What The Asshats Are Up To

"Thanks for the balloons, but I'm still not letting you in creepo."

"HEY, I'M FLYING Y'ALL!"

"Damn you smell good."

"What the hell are you looking at? You think Zahara's the only one that can stare you paparazzi fucks down?"

"Ok, who's the wise guy in wardrobe?"

"Oh, that's so sad about the troops in Iraq, good thing I'm showing my support with my really cute hat!"

"I like your video, it's not trashy like my ex-wife's."

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Somebody give this guy a tv show

Hey I'm sure it would be better than Caveman.

For those of you who are not baseball fans, allow me to introduce you to America's newest Sweetheart and the most awesome non-human celebrity since Victoria Beckham: Sammy Squirrel.

This little guy bravely climbed to the top of the screen attached to the right-field foul pole at Yankee Stadium during last night's game against their arch rival, the Boston Red Sox and stayed up there to watch the action while fans cheered and the commentators remarked. I think there was even a slow-motion replay.


We are thrilled to welcome Sammy Squirrel to Asshat Hollywood!

AH - "Thanks for joining us today Sammy!"

"S'up?"

AH - "So, tell us, where are you from and how did you get to Yankee Stadium yesterday?"

"Well, contrary to the rumors, I didn't come out of Manny Ramierez's hair. I'm a native New Yorker, born and raised in Queens, but now I live in the Bronx and chill at the Stadium. Mostly for the nuts."

AH - "Yeah, there's no shortage of peanuts at Yankee Stadium."

"I was actually talking about some of the people, but yeah, that too. It's good eatin'. Plenty of beer too."

AH- "Squirrel mania seems to be sweeping the nation, how does it feel to be a star?"

"I don't know if I can take the pressure. I already feel like I want to shave my tail and go to rehab."

AH- "Oh, don't say that, we need a positive role model for our youth! Speaking of, I must address another rumor. Is true that you are now dating Paris Hilton?"

"Please, I already have fleas and rabies, that's enough for me!"

AH - "Phew, that's a relief. Why do you think it is that one-fifth of Americans can't find the USA on a map?

"Because one fifth of Americans are morons. And I'd be willing to bet that a large percentage of them are Red Sox fans"

AH - "Easy there, we don't want to insult any readers, we don't have that many you know. So why'd you climb up there last night anyway?"

"I wanted to get a better look at the game. It's a little trick I learned from my cousin Jose. He used to sit on top of the flagpole and at every game, people would turn to him and ask him if he can see."

AH- "So why not sit on the flagpole?"

"Well, I was going to, but then I spotted this hotass chick and I wanted to get a look down her shirt, so I chose the foul pole instead. You know, kill two birds."

AH - "Good thinking. You're pretty smart considering the large number of squirrel fatalities due to them running into the road and when the car stops, instead of continuing on to cross the street, they turn back the other way and get hit."


"Cars stop? Hey lady, maybe where you're from but here in New Fucking York, they don't stop for pedestrians, let alone rodents, so you have to be quick and smart. The strong survive. I'm no spokesman for the dumbass hick-squirrels of the world"

AH - "Well thanks so much for speaking with us today and I hope you enjoy a long and fabulous career!"

Hey Sammy, watch out for that car!

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Vick: "I'm so sorry"......I got caught

Here are some quotes Michael Vick just made at a press conference after officially pleading guilty to federal dogfighting charges:

"I will redeem myself. I have to."

"Dogfighting is a terrible thing. I reject it. I was ashamed and totally disappointed in myself, to say the least. I want to apologize to all the young kids out there for my immature acts. What I did was very immature, so that means I need to grow up."

"I totally ask for forgiveness and understanding as I move forward to be a better Michael Vick the person, not the football player."

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Mensa Candidate of the Week

For anyone who ever said that US American beauty pageant contestants are just a bunch of, such as, airhead dumbasses, be prepared to eat your words with this, um, thought-provoking response from Miss South Carolina in the Miss Teen USA 2007 pageant.

