Kind of hard to do with your face pumped full of BOTCHILISM!

Ok, so I saw the strangest commercial last night during Ugly Betty (BTW - wasn't it awesome last night? I Ashleyed for Marc.). I tried to find a YouTube of it, but no luck. It was a commercial for Botox and apparently their new slogan is "EXPRESS YOURSELF." Um..... I know I can't be the only one that sees the irony in that. I bet the advertising genius who thought up Crystal Pepsi is responsible for this.

You are all going to hell!

A writer for the LA Times who was at the American Idol taping Tuesday night got the scoop on the little girl that cried her way into our hearts. Her name is Ashley Ferl and she is 13 years old. Ashley lives in Riverside, California. Ashley was at the show thanks to the Make A Wish Foundation as she has a serious and extremely rare disease called hemosalinimucuosalcosis. She is constantly in chronic pain which is why she cries nonstop. It is also why she looks so young for her age, as the disease stops the aging process at around the age of eight. Her one wish was to meet Sanjaya and thanks to 19E, it came true. She was quoted, between sobs, as saying "Now I'm ready to meet Jesus."



NOW DON'T YOU FEEL AWFUL?





Ok, I'm totally fucking with you. She was there with her parents, went to a rehearsal of American Idol and started crying. The producers saw ratings and gave her a bag of onions and tickets to the show.

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Dina Lohan wants to teach Britney's mom a lesson in parenting

Mother of the Year Dina Lohan is bashing Britney Spears' mother for not being a media whore like she is:

"I don't know her mom. But I love this kid, and I feel so badly for her because I'm a mom. The girl is a beautiful kid. She married some guy just to get out of the limelight. Cut her some slack. Her mother, I'm surprised she didn't come forward. I'm not gonna sit back and go, 'You're gonna trash my kid?' If my daughter was in high school, I would be at the principal's office. Hello?"

You tell her Dina! Why can't everyone be a great mom like you? I bet that bitch Lynne Spears doesn't even share her coke with Britney! You know, between you and her loving father, Lindsay is so lucky have such a wonderful family life.

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Even Michael Moore don't wanna be involved in this crap!

Remember a while back one of Rosie O'Donnell's blog entries was titled "Loose Change?" Well, you can all finally sleep because it seems that the mystery as to what that means is finally solved.

Page Six reports that there is a YouTube documentary called "Loose Change," which claims that the United States government was behind the 9/11 terror attacks. Rosie, as well as Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban, is backing this piece of crap. Charlie Sheen is not only a supporter, he's also narrating the new version of the documentary.

I know when I want to know the truth about our government's twisted ways, I turn to a loudmouth lesbian and a hooker-lovin' drunk, but I much prefer the Clintons.

Ok, if that don't get me comments, I give up with this board.

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American Idol Recap

British Invasion week. First off, Lulu RAWKS! I want to go out drinking with her. Peter Noone, not so much.

Haley goes first with "Tell Him" (Ally McBeal's "theme song") She has the dreaded first spot, which basically means the producers think she's overstayed her welcome so they stick her there hoping viewers will forget about her by the end of the show. But Haley is awesome and fights back with an armor of hot pants, a halter, and lots of plastic jewelry (we will soon learn that diamonds are for divas). I've never been to South Beach, but I'd imagine hookers there look like Haley did last night. She does these flirty, sexy dance moves to the judges and people in the audience (I think she may have even given one guy a lap dance--I'll have to check) Some people would call this desperate --I call it smart. She has a lot to compete with so why not use her best assets, everyone else is: Blake's using his "vocal entendres," Stephanie's using her Beyonceness, Sanjay's using his hair and his suckiness, Phil is using his Weekly World News fame. So anyway, GO GIRL! Spoil the producers' evil plot. Shake that ass, watch yourself!

Chris Timberlake sat on a stool and some guy played guitar. I took a quick nap.

Stephanie pretended to be Beyonce some more. (for a better version of the song, check this out).

Blake, oh, my boyfriend Blake. I haven't gotten off that much at the phrase "Who's your daddy?" since Game One of the 2004 American League playoffs. You're my daddy Blake!! You're my daddy!! But please be my daddy in different clothes because you actually look like my daddy on golf day. The plaid pants kind of ruined that whole fuck-me thing he was going for. He dresses so much better on results nights and I want to see the rest of his tattoos. Ryan sure wants Blake to be his daddy and repeatedly touches him then attempts to dance and beatbox. It was frightening. I was embarrassed for him and jealous for Simon.

I think it's around this time that our friend Ashley makes her debut. She's sitting there blubbering and Ryan looks at her funny (good acting job, pretending she wasn't a plant) and asks "Those are tears of joy right?" She sobs and nods.

