Goodbye 2008

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season! (Anybody else as glad it's over as me?)

So now all that bullshit's over, it's time to look back at the fucked year that was 2008. And I decided that the best way I could do that was to put all the highlights (?) into a lameass parody.

But what song could I rip off that compiles past events into a catchy sing-a-long? Hmmm.

Oh yeah.

A Wrap-up Is Required

(sung to the tune of Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire")

(play the video and sing along with my words)

Marry conman? "no way!" so said Anne Hathaway
Cherry chapstick, kissed a girl; Phelps gets the gold
Paul McCartney divorcin'; Superbowl - the Giants win
Jacko's career to diarrhea, Neverland is sold

Facebook dot com; Rock of Love; Kardashian
A-Rod she first denied, but then Madonna split with Guy
Miley/Hannah’s sixteen; Aiken is an out queen
Sex and the City, Twilight, Iron Man and Dark Knight

CHORUS:

A wrapup is required
Gossip's always churning
Another year is turning
These asshats we admired
No we won't admit it
So we try to spin it

Obama and Biden, McCain and Palin
Who is dumber? Joe the Plumber, what in the fuck?

Giuliani, Romney, John Edwards, and Hilary
Breaking down all the walls, Congrats to Barack

If you like it, put a ring; Heidi Montag tries to sing
Axl’s album, China ban, Dr. Pepper, a free can

The very humble KANYE WEST, with auto-tune he’s obsessed
Britney’s crazy, Britney’s sane, the music still sucks anyway!

CHORUS:

A wrapup is required
Gossip's always churning
Another year is turning
These asshats we admired
No we won't admit it
So we try to spin it

Paul Newman, Isaac Hayes, Tim Russert, and Bettie Page
Heston, Bernie Mac, Carlin, and Pollack

Estelle Getty, Cyd Charrise, Heath Ledger, Rest in Peace
So hard to say goodbye.... wait, Amy Winehouse didn’t die?

Halle had a baby, so did Nic Richie
Jess Alba, J-Lo, Keith Urban and Nicole

Brangie, Christina A, even Matt McConaughey,
Britney’s sister, ut oh, didn’t use birth control!

CHORUS:

A wrapup is required
Gossip's always churning
Another year is turning
These asshats we admired
No we won't admit it
So we try to spin it

"By the way," said Silverman, "I'm fucking Matt Damon"
Jess Simpson - has-been, won't stop blabbin
Winners Philadelphia; Jonas Brothersmania
"Not cool" this again? - Jolie vs. Aniston

Locklear under arrest; Spitzer paid a lot for sex
Prop 8: not fair to gays; OJ's finally put away!!

CHORUS:

A wrapup is required
Gossip's always churning
Another year is turning
These asshats we admired
No we won't admit it
So we try to spin it

Gossip Girl, Mad Men, Brenda Walsh is back again
Guest spots, Cook rocked, Tina Fey’s Palin mock
Reality on the incline with writers on the picket line
The best villain that we had was Archuletta’s stage dad

Mortgage crisis, market dive, financial suicide
Too much debt, layoff threats, CEO’s still on their jets
Auto execs take the floor, government bailouts they score
Slip into recession more, now everybody’s fucking poor!

CHORUS:

A wrapup is required
Gossip's always churning
Another year is turning

A wrapup is required
And now the year gone
But bullshit still goes on, and on, and on, and on...

Holiday Songs for 2008

Is this commercial creeping anybody else out?

For real! It's just fucking wrong! If I were a kid, this kind of crap would ruin Christmas for me.

Listen up kids, don't believe this garbage ok? Yes Virgina, Jessica Simpson and Donald Trump are right, there really IS a Santa Claus, but he's not some weird skinny douche with a smartphone.

To get that mess out of our heads and warm our chilled heartstrings back up here's a local commercial starring this guy named Good Ol' Tom. Now, unlike that Palm Centro tool, Good Ol' Tom is a warm-hearted, huggable real-life Santa, helping people in these hard times by giving them cash for their old broken jewelery and family heirlooms.



You know the class ring guy went on a crack binge after that!


That was touching, I know, but this one is the best. I dare you not to tear up at this Clio deserving masterpiece:



Gets me every time! "Thank you Raymond!"

Porn Shop Musical!!

Check out Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens posing with a fan as they shop for some new toys!

Looks like Vanessa is in the baking section. I never knew you can buy cupcake pans in the shape of balls with mini-penis candles! How sweet of her to bake for Zac!

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Fight at the Rock of Love Charm School reunion, and it's not Heather!

On Rock of Love Charm School a few weeks ago, Megan Hauserman was expelled after she kicked Brandi M. Host Sharon Osbourne told her she just would not tolerate violent behavior.