So the asshats just aren't going to get busted anymore?

"I'm going to have to call the Fashion Police for backup."

Britney Spears was pulled over for driving erratically on Friday night. She claimed she was fleeing the paparazzi and was determined to be "cooperative" and LET HER GO!! WTF? I mean, I guess the fact that there was a pap right there to take the above picture helped her case but not even a ticket? It's Britney Spears!! The girl shouldn't even have a license because she's batshit.

I don't get it. Are they all immune to punishment now because of the time Paris served?

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Owen Wilson attempted suicide?

Wow!! If I heard an actor was hospitalized after a suicide attempt, Owen Wilson would be the last person I'd think of.

But he was hospitalized yesterday afternoon in serious condition after an "incident" at his home in Santa Monica.

Regarding the incident, the Santa Monica police would only say that they arrived for a "medical assistance call" and that "a person was transported to a local hospital where they are being treated."

Star said the Owen was found by an undisclosed family member after slitting his left wrist and taking "an indeterminate amount of pills."

Star also reported that after stabilized, Owen would be transferred to another facility to "be detoxed."

Neither his reps or any family members would comment.

Damn!

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Those silly kids!!!

Crackheads Amy Winehouse and husband Blake were involved in little lover's spat in a hotel yesterday.

It went like this:

Around 11PM Amy met a girl outside her hotel. The girl delivered a package to Amy. (My guess to the package's contents: scones and scrapbooking supplies)

A few hours after Amy returned to her hotel room guests heard and complained of screaming and clattering furniture (In Amy's defense, scrapbooking can get a little wild sometimes)

The concierge was called and Amy asked for medical assistance in bandaging up cuts on her arm.

2:30AM - More fighting. Amy crying, bleeding, and running down the stairs, an equally bloody Blake running after her.

3:00AM - Amy ran into the street and flagged down a car asking the people in it to help her. They agreed and drove her to buy cigarettes. (been there, nic fits are the worst)

By 4:00AM the couple spoke and made up. (All a silly misunderstanding over who was going to cook dinner I'm sure.)

Then Amy texted Perez Hilton to set the story straight:"Blake is the best man in the world. We would never ever harm each other... I was cutting myself after he found me in our room about to do drugs with a call girl and rightly said I wasn't good enough for him. I lost it and he saved my life."

More info and pics here

I don't know about you, but I'm starting to wonder if this is all an act.

WHAT??!! Part 2

In other troubled spoiled bitch news, Lindsay Lohan has plead no contest to two counts of DUI. By doing this, she will not have to stand trial. Originally she was to serve a minimum of four days in jail. But that was soon changed when she was then given community service for two of the days. New count: 2 days in jail. But wait, there's more! The judge gave Lindsay one day credit for time served when she was arrested. New count: 1 day in jail. After her hard time, Lindsay have 36 months probation and attend an alcohol education program for 18 months. She also needs to show that she has successfully completed a rehab program by January 18 and was told not to use or associate with people with controlled substances. (insert laughter here)

WTF??!!! I just don't get it. Isn't what Nicole and Lindsay did worse than what Paris did? It's like they got their quota of spoiled celebrity time with Paris and now everyone else gets a free pass. It's ok Paris, you got a book and street cred.


Back to Lindsay. She (yeah right) released the following statement to TMZ today declaring her inadequacy:

"It is clear to me that my life has become completely unmanageable because I am addicted to alcohol and drugs. Recently, I relapsed and did things for which I am ashamed. I broke the law, and today I took responsibility by pleading guilty to the charges in my case. No matter what I said when I was under the influence on the day I was arrested, I am not blaming anyone else for my conduct other than myself. I thank God I did not injure others. I easily could have.

I very much want to be healthy and gain control of my life and career and have asked for medical help in doing so. I am taking these steps to improve my life. Luckily, I am not alone in my daily struggle and I know that people like me have succeeded. Maybe with time it will become easier. I hope so."

