I thought he was broke

Michael Jackson has purchased the publishing rights for Eminem's back catalogue.

Wacko bought Famous Music LLC from Viacom for an undisclosed amount and now owns the rights to songs by Shakira, Beck, and Bjork, as well as Eminem under the transaction.

He said, "This is a milestone event for Sony/ATV Music Publishing. The diverse collection of songs in this catalogue range from timeless classics to contemporary hits, and I am pleased to add the acquisition of Famous Music to Sony/ ATV."

So I guess this means we'll be hearing "Stan" in a Nike commercial soon!

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PP Cool J?

Could a duet with Fergie be far behind?

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Marilyn Manson on Firecrotch

God, I am so sick of this asshat! Nobody's talking about him, so he jumped on the Lindsay hoopla bandwagon, set up his tripod in front of his living room curtains, and filmed this video of himself talking about one time he hung out with Lindsay. He claims he was a gentleman when she undressed in front of him and "averted his gaze" from the firecrotch. Well duh! Lindsay's way too old for him!

Seperated at Birth?

So You Think You Can Dance's Mary Murphy and Rosie O'Donnell

Hollywood Cokeheads, Drunks, and Skanks Update for Wednesday, 5/30/07

Here's Lindsay arriving at Promises rehab. You know she's just going to try to get a lighter sentence. Oh well, fake it until you make it Firecrotch!

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Let's check on Britney,



Oh dear, Britney got really drunk at the Skybar over the weekend. A source told Metro.co.uk that she got really, really sick in the men's bathroom and had to be carried out, "Britney was found slumped over the toilet bowl with make-up smeared over her face and her wig hanging off." Wow, hot! Hey guys, don't all race to the Kleenex box at once!
So like Lindsay, Brit practiced some damage control by posting a message on her website.

And of course, there's the religious literature connoisseur herself (and quite possibly the root of all the above people's problems, Paris Hilton herself. TMZ has learned that Paris's cell mate has already been chosen. It will be a woman who is already there doing time for reckless driving. Jailers told TMZ that they 'were looking for someone who they believe will not try to cash in on Hilton's stay.' Yeah, that'll happen.

Officials at the prison are currently conducting searches of the staff and inmates for anything electronic in order to avoid any photos A memo went out warning staff that if they take any pictures, they will be FIRED! There's also talk of a "written protocol"prepared for Paris detailing "when and how things should be done for her." Um, the bitch get a rider for PRISON?

What the Asshats Are Up To

"Excuse me, Mr. Bookstore man, do you have any of these with bigger letters on the front? The paparazzi can't make out what the title is."

"Yes, I'm only gray on the head. No you can't see my carpet!" (that's Taylor Hicks btw)

Baby Hayek: "Owww Mom, I keep hitting my head!"

"Yeah, Diana Ross had a garage sale. I'd like to see Jessica Biel pull this shit off."

"You better take back that you like Elisabeth before I Blanket your ass!"

Nicole: "Charcoal, check! Ok, we're all set for Memorial Day!"

Mischa: "Don't we need food?"
Nicole: "Nah, we got mushrooms, that's enough."

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Oh great, now they'll think all our beauty queens are drunks

Funny, but Sandra Bullock did it better in Miss Congeniality.

Girl Fightt!

The MTV Movie Awards just may be worth watching this year, and not just because the very awesome Sarah Silverman is hosting.

Page Six reports that people working on the show, which airs live June 3, are concerned about the fact that Cameron Diaz and Jessica Biel are both scheduled to present awards and want to make sure they are kept far, far, apart.

Yes, this is all because of Timberfuck. (Still don't get it!) He's even nominated for his role in some movie no one saw called Alpha Dog (only on MTV).

A source said, "It's becoming a big deal because the girls both want very separate arrival times. Nobody knows who Cameron is going to bring, if anyone. But if Jessica walks with Justin, Cameron will want to bring a date. If Jessica goes alone, Cam will probably walk alone. It's a mess. Cam is used to being more high-profile than Jessica. But now that Jessica's dating Justin, she has more leverage. Cameron's looking a little unstable lately."

