnapping and aggravated robbery and if found guilty, he may face life in prison.

The trial dates have not been set but it is expected to begin in the summer of 2008. You listenin' E?

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It's all about Britney

Duran Duran's video for their first single, "Falling Down" of their new album is gaining notoriety (see what I did there?) due to its lead character's resemblance to everybody's favorite trainwreck, Britney. In the video we see a young, rich, starlet get wasted, go to rehab where all the patients are beautiful models (Hey it didn't look like that on Intervention!) get out, and start all over again.

Drummer Roger Taylor said on the Britney comparison, "I suppose it's loosely based on her, but not [only] on one celebrity – just celebrity culture in general. A lot of [young celebrities] seem to disappear into rehab."

Yeah, ok Roger. Did we mention Justin Timberlake co-wrote the song?

Take a look for yourself and decide.

Unfortunately the SUV umbrella beatdown was edited out because umbrellas (ellas, ellas, ellas) are so last summer.

On Britney, Simon Le Bon said "I just wish she could accept help. It seems that all the people who care about her, she’s pushing away."

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Speaking of Britney, she ran over another person's foot.

And now for an important anti-drug message:

This has been an important anti-drug message.

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Owen Wilson escaping with model

Last week's rumors that Owen Wilson was dating Jessica Simpson appear to be just that. PEOPLE reports that Owen is dating a model named Le Call. Yeah, her name is Le Call, like Le Bag (I still see people with those!).

An insider revealed to PEOPLE "She is dating him." Wow, that sure is some juicy gossip! The two have been spotted together having dinner and at a yoga class.

But all the recent attention just may be scaring Le Call. Another source said, "Le Call is totally overwhelmed by all of this attention. She isn't used to it. So they will be leaving town tomorrow to escape – and traveling a great distance."

Good for them. What ever happened to Owen's privacy anyway? I guess he's all better now that he's dating a model. Run Le Call and Owen!! Run!!

Ninety-six asshats need a kick in the head

In an effort to show what a generous children-loving person she is, Britney Spears is auctioning off a (as in "ONE") signed copy of her latest CD, Blackout on eBay with 100% of the proceeds going to UNICEF. For some reason Britney has teamed up with photo agency X17 to run the auction. Oh yeah, because she's a moron and can't post an eBay auction by herself.

Brit said, via a press released issued by X17, "I think it's important to give back and with the release of Blackout, this seemed like the perfect opportunity to give the fans a chance to bid on something to help children everywhere."

How generous of her! I'm being serious. See normally, I'd say something like "this bitch makes $750,000 a month and the best she can do is sign ONE CD for charity?!" But we all know that Brit's been having to shell out lots of her cash to K-Fed for his lawyer fees and for taking care of those pesky children. She probably barely has enough left for Starbucks and Marlboros so give her a break and LEAVE HER ALONE! (oh that's all played out? Sorry.)

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE AUCTION

What I can't believe is that there are currently 96 bids and that bid amount is up to $7,200.00!!! The Fuck? That's a pre-owned car! Or a European vacation. Or 15157 Frappicuinos! Who are these people? Asshats, that's who. Hey, 96 morons, you want a Britney Spears autograph? HERE YOU GO! There's one for $7.95 and that's when she was hot.

And don't give me that whole "it's for charity" argument. Wanna donate to UNICEF? Do it here without the paparazzi middleman.

More Crazy Celebrity Divorce Hijincks

Former Baywatch babe Donna D'Errico collapsed in the restroom of a Los Angeles courtroom on Friday after complaining of breathing problems. This happened in the middle of court proceedings to determine how assets should be divided in her divorce from Nikki "I died" Sixx of Motley Crue.

Donna requested the hearing be delayed Thursday, the day before she collapsed, citing her health condition and also because she doesn't have a lawyer (HUH?! You crazy?). The judge denied the request and forced Donna to represent herself Thursday and Friday.

Sources say that her voice was so hoarse that she was barely audible in court.

Paramedics were called after Donna's collapse and she was able to walk out unassisted. Donna is going with the Marie Osmond explanation that her breathing issues were related to asthmatic bronchitis aggravated by recent wildfires near her home.

Meanwhile Nikki has had his friends spy on Donna and testify in court that they have seen her out and about at such places as a church, a restaurant, and a sporting goods store. They also spotted her walk up a long stairway at a beach. I guess this is because he thinks she's lying about being sick?? Church? THAT BITCH!

On the fainting incident Nikki said, "She fainted, so what? Did she overdose and die and come back? No? Well I did. So there."

Nikki is also considering writing a book and accompanying soundtrack about the divorce trial titled "The Gold-digging Bitch Diaries."

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Yikes!! Don't Mess With the Thetans!!

Controversial biographer Andrew Morton has been forced into hiding following alleged threats made on his life by the Church of $cientology over a revealing biography he has written about Tom Cruise.

The biography reportedly exposes all kinds of dirt on Tom's sexuality and all the kooky alien stuff. I'm sure the contracts with Nicole and Katie are in there too.

So basically, the biography contains a lot of stuff everybody already knows.

But we all know how Little Tommy gets his panties all bunched up when someone dares bring any of that stuff up. Morton claims he has been forced to "disappear" and sell his London home as a result of the threats made to him while attempting to research Tom's life for the book.

Morton told the British newspaper The Sunday Express, "I have received threats from the Scientologists and things have become pretty heavy - to the extent that it's almost more than my lawyers can handle. I've sold my flat and I'm not telling anyone where I'm moving to. I intend to disappear for a while."

Morton added that researching the Royal Family was "a walk in the park" compared to this latest project.

Sorry but it's over for you Andrew. You can't hide from the $cientologists. They've got laser beams and stuff like that. They're gonna find you and sue you and erase your brain and you'll be writing a romance novel about the great love of Tom and Katie in no time.


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Lindsay wants to be an adequete magnet

In bizarre celebrity news of the day, Lindsay Lohan is reportedly taking lessons to turn herself into a human magnet. She has hired a man from Romania named Aurel Raileanu to teach her how to lift metallic objects with her mind. This guy's no joke, he's listed in the Guinness Book of World Records as the most powerful human magnet after lifting a 50 pound television set.

Lindsay says of her new interest, "I've always been interested in off-the-wall abilities. And this is a really interesting phenomenon. I'd love to find out more about it and try and pinpoint what causes these supernatural abilities."

Plus, it comes in handy when you misplace your coke spoon!

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Paris is big in South Korea (in every possible sense of the word)

Paris Hilton made an appearance at a BMW car show in South Korea last weekend. Hundreds of (apparently tiny) adoring fans crammed into the popular Seoul nightclub, Circle, to catch a glimpse of the classy beauty.

The Sun quoted some of the fans: "We love Paris. She's so great!" and "She's very popular here in South Korea."

The brainwashed Koreans were treated to a performance when Paris sang stirring renditions of Like a Virgin by Madonna and Slave 4 U by her former BFF, Britney.

Paris then squashed the crowd with her gigantic freakish feet.