What???

Damn!! I take a dump and Nicole Richie has already served her jail sentence?

Nicole checked into Lynwood yesterday at 3:15PM and was released at 4:37PM. That's 82 minutes for those of you counting but she only was actually in her cell for 35 minutes.

Overcrowding is cited as the reason for Nicole's short stint in the can. However the jailer was the high bidder on Ebay to win that clay head of Lionel Richie from the Hello video.

Coincidence? I think not.

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Sweden: prostitution = legal. Drunken golf cart driving = illegal.

In bizarre news of the day, Bill Murray was arrested in Sweden on Sunday on suspicion of drunk driving. His vehicle? A golf cart.

Murray, while attending a golf tournament, was stopped by police (presumably on foot) early Sunday and he was arrested after he refused to take a breathalyzer test (citing American legislation) after the officer smelled alcohol on his breath. A blood test was performed and the results will take 14 days to come in (presumably because the results are transported via golf cart). He then signed a document admitting driving under the influence and permitted a police officer to enter a guilty plea on his behalf if the case goes to court. He will be charged only if his blood alcohol level is determined to be higher than the legal limit. If it is "excessively high, he may even face a prison sentence.

The officer also isn't sure who owns the golf cart. In addition, authorities are also investigating the circumstances surrounding a prank in which what was later determined to be a Snickers bar was discovered in a nearby swimming pool.

Bill insists he was framed by this guy:



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And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon

It was reported in Britain's Daily Star newspaper that Pete Doherty's cat was recently rushed to the vet after eating cocaine. Police are now said to be investigating the matter.

In a statement, a spokesperson for the RSPCA (Royal Society for the Protection of Animals) said, "It is a police matter, so we cannot deny or confirm the identity of the man who had his kitten removed. But it is very important to protect animals from substances that can do them serious harm."

"Answer me!!! Who taught you how to do this stuff?

"Meow. It was you alright? Meow, I learned it from watching you!"


Junkie rock stars who use drugs, have pets that use drugs.

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Britney grows hair / disses Timbers

Welcome back Britney's hair!! I like it. It's kind of Trailer Park Momma meets Ziggy Stardust. Go Britney!

In other Britney news, PAGE SIX reports today that Britney Spears shocked her ex Justin Timberfuck and producer Timbaland by backing out of recording the much-anticipated (and last chance at a comeback) duet with Justin at the last minute. Maybe she has issues with people with Timber in their names?

An insider said, "Timbaland set aside a week out of his crazy schedule to do this - and then, just before she was supposed to fly out, Britney abruptly canceled the session and refused to do the song. It's crazy. She's looking for a comeback, and this would have not only been a huge hit, but something she could have opened the MTV Video Awards with and really blown everyone away."

Another source added, "Listen, everyone is worried. In her mind, her album is done and she's done enough work . . . She's an easy target right now, because she's . . . sick. People like her are sick. It's like an anorexic who's sick in the head and needs help. She needs help. It's sad because what she's got - and we've heard it's like bipolar disorder - can easily be treated with medication, but she won't do it."

Insiders are concerned that without this song, her opening act at the VMA's will suck more than Michael Jackson's "Lifetime Achievement Award" acceptance, Paula Abdul's Vibeology number, and Guns N' Roses' comeback performance. Combined.

In related news, Britney's discarded wig has expressed interest in recording the duet with Timberfuck. Some of the extensions have also offered to sing back-up.

I think it could be big.

Off to Promises

Asshat Hollywood will be, um, suffering from exhaustion until August 20th .

In the meantime, to catch up on all the latest Hollywood Asshatitry, check out the links under "Not Asshats."

Take care and see ya soon bitches!
--BabyRuth

It's really Britney y'all!!

During the shoot, Britney bit the head off that bird

A rep for Elizabeth Arden insists that the above photo of Britney Spears for her new fragrance, Believe, was taken earlier this summer and that a body double was not used. There was speculation that a double was used when Britney left the set and the wardrobe assistant stood in while the lighting was set up.

