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Sunday, March 29, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Asshat Idol - Top 10- Motown Week
It's too bad that everyone was pretty good last night on American Idol. Not really any trainwrecks, well unless you count Paula.
Oh Paula, don't you know you're supposed to live above the influence?
MOST AWESOME PERFORMANCE:
It's a tie -
&
Congrats to Allison for kicking everyone in the face for that bottom three bullshit last week and to Adam for continuing to be the most interesting contestant this show has ever had. If there is any justice in the world these will be the final 2.
MOST AWESOMELY AWFUL PERFORMANCE:
Not as awesomely awful as her past performances, but still pretty bad. But fun. Megan may be in trouble though, so she cawled upon her fans to vote! Hopefully they did enough to keep her beautiful feathered head around another week.
DOUCHE ALERT!:
Danny Gookey decided that he didn't need to listen to Smokey Robinson's advice because he's too much of a douche. Hopefully this will piss everyone off and the pimping will finally stop.
NOW AUDITIONING FOR DREAMGIRLS 2:
EVERYONE ELSE:
Bottom 3 predictions: Oil Rig guy (what the hell is his name?), Blind Scott, and Megan (NOOO!)
Jennifer #1 Sexiest Woman in Hollywood?
Jennifer Aniston has topped Details Magazine's new list of Hollywood's Sexiest Women.
The top five is:
1. Jennifer Aniston
2. Megan Fox
3. Gisele Bundchen
4. Frieda Pinto
5. Kim Kardashian
1. Jennifer Aniston
2. Megan Fox
3. Gisele Bundchen
4. Frieda Pinto
5. Kim Kardashian
Hmmm, no Angie?
Very funny Jen!
SOURCE
Hey, remember Jamie Lynn Spears?
Britney's sister has reportedly called off her wedding to babydaddy Casey Aldridge. However, despite rumors of infidelity in the relationship, the couple is still together.
A source told OK! magazine, "The wedding’s off. They are still in love, living together and very happy, but they have no plans to get married. Jamie Lynn has everything she wants and feels no need for a ring and piece of paper."
The source also added that Jamie Lynn is going to quite showbusiness once and focus on being a mother: "She has told friends and family she’s never coming back to Hollywood. She feels that part of her life is over. Jamie Lynn enjoyed every minute of doing Zoey, but since she’s had Maddie, her life has changed completely. She's happy being a real hands-on Southern mother and hopes to continue that for years to come with Casey right by her side. Jamie Lynn knows she needs to make a living when she grows older, so she’s already discussing her career options with advisers. She wants Maddie to grow up in comfort."
Career options = look for Jamie working the register at the local Piggly Wiggly. Good for her!
Ok, so that's one down......
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Ladies and Gentlemen, your next American Idol
So the damn President decided he's going to make some damn speech tonight which means no American Idol until tomorrow night. BOOOO!!! Damn issues and shit.
However if you're jonsing for another outrageous Adam Glambert performance, you don't have to wait until tomorrow. This one's everything you'd expect it to be, and then some. And then some more:
"Put it in me Scott!"
You know tv's getting pretty bad when you talk more about the commercials than actual shows.
About a week ago, I mentioned that fucked up cell phone commercial with the pigs eating a pig but Quiznos new commercial for their new foot long torpedo tops that. Let's watch the adventures of curious Scott and the hot slut known as Mr. Toaster.
Damn, anybody got a ciggie? I do feel a little gypped out of money shot though. You know there was a version of that commercial with mayo shooting out of the torpedo.
However, still, not better than this one:
Quiznos is so whacked, I want to get a job in their advertising department.
John Mayer is a TwitterTwat
So Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer broke up. Again.
The latest rumor is that Jenn dumped John because he was too obsessed with Twitter (STILL DON'T GET THAT SHIT!)
A source told U.K. magazine Star, "Jen was fuming. There he was, telling her he didn’t have time for her and yet his page was filled with updates! Every few hours, sometimes minutes, he’d update with some stupid line. She was like, ‘He has time for all this Twittering, but he can’t send me a text, an email, make a call?’ He didn’t deny it. He knew he was avoiding her. So when she ended things, he just said OK, and he was sorry it didn’t work out.”
You can read John Mayer's Twitter here. Here are a few examples of John's twats:
the man is dressed in a teal polo shirt and is eating an ice cream cone by way of cocking his head to one side and spinning across tongue.
We know 'fight or flight' but in a civilized society we rely more on "posture" and "submit." It's a psychic war. When 2 rise, when 2 give in
Seriously, let me get the spread gun. You're better than me and I need it. There it is... hold on, let me... DICK!!
Today, let's get out there with 30 lives!! UP UP DOWN DOWN B A B A SELECT START!!!! Let's go people!! Let me get the spread gun, please.