Remember when MTV punk'd Britney and Christina on the Video Awards and made them think they were going to be presenting an award to Eminem? They pussied out of course, but it was cool for a second just to see the looks on their faces. They should have Timberfuck and Jess come out together and present an award to Cameron. Then they could lower a steel cage and Cam and Jess could fight it out. Then they could tell Timberfuck that he didn't pay his taxes and they are going to take all his stuff away and he could cry like a little bitch. Then Jack Black could come out and sing a song during all of this. That would be awesome.

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Herbie- Fully Loaded

I'm sure by now everyone's heard of Lindsay Lohan's very busy Memorial Day Weekend.

She crashed her car into a curb early Saturday morning, had some minor injuries to her "upper chest area" (?) and was arrested for driving under the influence. Then the cops found a "usable amount" of cocaine in the car so further charges could be filed and she might just find herself in jail.

Now she may be headed back to rehab as early as today but not before she got one more night of partying in. Last night she reportedly stumbled out of the club around 4:00 AM and collapsed. A bouncer had to pick her drunk ass up and put her in the (thankfully) passenger seat of her SUV.

Wow, so first the Laguna Beach idiots, then Joe Francis, then Paris, now Lindsay. I love it! The police sure are meeting their quota for Hollywood cokehead skanks!

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Better start back-pedalling Dean!

Mary Jo Eustace, former wife of Dean McDermott (who left her for Tori Spelling), has written an essay for a new anthology called The Other Woman, a collection of stories written by 21 woman who have been betrayed. PEOPLE has an excerpt:



' When Dean called me from the set [of his TV movie], he told me how great he was getting along with his costar Tori Spelling. She was fun, caring and much hotter in real life. I assumed this was good. Before he left, jokes flew at the prospect of working with the daughter of a Hollywood mogul. I suggested he befriend her. "Who knows?" I laughed. It might be good for his career.

Now here he is, back. We're on vacation and I'm wearing my bikini with saggy faded bottoms. I know something is wrong. "Have you met someone?" I ask. He nods yes. "Is it Tori Spelling?" He nods. "We're soulmates," he says. "She loves me unconditionally."

"What conditions?" I scream. "You've only known each other three weeks."

I look down at my baby daughter. "We just adopted a baby." The phrase single mother pops up in my brain. I start to feel weightless as I cross the divide between together and alone.

"I'm not leaving the kids," he says. "I'm leaving you."

I begin to sob. I actually begin to worry that maybe it's all because I look fat. Maybe he was undecided, and this dreadful bikini sealed the deal. '


Yeah, I think it was the saggy bikini bottoms for sure. Chick lit irks! The much hotter part is awesome though! It's a good thing they have that unconditional love, because that's one hell of a back-handed compliment!

Yay!! Finally a new feud!!! And it doesn't involve Rosie O'Donnell!

Sharon Osbourne has lashed out at Gene Simmons for talking smack (no pun intended) about her kids being junkies.

In a recent interview with Blender magazine, Sharon said, "He said that our kids are on drugs and that his aren't messed up like that." She goes on to call Gene a "C-list [celebrity]." But she saved the good stuff for Gene's wife Shannon Tweed: "His wife's snatch has been rubbed on every pole in L.A. I'll fucking tear his head off and stick it up his wife's cunt!"

It's so cute when sweet old people fight.

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Get well Don!

While in Cannes promoting Ocean's Thirteen, Don Cheadle was stung by a jellyfish. He was swimming with his daughter at the time and sacrificed himself to protect her. "I took the hit for my daughter," he said.

Don is recovering. Fortunately for him, Joey, Chandler, and Monica were nearby and we able to pee on the sting just in the nick of time.

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Motivational and Adequete Words of Wisdom From Lindsay Lohan

"The drama and the tabloids will die down. I'm just a girl but I'm growing up. I'm learning. I'm playing different characters and hopefully, once I'm more settled in life, then you probably won't see me out so much."


Translation: "I don't have a problem, I can stop anytime I want to."

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt sweetie.

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Fashion Icon

Isn't she lovely?

I'll wait for you to catch your breath after looking at this awe-inspiring vision.

Ok, so in other classy Britney news, both Brit and ex-Witherspoon, Ryan Phillipe, have denied that they hooked up last week in the bathroom at the LA nightclub Les Deux despite a story in the National Enquirer where a source claimed the bodyguards "busted in the door [of the bathroom] and found Britney and Ryan groping and kissing."

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And the Maturity Award Goes To.................

PAGE SIX reports there is more fallout from the huge Rosie O'Donnell/Elisabeth Hasselbeck debacle on Wednesday's The View.