Elizabeth Arden even went as far as to release the following statement to Access (not Asshat) Hollywood:

"We recently shot Britney Spears for the print campaign for her new fragrance Britney Spears Believe, in Santa Monica. It is true that Britney did leave the set; however, she returned after a brief time. Cayli was the wardrobe assistant on the shoot. We used her as a stand in so that we could set up the lighting while Britney was off the set. When Britney returned, we shot the national print ad with her.The only person in the national print ad for Britney's Believe fragrance is Britney Spears."

Well duh, they don't need body doubles anymore, they have Photoshop these days!

Who the hell is going to buy that crap anyway? They should have gone with the first idea:

Sex in Six

Sarah Jessica Parker has confirmed that the Sex & the City movie is not only a go, but that they will begin shooting in six weeks! But that's all she's saying. And I can't tell if it's by choice:

Sarah said, "It looks closer to actually happening. It's a dream. We know it's in the present. All else has been wiped from my memory."

Wow, that's some secretive stuff! I hope they didn't wipe Girls Just Wanna Have Fun from her memory because that movie ruled!

Sarah adds, "We still have some stuff to iron out, silly stuff before a studio says OK." {insert your own Botox joke here}

Personally, I can't wait! I will be first in line to download this one!

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I love when Axl stirs the shit

Keep on dreaming..

So remember a while back when there were rumors of a Guns N' Roses reunion? Well, you probably don't, but the diehards like me do. So anyway, the most recent rumors made Slash's bandmates in Velvet Revolver really nervous.

Slash says, "I was sitting at home writing songs when I heard Axl had put out a press release saying in so many words that I was going back. There had been a lot of shit going around, stories about me and Axl, but what made this so bad was that it seemed so factual. The guys were worried, angry even. I had to sit them down and tell them it wasn't true. They were still a bit skeptical as it seemed so detailed. We got through it but it was an unexpected bump in the road. I didn't expect to go there with something that was so much part of my past."

Ok, for those of you that don't know, Velvet Revolver is made up of Slash, Scott Weiland from Stone Temple Pilots, some other dude, and TWO other former members of Guns N' Roses. Can anyone see the irony? Wouldn't the other two guys know if there really was a Guns N' Roses REUNION. Maybe not Matt Sorum but at least Duff.

I'm boring the non-GN'R nutswingers, sorry.

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I can already see the Lifetime movie

She must go to the same salon as Delicious's mom

In a sort of a social commentary on America's obsession with fame, a pregnant woman named Antoria Gillon was waiting in line to try out for American Idol in Dallas on Monday when guess what? Come on guess. Here's a hint, she was NINE MONTHS PREGNANT. Yup, she went into labor.

But contractions be damned! Instead of, you know, going to the hospital and having the child, Antoria insisted on going through with the audition in front of Randy, Paula, and Simon. In case you missed it, she was in LABOR at the time.

Now you know how this show loves gimmicks....in fact, if you listen carefully, you can actually hear Ryan Seacrest cream himself over this one. No surprise, Antoria got her golden ticket to Hollywood!!!!

Oh yeah, she also had the baby, a son she named Jamil Labarron Idol McCowan. Idol weighed in at 6 lbs. 7oz.

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When you don't go to rehab, you go to the hospital

TMZ reports that Amy Winehouse was rushed to a London Hospital this morning and treated for..say it with me: exhaustion. She has been told to take "a rest" and all of her upcoming concerts have been canceled. I'm shocked! She seemed so healthy not to mention she's sooooooooo talented. (you can't see but I'm rolling my eyes and making the jerking off hand gesture as I say that)

Can I just rant for a minute here? We joke about this stuff all the time and laugh at trainwrecks like Britney, Lindsay, and Amy but I'm really getting bored with these fucking spoiled brats messing up their lives up. Then people say things like "I'm so worried about {insert random spoiled asshat} " Well you know what? I'm not worried. I'm just bored. Throw your lives away morons!

