Somebody give this guy a tv show

Hey I'm sure it would be better than Caveman.

For those of you who are not baseball fans, allow me to introduce you to America's newest Sweetheart and the most awesome non-human celebrity since Victoria Beckham: Sammy Squirrel.

This little guy bravely climbed to the top of the screen attached to the right-field foul pole at Yankee Stadium during last night's game against their arch rival, the Boston Red Sox and stayed up there to watch the action while fans cheered and the commentators remarked. I think there was even a slow-motion replay.


We are thrilled to welcome Sammy Squirrel to Asshat Hollywood!

AH - "Thanks for joining us today Sammy!"

"S'up?"

AH - "So, tell us, where are you from and how did you get to Yankee Stadium yesterday?"

"Well, contrary to the rumors, I didn't come out of Manny Ramierez's hair. I'm a native New Yorker, born and raised in Queens, but now I live in the Bronx and chill at the Stadium. Mostly for the nuts."

AH - "Yeah, there's no shortage of peanuts at Yankee Stadium."

"I was actually talking about some of the people, but yeah, that too. It's good eatin'. Plenty of beer too."

AH- "Squirrel mania seems to be sweeping the nation, how does it feel to be a star?"

"I don't know if I can take the pressure. I already feel like I want to shave my tail and go to rehab."

AH- "Oh, don't say that, we need a positive role model for our youth! Speaking of, I must address another rumor. Is true that you are now dating Paris Hilton?"

"Please, I already have fleas and rabies, that's enough for me!"

AH - "Phew, that's a relief. Why do you think it is that one-fifth of Americans can't find the USA on a map?

"Because one fifth of Americans are morons. And I'd be willing to bet that a large percentage of them are Red Sox fans"

AH - "Easy there, we don't want to insult any readers, we don't have that many you know. So why'd you climb up there last night anyway?"

"I wanted to get a better look at the game. It's a little trick I learned from my cousin Jose. He used to sit on top of the flagpole and at every game, people would turn to him and ask him if he can see."

AH- "So why not sit on the flagpole?"

"Well, I was going to, but then I spotted this hotass chick and I wanted to get a look down her shirt, so I chose the foul pole instead. You know, kill two birds."

AH - "Good thinking. You're pretty smart considering the large number of squirrel fatalities due to them running into the road and when the car stops, instead of continuing on to cross the street, they turn back the other way and get hit."


"Cars stop? Hey lady, maybe where you're from but here in New Fucking York, they don't stop for pedestrians, let alone rodents, so you have to be quick and smart. The strong survive. I'm no spokesman for the dumbass hick-squirrels of the world"

AH - "Well thanks so much for speaking with us today and I hope you enjoy a long and fabulous career!"

Hey Sammy, watch out for that car!

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