However, what Sharon didn't mention to Megan at the time was that the no violence rule did not apply to her!

At the RoL Charm School reunion special taping Saturday night, Megan insulted Sharon by telling her that she was "only famous for managing a brain dead rock star." Oh snap!! (Oh Megan, you poor, dumb, slut. That may very well be true, but you never, EVER say it to Sharon's face!) That was it. Sharon reportedly jumped up, ran across the stage and grabbed Megan by her hair and beat her ass down. Security had to separate the two. Megan went to the hospital the following day and was seen exiting wearing a sling. She also filed a report with the LAPD.

Megan is next up to star in her own VH1 reality show called Trophy Wife (Christ, make this shit stop!) in which she searches for love with a sugardaddy. She may not need one after this is all settled.

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Tom and Matt Part 2: Less Glib, More Boring

In order to get people to pay money to see his new movie, Valkyrie, Tom Cruise is in the middle of a desperate attempt to convince the public that he is not a crazyfuck. This morning to returned to the Today Show to make nice with Matt Lauer after Glibgate '04 (Holy crap, that was almost FIVE years ago?!!)

In the clip above, Tom says he came across as "arrogant" and said that he learned a lesson from the incident. Then he and Matt Lauer made out. Then a giant meteor crushed all the waving morons.

Another Baby!

Naomi Watts gave birth to her and Liev Schreiber's second child yesterday. They had a boy, but the name was not released.

They have a one-year boy named Alexander.

Let's hope they keep up the "normal baby name" trend!

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Ho, Ho, Creepy Flesh Colored Beard!

Santa: "You would not believe the number of people who have asked me to make you two go away!"

Charlie and Denise's daughters in 4 car pileup

Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards's daughters were involved in a car accident yesterday afternoon when a Honda Civic cut off the Mercedes the girls were riding in (driven by their nanny), causing a four car pileup.

Fortunately Sam and Lol were not harmed. The only person who was injured was the driver of the Honda, who was taken to the hospital.

Charlie's publicist Stan Rosenfiled told PEOPLE, "Charlie told me that the girls are fine. He said it could have been much worse. They were in their car seats, and he is extremely grateful for the safety features from Mercedes.”

In related news, the girls also seem to (so far) be unharmed from a recent train wreck they were involved in.

When auto-tune attacks!

Congrats Ashlee Simpson! You no longer have the worst musical performance in Saturday Night Live history!

David Cook once again proves that he is the most awesome person on the face of the Earth

"Suck it Archuletta!"

Our leader finally speaks to us!! Directly!

Our leader has been MIA ever since the release of Chinese Democracy -no interviews, no press, no promotion, no Axl. (That's where I've been by the way, searching all the caves of Malibu one by one with a lantern and a bucket of KFC--sadly to no avail.)

But then all of a sudden, last Thursday, someone with the screenname "Dexter" randomly appeared on the forum of mygnr.com and started going off on another poster, calling him a "cunt." The two went back and forth for awhile and it was eventually revealed that Dexter was in fact Axl Rose (he disguised himself by using "cunt" instead of "fuckhead.") After the site admin confirmed that it was in fact, the real Axl, he then began answering questions from fans on everything from being late to shows, the reunion rumors, and Oprah, and being pretty open (and funny) while doing it.

If that wasn't enough, "Dexter" then went over to another fansite, heretodaygonetohell.com and once again, answered even more questions.

Then the next day he took Carpal Tunnel Tour '08 over to chinesedemocracy.com

You can read a transcript of all of chats HERE. (the best part is when he says he's skateboarding in blue jello while on acid and wearing the white booty shorts) It's pretty amazing stuff (well if you're a nutswingin' diehard like me) and I gotta say, that's a pretty damn cool thing to do. In fifteen years when the next album is released this will definitely rank in the top five of the new Great Moments in Axl History!

Merry Christmas OJ!!!

Heidi and Spencer's Fake ass Honeymoon Photos

Everyone's favorite couple, Heidi and Spencer, topped off their fake-ass wedding with a fake-ass honeymoon. Of course, they brought along a photographer to document every wretched moment. You can see all the photos on TMZ (there's over 100!), but actually, some of them weren't so bad:

"Hey Joel, you were right! That flesh-colored beard IS creepy!"

Asshat Hollywood would like to extend its best wishes to the happy couple!

Asshats of the Week

Memorize the faces of the two bitches above so you can spit on them if you ever see them.

Their names are Brianna Broitzman (19, left) and Ashton Larson (18, right) and they have been named in a lawsuit along with four other teenagers for abusing elderly Alzheimer's patients in a Minnesota nursing home. The other four girls were not named since they are minors (Bullshit! I hope someone finds out their names and posts them all over the internet!). Their parents must be so proud!