Can somebody please do something other than go to rehab, crash a car, or get pregnant?

Damn, why didn't I think of that?

Click on the picture to get your very own Michael Vick Doggie Chew Toy!

Happy Birthday Maddox!

Superchild Maddox Jolie-Pitt turned six on Sunday! Life & Style had this picture from his birthday party. Maddox is far too advanced for Pin the Tail on the Donkey so at his party the children played Settle the Conflict in the Middle East Peacefully. That was followed by a rousing discussion of 16th Century Russian Literature. In lieu of "Happy Birthday, " Maddox insisted on treating his peers to a performance of Beethoven's Symphony Number 5.

It has to be a deal with the devil!

Damn! Michelle Pfeiffer is 49 and looks better than a lot of women half her age! Those women in the background are going "BITCH!"

Anyway, she received her star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame yesterday. Are you thinking, "She just got one NOW?" too? That means Britney and Seacrest got theirs before her. That's crazy.

Trainwreck Tour of the Decade Back On!

The Van Halen Reunion Tour is a go!! Again. The band David "Radio Legend and part time EMT" Lee Roth, Eddie "where's my teeth?" Van Halen, Alex "the other Van Halen" Van Halen, and Eddie's son Wolfgang will hold a press conference on Monday, August 13th in LA and announce the dates for the fall tour.

I give it three shows tops.

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Today - LA Children's Hospital Ambassador...Tomorrow: Nobel Peace Prize Winner

Go to church right now because Armageddon has to be near. Paris Hilton is "in talks" to become an ambassador for the Los Angeles Children's Hospital.

Paris said, "I went and visited the little premature babies who were only, like, one pound. And the cancer patients. It's nice when I can go there and visit them and brighten their day and make them smile. It feels good to be able to do that."

I can't tell if she's for real or if this is all PR bullshit. Maybe she made a bet with Larry King. Who knows? I just hope those children are vaccinated, I mean their immune systems must be so low already...

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Fashin Tips with Britney

Hey yall, Britney here! Welcum to the first addition of Fashin Tips with me....BRITNEY!
Weather I'm shopping, getting a new weave, or preparin for a movie roll, I always want to look my best!

So my first tip is Don't Be Afrayed of See-thru! In fact, play it up by wearing somethin brite underneeth. Keep em guessing you know? Well, maybe not, but it sure looks cute! Top it off with some shades and a doo-rag and you got one classy outfit.

Ok, I'm off to find my kids yall! See ya next time!

Pic

Hmm, that's kind of a funny coincidence

Something to put the hurt on your penises

It's a slow day, actually it's been a slow week so far for celeb gossip so here's picture of Derek Jeter and David Beckham.

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Do you want to look like this?

OF COURSE YOU DO!!! Who doesn't want that natural, understated, girl-next-door gorgeousness? Well ladies, you're in luck! Amy Winehouse hopes to open her own beauty salon once her fifteen minutes are over (Oh stop with the whole "she's SO talented" thing already. Macy Gray? Norah Jones? Corinne Bailey Rae? Ring any bells?)

Amy said, "I'd love to have a beauty salon. My grandmother, God rest her soul, pretty much trained me and my brother. He'd give her a pedicure and I'd do her nails and her hair."



We were fortunate enough to find a photo of the late Granny Winehouse:




God rest her soul.

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Ummmmmmm

Madonna's lawyers are working hard to stop the sale of intimate photographs she had taken with her ex-boyfriend James Allbright in the early 90's. Madonna is said to be "devastated" and is concerned the photos will jeopardize her permanent adoption of David Banda from Malawia (that's still going on?)

Wow, I sure hope the lawyers can stop those photos from being sold and save Madonna's wholesome, children's book-writing image!




Want more? Check it out, I found the whole SEX book online.

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