Yesterday, Janette Barber, who is Rosie's chief writer, was supposedly escorted from the building after being caught drawing mustaches on photos of Elizabeth's face in the "View" studios.

ABC released a statement saying that "photographs at 'The View's' offices were defaced. Rosie O'Donnell was not in the building. ABC Legal and Human Resources are investigating the matter."

There was also word of an alleged whoopee cushion, but ABC would not confirm or deny the rumor.

"My dead husband ain't wearing your outdated shoes!"

"Why can't you just leave me alone? I hate being famous and now it's worse than when I was alive!"

Courtney Love is pissed at Dr. Martens shoes because of this advertisement that features Kurt Cobain sitting in on a cloud in heaven adorned in the roach stompers.

Her rep said to PEOPLE:"Courtney had no idea this was taking place and would never have approved such a use. She thinks it's outrageous that a company is allowed to commercially gain from such a despicable use of her husband's picture. It does appear that in the UK what Dr. Martens has done is allowed. Courtney did not, and would not, approve of such a use of Kurt's name and likeness."

The ad is part of a campaign featuring several dead rock stars, including Sid Vicious from The Sex Pistols and Joey Ramone from The Ramones.

Dr. Martens's U.S. office did not immediately return calls to PEOPLE.

Me thinks she's more pissed off that she isn't getting a piece more than the fact that it's in bad taste.

I had no idea they still even made Dr. Martens. I think the last time I saw someone wearing a pair was around 1996. I never wore them personally. I got the real shit--combat boots from the army/navy store. (Holla Kate!) Yeah, we were badass. Or assbad. One of those.

Rock History

The first time was bizarrely awesome.

Add a wind machine and Joe Perry and it's off-the -charts-Grade-Fucking-A-Prime-Cut-Amazing-Ridiculousness!!

Congrats Blake!

on NOT winning American Idol and on not having to sing that wretched "This is My Now" song ever again!! This performance was awesome...full of energy, fun, and spit. Blake's the DAUGHTRY of this season for sure. (He'll be more successful than Jordin.)

I was gonna get a life, but then I got high

Really now, what does Mischa do all day other than smoke pot, shop, and have wardrobe malfunctions?

I'm kind of envious. Sounds like a pretty non-stressful existence.

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Asshat Idol - Finale Part One

The fallen Idols watch in anticipation as Blake and Jordin compete for a crappy one-album record deal which they will have no creative freedom over:

Melinda - "That's what I would have had to sing? Thank god I'm not up there."
Lakisha - "Girl, you know it. That shit's rank."
Chris - "ZZZZZZZZZ---MMMMM Blakkkeee....Oh? Damn, I keep falling asleep. Hey, pass the joint back Phil! And what's so damn funny?"
Phil - "I just farted! Hehehee!"
Old Dude next to Phil - "What is that smell?"
Haley - "I hate sitting here. No one can see my legs."
Chris - "Shut up Stacey!"
Haley- "It's HALLLEEEYYYY!"
Sanjaya -"I will execute my final plan for world domination tomorrow night, muhahhahaha!"
Chris Sligh - "Yo, can I get a hot dog over here? Hey! Aren't you Brian Dunkelman?"
Woman in the upper right hand corner - "SOMEONE HELP!! I'VE BEEN STABBED!"


Seriously, that picture pretty much sums up my feelings on part one of the finale. Too bad Blake didn't beatbox over the entire last song, refusing to sing it! That would have been so punk rock! Oh well. Since we all know Jordin is going to win (especially Jordin --by the way, you didn't yet so STOP CRYING!) the most we can hope for is a semi-funny skit featuring Sanjaya. I hope someone called Joel Mchale

Trannies revolt! Britney is no Madge!

FROM PAGE SIX:
' May 23, 2007 -- WHO knew Miami was such a tough crowd? When Britney Spears did an impromptu lip-sync/dance performance at Mansion on Saturday night, the reception was less than enthusiastic. The crowd, full of "trannies and gay guys," according to our spy, sneered at "those hideous white go-go boots and ratty extensions." One particularly unimpressed audience member: Madonna's brother Christopher Ciccone, who told our source, "My sister would never go onstage looking like that." '



Ummmmm...

ZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Told ya she'd go back to blonde!