So what exactly did these sperm-better-off-left-in-the-condom little cunts do? Here's a list:

Brianna poked one resident's breasts, spit a loogie into the mouth of another elderly person, stuck her fingers in a resident's mouth and nose to make them scream (which she thought was hysterical), and stuck her bare ass in the face of another resident. She has a total of eleven criminal counts.

Ashton "inserted her finger into a resident's rectum," spit water on another, and would deliberately bathe a resident in a rough manner so the elderly man would get an erection. Sick! She has ten counts.

There's more on the Smoking Gun in the official documents. It's really disgusting. They took photos of a lot of this stuff too.

The girls defense? They were "just having fun." Way to insult Cyndi Lauper you little twats!! This is NOT what she had in mind. Yup, the girls would get together each day and laugh about all their silly antics. They figured they would not get caught because "the residents did not have their right minds."

Each bitch faces up to a year in jail for each of the counts. Here's hoping everyone on the jury has a parent or grandparent in a nursing home.

Oh, here's the best part, you ready? The name of the facility this all went down in is the Good Samaritan Society Nursing Home. Guess, they'll have to change the name.

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Dear men of Hollywood,

Please stop with the freakin' moustaches!

Set your Tivo!

PEOPLE reports that the Duggars plan to let the TLC network film the birth of their 18th (not a typo) child and air the footage for all to watch.

It will look something like this:

Blake Incarcerated

Amy Winehouse's husband Blake Fielder-Civil is going back to the slammer.

Blake's lawyer confirmed the news to PEOPLE today, but did not say why, though rumor is it's because Blake failed a drug test. Shocking!

Blake, who was sentenced for 27 months on assault charges, had been released early to rehab, but since he has been recalled, he now must serve the remainder of his sentence behind bars. That means he'll be locked up until 2010.

Last night, Blake allegedly ran away from rehab to visit Amy, who is currently in (another) rehab facility. He reportedly begged Amy to forgive him.(for getting her hooked on drugs?)

No word on Amy's response, but when reached for comment on Blake's reincarceration, she said "BLLLLLAAAAAAAKEEEE!"

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Quick!! Who is this?

If you said Barry Manilow, you're.......................WRONG!!

If you said Clay Aike, you're..............................WRONG!!


It's our old friend Phil Spector at his trial. What's with the pin btw? Is he hoping for a pardon or something?

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Happy Birthday Britney!

(The New and Improved) Britney celebrated her 27th birthday last night in New York. Here's hoping 27 is a better year than 26 was.

Everything that is wrong with music today

So KANYE WEST... beat my boy Axl in the race for #1 album (in this country anyway. Chinese Democracy went platinum in Finland bitches!) While Axl remains missing, Kanye is currently having his head measured to so his asinine Star Trek glasses can be refitted to accommodate his (even more) expanded head.

KANYE is so impressed with his new album, 808s and Heartbreak, that he has reportedly turned his back on the hip-hop genre altogether, as he claims it has become a "cliche," and will now focus on a new genre he has created which he refers to as "pop art."

"This is not hip-hop music. Taking a sample, looping it and doing all that 'throw your hands up in the sky' thing has become such a cliche. Hip-hop is over for me. I sing, not rap, on this album. I now want to be grouped among those musicians you see in those old black-and-white photos - the Rolling Stones, Jimi Hendrix, the Beatles. And I'm not going to get there by doing just another rap album full of samples. I've had to create a whole new musical genre to describe what I'm doing now and I'm calling it 'pop-art' - which is not to be confused with the visual art movement."

Christ, where do I begin? Ok, first off, while I agree with Kanye's assessment of the hip-hop genre, it was ALREADY cliche when he came on to the scene, so the way I see it, he owes all of his success to the fact that it was already at the point where any moron can become a successful hip hop artist!

Secondly, The Rolling Stones, Jimi Hendrix, and the Beatles never used fucking auto-tune! A vocoder is NOT singing and a product it was used in should never be referred to as "art." Do people actually like the way that shit sounds? This is very troubling to me. Worst fucking invention in music since Britney Spears. And it's all your fault Cher.

Kanye recently compared the current musical landscape to the greatness of the 60's and 70's. Yeah, ok. Shit, the 90's (which sucked!) were better than most of the garbage that's out today. Know what people had in the 60's and 70's Kanye? Talent. These days, people decide they want to be stars before they even know if they have any talent. Because it doesn't matter anymore. Singles have replaced albums, autotune have replaced singing ability, The Pussycat Dolls have replaced The Supremes, and Guitar Hero has replaced guitars.

I sound like a pissy old fuck, I know, but maybe that's because I am one now and I finally understand where the pissy old fucks that used to complain about the synthesized music I loved as a child in the 80's and how it wasn't "real music" were coming from. And that shit was more "art" than today's crap!

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