This crap reminds of that kid in high school (everybody had one) that always made such an effort to so bizarre and eclectic by writing random shit like Sonic Youth lyrics on their book covers or the chalkboard but you could tell they were trying way too hard and were actually just a total attention whore.
By the way John, it's UP UP DOWN DOWN LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT B A SELECT START dumbass!
SOURCE
Friday, March 20, 2009
This next song goes out to Paris Hilton...
I recently saw Papa Roach live for the first time and I've gotta say, they're pretty damn awesome. I never really gave them much credit before and they surprised the hell out of me at that show.
Here's a video off their upcoming album, Metamorphosis (comes out next Tuesday, March 24th) , it's called "Hollywood Whore" and it's my new favorite song. At the show, lead singer Jacoby Shaddix dedicated it to the lovely Paris Hilton-
Be warned though, around 2:50 it gets a little Raiders of the Lost Ark scary, but it's awesome.
"Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya honey!" I think I love this dude!
Here's a video off their upcoming album, Metamorphosis (comes out next Tuesday, March 24th) , it's called "Hollywood Whore" and it's my new favorite song. At the show, lead singer Jacoby Shaddix dedicated it to the lovely Paris Hilton-
Be warned though, around 2:50 it gets a little Raiders of the Lost Ark scary, but it's awesome.
"Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya honey!" I think I love this dude!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Asshat Idol - Top 11 - sorry so late
I'm starting to wonder if this is even necessary this season because I feel like every week I'll just be posting Adam and Megan's performances.
In case you're one of the two people that hasn't seen Adam Glambert's amazing rendition of "Ring of Fire" or if you insist you hate it but just can't stop yourself from watching it one more time, here it is, complete with Randy Travis protesting wayyy too much:
It's like this dude slipped America a cosmo/roofie/acid cocktail and then slipped them something else up their collective conservative ass. And it freaked everyone the hell out because it was so strange yet incredible and it BURNS like a motherfucker!!. Which is awesome, especially after 8 seasons of this show. The closest we came to this was Sanjaya or maybe that time Fantasia performed, but it's clear now that they were just the warm-up acts. People are all "Johnny Cash is rolling over in his grave." No he ain't, he's loving this shit. He covered Nine Inch Nails for Christsakes.
On to my other favorite girl, Megan Joy (apparently she dropped the Corkery-- Which makes me wonder, is she afraid of people calling her Corky because of her awesome dance moves? Which then makes me wonder, do people even still use "Corky" as a politically incorrect putdown for someone who displays characteristics resembling that of a mentally challenged person? Cause that show was a long time ago. I know lately people just go with "retard." And they are all going to hell. Where Adam's "Ring of Fire" is currently on permanent loop). Anyway, Megan had the (bird) flu this week so instead of imitating robins and crows, she took it to the farm and did a goat impersonation. A lady goat. Full of milk.
Then last night on elimination night, TPTB over at Idol tried to punish Adam for his awesomeness by making him think he might be in the bottom three, but everybody knew it was going to be Allison. I mean Alexis. Allison was in the bottom three too though. And that oil guy.
Allison, I mean Alexis was the lowest vote-getter and attempted to sing for the judges' new power of veto, but she "just wasn't good enough" so she went home with the most awesome bitchface ever.
ASSHAT OF THE WEEK
It's one thing for the inconsiderate fuckheads at TMZ to cream themselves over every detail of a horrific tragedy, we expect that by now. But shoving cameras in the faces of a grieving family? That's bad taste, even for them.
Asshat of the Week runner-up goes to Liz Smith for selfishly attempting to stay relevant by blabbing details of Natasha Richardson being taken off life support yesterday.
The whole thing is terrible and sad enough and it's really disgusting the way these leeches are treating it.
RIP Natasha.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Asshat Idol - Top 13
MOST AWESOME PERFORMANCE:
Hands down, Jorge Nunez with "Never Can Say Goodbye." This is one of those unforgettable American Idol moments where you know you're watching a star being born. The excitement of the song, the awesome stage presence, everything about it was just incredible. Just wow!
Yes, I'm kidding.
I just wanted to see if anyone fell for that before I posted this:
Black, white, man, woman, gay, bi, whatever, we all bought into it, just admit it. How could you not? This kid's got some big balls and I bet they sparkle. Not to mention vocal chords. Shit, can we finally have metal night, because I wanna hear him do some Maiden. What didn't he do? If you watch closely, he even did that thing at the end where he morphed into all the different people (OMG- Tyra?!!) The only thing that would have made this performance better would be if he did that little rap in the middle that Macaulay Culkin lip-synched to. Still, Adam Lambert will save this season from being a complete snoozefest, one song, tube of glitter, and eyeliner pencil at a time.
Somewhere Nathaniel Marshall is crying, realizing Adam is what he failed so miserably at trying to be.
ALSO AWESOME:
Even more than Allison's great performance and the marvelous faces she makes, is when Simon told her to "lighten up" (on her song choices) to which Allison responded "It's not like I cut or anything." (unfortunately not in the above video) Love!