Who's next, Lakisha? Ok, so homegirl's all decked out in this emerald green dress and 1 MILLION DOLLARS (Dr. Evil? Anyone? I know, played out, sorry) worth of diamonds. She sang the James Bond theme"Diamonds Are Forever" and it was so over-the-top it was awesome. The diamonds, the lights, I was just waiting for the silhouettes of naked ladies to go swimming by.(they could have done it--they've got Haley right there.) Simon said it was too old for her, but he seemed more concerned about the diamonds, insisting they weren't worth 1 million dollars because he purchased them himself to later give to Ryan.

Phil was next. He attempted to rock out with Tobacco Road and failed miserably, but you could tell he really studied the Chris Daughtry and Bo Bice handbooks.

Jordin sang a really sad song about how she doesn't have diamonds--I think she was pissed at Lakisha. Yeah, I'm just rushing along to get to...

The duet of Sanjaya and Ashley!! Unless you are a dead celebrity waiting to be buried you know how this went down. I've gotta hand it to Sanjaya though, he really went for it. Sick of being the butt of everyone's jokes, he figured if he was gonna go out, he was gonna go out with a bang so he headed straight to the American Idol library in search of help to attain that one, groundbreaking performance. Since the Daughtry and Bo Bice handbooks were both checked out by Phil, Sanjaya got the Constantine Maroulis handbook and studied it intently. Devil horns, tongue wagging, pelvis-thrusting, the whole thing. His song choice: "You Really Got Me". And it was strangely.....awesome and entertaining!! One of his balls actually dropped during that performance--and then he shoved it in Paula's face. (thanks daq!) He was off-key the entire time, but it was so bizarre and hilarious, so what? Ok, so on top of all this awesome weirdness is our friend Ashley who's bawling her eyes out like someone stole her bike and then ran her puppy over with it. The camera director's all "Cut to another close-up of the crying girl!! Cut back to that strange boy. Now back the the crying girl again!!" It was so spastic I had to look away at times. I didn't feel so bad about skipping my ab workout that night because I got more exercise from the convulsions of laughter than I ever did from Tamilee Webb. I could actually hear everyone in America laughing right along. It was one of those moments, like Jerri getting voted off Survivor or Omarosa getting fired.

Ok, so poor Gina's got to follow that. She does a decent enough job on "Paint it Black" that Tommy Lee would make a sexually inappropriate comment to her on Rock Star Supernova, however here on Idol, that shit don't fly because it's about the singing (except when Blake Lewis is involved). She angrily throws her Ryan Starr handbook at the wall as she realizes that Sanjaya managed to outrock her.

Are we done yet? Um, ok, Chris Sligh walks through the crowd and someone holds up a sign that says "Bringing Chubby Back." Which is a way better catchphrase for Chris than "Fro-Patrol" which is not sticking no matter how hard he tries.

Here comes the headliner Melinda!!! She sings another selection out of the Nadia Turner handbook - that song from Oliver that Nancy sings right before her boyfriend kills her--are we still in British Invasion week? She's wonderful of course. Show's over, but not until they bring Ashley up on stage to cry some more. Then a shot of some other little girl that's all "Damn, I should have cried like a little bitch." Bye Ashley, see you in the finale!

America makes their phone calls.

Matthew Knowles makes a phone call.

Wednesday night - Ha! Haley's plan worked and the producers' evil scheme is foiled yet again! Stephanie's out.

Oh and Clay Aiken hurt some girl in the audience.

Cure for "hypoglycemia": Quit the coke and eat a damn sammich!!

Nicole Richie's spokesperson said that the reason Nicole has been fainting and in the hospital because she is suffering from hypoglycemia.

Nicole fainted twice this month on the set of The Simple Life 5. Her health issues have become an issue for the E! Show.

A source said, "Four or five times she's felt really faint and almost passed out. She has to go into her trailer for a good part of the day."

But a rep for the show denies this claim and said "Nicole has reported to work each day and the results have been fantastic."

Let's see what special Asshat Hollywood correspondent Ashley has to say about this. Take it away Ashley:

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What the Asshats Are Up To

"Let's go Kate, I don't want to be late to Suri's very first e-meter reading!"

"Look Shanna, a crab!"
"CRABS!! That skank gave you CRABS?"

"Weed? Check. Shower Cap? Check. Designer Purse? Check. Stuffed Frog? DAMN, I KNEW I FORGOT SOMETHING!"

"Wow Ashley, you look awesome!! Did you lose weight? Ashley? Say something sis!"

"Hey Tyra, Latifah's had it up to here with your grandstanding. Kiss MY fat ass!"

"My new song is twice as annoying as Fergalicious!"

""The doctor said I'm clear to have the Starbucks cup uninfused from my hand!"

"Nicole!! Get over here, now that we're friends again, you get to hold my bags!"

"I could totally squeeze through and get the hell out of here!"

"Jess, just swallow it or spit it out the window!"

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