Can you stand the excitement? PEOPLE is reporting that Jessica Simpson and John Mayer are back on after being spotted on a date Sunday night in New York City.

"A source said "They saw each other last night. I have no idea what will happen with them tomorrow. I don't think they're sure. All I know is that they like each other and saw each other. Everyone's waiting to see what's going to happen." (We are?)


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Oh For Fuck's Sake

Watch out, you just may run into Paris Hilton at your next Bible study group!

(She's not fooling anyone, everybody knows she can't read)

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Get well Pauler

Paula Abdul's chihuahua Tulip has had enough of Paula's sanity and lucidity this season on American Idol and decided to salvage the finale by causing Paula to trip and fall, resulting in a broken nose and (hopefully) lots and lots of painkillers.

Her rep told PEOPLE, "She went to the doctor and she did break her nose, but she's moving on and doing great. She looks terrific. If you didn't know she broke her nose, you'd never guess anything happened to her."

Oh stop, I'm just kidding (mostly) Get well Paula! And take twice the recommended dose.

Jessica's "friend" confirms break-up

A source close to Jessica Simpson has told PEOPLE that Jessica and John Mayer have indeed broken up. Again.
"They have broken up. But they have broken up and gotten back together at least ten times before."

The source added the two are still close. "They talk to each other at least six times a day. I don't know if this breakup is permanent, but for right now they are broken up."

This may change once John circles "YES" or "NO" on the letter that Jessica slipped him in study hall asking if he wanted to get back together again.

(Seriously, how old are these people?)

Meanwhile there are rumors that the whole relationship was a "Cruisejob."

Guess Who?

Duh, it's Britney, y'all! Now that she has about a half inch of hair she rushed to the local Sally Beauty Supply store and tied on some horse hair. She's been covering it up in public using the patented Bret Michaels bandanna method but it looks ridiculous.

SO PLEASE BRITNEY - Pull that shit out! Remember when Natalie Portman shaved her head for that movie that tanked? She owned the bald look and rocked it.

Now, granted, you are no Natalie Portman, but anything would look better than that.

John & Jessica - Over?

The king of tact, Perez Hilton, claims that "multiple sources" have confirmed that John Mayer and Jessica Simpson, or as he likes to call them, "Fugs and Jugs" have split.

One of the sources said "They officially called it quits this past weekend. They'd been having problems for a while now and just decided it'd be better to end things."

Another witness said that John was spotted at the club Stereo in New York "drunk off his ass" with " an ugly brunette that was not Jessica Simpson." Jessica is currently in Cannes.

I guess we'll find out soon enough if this is true when Jessica shows up blonde again.

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Nasty Divorce Alert

Anne Heche's estranged husband Coley Laffoon filed court papers earlier this month seeking joint custody of their 5 year old son Homer. In the papers, Coley claims that Anne isn't psychologically capable of caring for their son. (Is he for real? We're talking about Celestia here)

Among examples or Anne's "bizarre and delusional behavior" and "poor parenting skills": she once didn't put Homer in a car seat, she often cusses in front of the child, and packed school lunches that Homer "did not like." (that part was suspiciously written in crayon)

Laffoon thinks he is much better suited as a parent because of his prior experience as a nanny and summer camp counselor and is also seeking for $33,000 a month in spousal support.

When reached for comment, Anne responded to claims with "ah ka fota tuna dunna!"

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You have got to be fucking kidding me! You know she blew somebody!

FROM PAGE SIX:
' May 17, 2007 -- Paris Hilton's pals tried to get her sentence thrown out completely. That didn't work, but the heir-head will serve only 23 days of her 45-day jail sentence in a "special needs housing unit."

The sentence reduction is the result of credit for "good behavior," said L.A. County sherrif spokesman Steve Whitmore. Good behavior, according to the sherrifs office, is showing up for one's scheduled court date. However, most perps don't get amnesty for showing up in court when required.

Hilton's luxe accomodations are in a 2,200-inmate facility where police officers, public officials, celebrities and other high-profile clientele reside when they've behaved badly.

The celebutard will be separated from the general inmate population and gets an hour outside of her cell to bathe, watch television and talk on the phone, said Whitmore.

Hilton was sentenced to jail for violating the terms of her probation in an alcohol-related reckless driving case. A judge ordered her to report to jail by June 5.