MOST AWESOMELY BAD PERFORMANCE:
Remember last season when Carly sang "Blackbird" and all hell broke lose because Simon hates songs about birds? Well Megan Corkrey has two words for Simon and they are, "CAW!! CAW!!" It was the perfect cap to her Sesame Street worthy performance of "Rockin' Robin" complete with chicken dance choreography. That was some pretty amazing shit right there.
NO ANOOP!!!
Anoop totally blew what could have been an awesome performance of "Beat it".
I fear for our Slumdog Idol. Also in trouble, Jasmine the Disney Princess and any guy who is not glamoriffic, blind, or a pathetic dead-wife pimper.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
What. The. Fuck?
Do you ever wonder how the fuck some of the things we see on tv come to be?
Like, really think about it?
Like, somewhere in the not too recent past, a bunch of advertising executives were sitting around a conference room table trying to think up ideas for a cell phone commercial (yes, that's what it was!) and they can't think of anything and finally one guy's like "I GOT IT!! Cannibal pigs!" And the rest of the people are like "THAT'S IT!!!"
So then they bring it to the cell phone company that hired them and they're all "So our idea is these pigs. Sitting in a restaurant. Eating...wait for it....PORK!" And the cell phone company people are all "THAT'S IT!! WE LOVE IT! WE'RE SURE TO SELL LOTS OF CELL PHONES WITH THAT!"
So the cell phone company gives the advertising firm the money and they hire people to build the sets, do the voiceovers, CGI the pigs, get the props, work the cameras, and edit the commercial and while this is all going on, not one of those people is like "Is this for fucking real? Do they really think this crap is going to get people to buy cell phones?"
And then the commercial is complete and the company goes to buy the airtime and shows the commercial to the network and the network is like "That's cool, we'll run it!"
Seriously, think about that shit.
She bleeds just like us!
Angelina Jolie fell yesterday while filming her new movie, spy thriller Salt in Washington D.C.
Very funny Jen!
Want some hot Idol action?
Idol really didn't think this one through.
When they selected a top 13 this year instead of the usual top 12, somebody forgot to check to make sure they owned the number 1-866-IDOLS-13. Turns out, they don't.
Who does? Apparently some hot horny girls that want to talk to you. The message goes on to say "Lie back baby, relax and get ready to met real local students, housewives and working girls from all over the country. Hot horny girls calls free all day and night because we love nasty talk as much as you do," before asking for your credit card.
As of now, the number still has that message. Not sure how Idol's gonna handle this one. There's a rumor that they don't need the number because one contestant will be given immunity (also something that's never been done before). Guess we'll have to watch and find out.
Of course, I had to see for myself, so I called the number, and it's for real. I do have to say though, it's nice to see that former Idol contestant Haley Scarnato has found some work.
SOURCE
In other Idol news, the kissoff song for this year has been revealed as Carrie Underwood's cover of Motley Crue's "Home Sweet Home."
Seriously:
Monday, March 9, 2009
Bad Swedish meatballs or did he finally listen to St. Anger?
Metallica had to cancel a show in Stockholm, Sweden yesterday after singer James Hetfield was rushed to the hospital minutes before they were set to perform.
Drummer and band asshole Lars Ulrich made the announcement to the disappointed fans, saying that Metallica were "truly, truly, truly sorry."
James' spokesperson said that he caught a stomach bug Sunday and also suffered dehydration. He left the hospital that evening and has since returned to the United States with the rest of the band.
SOURCE
Ring in a box
Justin Timberfuck was recently spotted shopping for diamond rings at a jewelery store in New York, leading to speculation that he and girlfriend of two years, Jessica Biel, are going to get engaged soon.
There are even rumors that the two are already planning to wed this summer in Italy and are even looking at venues. A source told British newspaper Metro, "They both like the idea of marrying in Italy in the summer."
Well I say good for them. I hope they go on a really long honeymoon so we could get a couple weeks without a Timberfuck cameo on Saturday Night Live. I mean really, they should just put him in the opening credits. As if that show didn't suck enough.
SOURCE
They grow up so fast!
So weird. I was just watching "School of Rock" yesterday and then today I found out that the kid that played Zach was busted for underage DUI last month. What the hell? Those kids aren't supposed to age, let alone grow up to be dumbasses!
17-year old, Joey Gaydos Jr. released an apology to TMZ.com:
"Some of you may have seen video footage of me on shows like TMZ, or your local news regarding an unfortunate incident I had a few weeks ago.Sounds like he's not letting the man get him down.
The first thing I would like to say is, I made a HUGE mistake, and I really regret my actions. What I did was wrong, and all I can say is, I'm sorry to anyone I may have let down, I'm only human, and we ALL make mistakes.
To everyone who has supported me through this I would like to say, THANK YOU, it really means a lot."
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