A call to her lawyer, DUI specialist Richard Hutton, was not immediately returned. Hilton's flack, Elliot Mintz, declined to comment. '


Showing up to your court date is good behavior? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO! ("I take care of my kids!") If you don't show up they send Dog after you.

This really sucks. It sends the message that the rich and privileged are above the law.

Wait................What? Bullshit!

Last night's American Idol was a shocker when Melinda Doolittle was sent home. Good job America, she finally learned how to take a compliment and now her confidence will be all shot to shit again!

It is all for the best though, she's way above this show and will do better not being locked under 19E. For that reason I'm hoping my boyfriend Blake also doesn't win (but I am happy we get to see another couple performances from him.) So everyone please, vote Jordin!

BTW- Did anyone notice earlier in the show when before a commercial break Ryan said "When we come back, Melinda goes home." (He meant they would show her going back to her hometown) The look on her face was priceless--but now that we know how it turned out, it's pretty sad.

Asshat of the Week

We haven't had an Asshat of the Week in quite some time so I'd like to bestow the honor on Mr. I Love Jailbait, Marilyn Manson!

Marilyn hasn't been relevant or shocking for years (or maybe, ever) but he manages to keep his name in the news, lately mostly by the leaving his wife for a 19 year old and then possibly having actual sex in his latest video. Ooh, shocking! But his old standby is opening his mouth and letting the verbal diarrhea sputter out.

So here's what he had to say in a recent interview with U.K.'s The Observer when asked if he has blamed for the Virgina Tech shooting:

"Not as far as I know. But I wouldn't be surprised if I was blamed. You know, it all seems very manufactured to me. . . in the way that there's candlelight vigils, but I haven't seen anyone crying. Not one single person crying. Someone said to me yesterday: I'm sure you're full of mixed emotions. And I'm not, really. I don't really care. I don't know anyone involved in it. If you lose emotion, and you gain it back, you realise that hate and love are very important to distribute properly. So I'm not going to waste any kind of emotion on things that aren't related to me. It doesn't mean that you have to be insensitive or cold, or have no sort of empathy. It just means that when you do have an emotion, make it extreme."


You know what happened here right? He's pissed that he wasn't blamed so he said this to create the controversy that he didn't get. Fucking asshat. If he really didn't care he would just keep his mouth shut and not feel the need to go on and on about how he didn't care. He thinks he's so intelligent too. UGH!

So anyway, congrats Marilyn. I'm sure you'll celebrate by snorting some coke off your underage girlfriend's ass.

PS - Speaking of asses, Slayer is gonna blow your pale one off the stage SO bad on the tour this summer.

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There's just humbleness in the air I guess

"If a woman who is a successful actress weighs 300 pounds and has warts, nobody ever asks her, 'Do you think you made it because you're ugly?' So why should there be prejudice against someone who's had some success in films and looks a little better than average. It's all in my genes so don't hold it against me." - Cameron Diaz

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"Um, excuse me bitch, stop copying off me! I said it first and I have it way harder because of my hotness than you do since I'm hotter! Just look at me! Look at how I'm seductively covering my breast with my hand while glaring into the camera!"



{squinting eyes and moving head from side to side} "Oh, puhlease. You best step off ho!! Let's talk about copying shall we? Do the words 'sloppy seconds' mean anything to you? Yeah, I'm talking about Timberlake. And I am wayyy hotter than you. Check my shit out. You are not included in the popular kids in the school of Hollywood."

"Yeah, whatever Cammy, what's that picture from? The Mask? What was that 1994? A tad old to be talking about school. I'm the new IT Girl in the school of Hollywood. Oh and by the way, Justin was fabulous last night."

"I don't give two fucks about that pip squeak anymore. I just stole Minnie Driver's man. Ok, and look, you may the latest shIT girl, but I have talent. Not that people realize that because of these damn genes, but I do." {crying}

"Now see, that's what I'm saying! I just can't get taken seriously in this harsh town now matter how classy I act! Look, we should stop fighting and stick together since there are so few of us hot girls. Wanna come with me to Duane Reade? I need to buy some Pantene."

"How funny, I was just headed there for some Clearasil! You're on!"



Sorry guys, I was hoping for a bitchfight too.

Jessica Biel is humble and wants respect dammit!

"I hope all my new work will help producers in getting past my hotness." - Jessica Biel to GQ magazine.

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