American Music Awards

Last night were the American Music Awards. I don't normally watch them, but there was apparently a rumor that our leader would finally be appearing before us and it seemed like an actual possibility. So I armed myself with a bottle of Merlot and decided to watch it instead of my other television option, WWE Survivor Series (which I figured would suck since the most awesome wrestler ever, my beloved Edge, has been gone for the past three months).

Although throughout the night, host Jimmy Kimmel made references to a "surprise guest," it wasn't Mr. Rose. We did get braids, but they belonged to Alicia Keys, who closed the show performing with Queen Latifah as special guest #1 (some "surprise", they kept showing her in the audience!) and some opera singer.



Though that was a letdown, it was nice to see somebody actually singing and playing an instrument instead of singing three lines and dancing to backup singers/taped vocals because that's what the show mainly consisted of.

Even Christina followed the theme of the evening with her opening number:


I will admit though, every time I see Beyonce do this performance it memorizes me and I sit and watch the entire thing:


Then I go on YouTube and watch other people do it. Then I watch the original routine that was the inspiration. Then I do it in front of my bathroom mirror. Then I shoot myself.

Speaking of suicidal (or is that homicidal):


Seriously sweetie, no man is worth that, let alone a Jonas brother. And why no reaction shot? They weren't afraid to get one after every recycled Russell Brand joke Jimmy Kimmel attempted:



So then Kanye said he wanted to be Elvis:


And this was the result:


Here's Scott Weiland introducing Pink who will be performing a song called "Sober." Oh the irony:


And Pink rocked that shit:



The most awesome person in the world, David Cook gets stuck doing the pre-show and then got cut for a commercial:


But they had enough time for this garbage:

Can those other girls even sing?

IT'S MILEY!



Didn't get it then:

Crotchgrabs? Ewww.

And don't get it now:

Thank god for alcohol.

Meanwhile, on Survivor Series:


Yup.

Great Moments in Axl History #4-1!

We're in the homestretch homefucks!!!

#4. Goodbye (for now) old band.



What many fans were dreading was finally confirmed back in 1996 when Slash and Duff, the last two original members (besides Axl) of Guns N' Roses quit the band and left Axl with nothing but the name. Axl promised to have a new album (with an all new band) the following summer (that would be 1997). Well, we all know how that went.

In the meantime Slash, Duff, and drummer Matt Sorum joined up with Scott Weiland (good choice after spending so many years with a volatile singer!) and formed Velvet Revolver in 2003. They released two albums with some success. Then, in a familiar story, personalities clashed with their singer and soon Scott was out just in time for a Stone Temple Pilots reunion. This left the three members again looking for a new frontman. Many names flew around, including Lenny Kravitz, but before that happened, the band was dropped from their record label.

Axl finally got around to releasing that album.

Of course everyone wants a reunion of the original band, but as of now, it doesn't seem like that's going to happen (especially if Slash hears a song called "Sorry"), but never say never. After all, Chinese Democracy has been released! So anything is possible!

Until then, we'll always have memories like this:


#3. GIMME SOME REGGAE!!!



I wonder whatever happened to Tracy and Roberta.


#2. "Thanks to the lame ass security, I'm going home!"

It was the perfect moment. GN'R, the best song of all time:"Rocket Queen", a dead Muppet, and the TIGHTY WHITEY BOOTY SHORTS. But then something happened.



Axl was later arrested for the incident and who was there to get the first interview when he was released from court? Duh!



Wanna know why Axl hasn't commented on Chinese Democracy? Nobody asked Kurt Loder to interview him.

#1. It really happened:



What the hell are you still doing here? Get your ass to Best Buy!! (and don't forget to get your free Dr. Pepper) Axl will be pleased.

FOR THE LAST TIME, THIS HAS BEEN GREAT MOMENTS IN AXL HISTORY.

(See you again in about fifteen years for the next batch.)

Alright, that sucked!

Great Moments in Axl History #5

First off, way to copy me MTV!




#5. Axl's down with the Governator

We've spent so much time covering Axl's enemies, that it would seem like he doesn't have any friends. But that's not true! One of his dearest is Ahnold Schwarzenegger.

Long before Chinese Democracy, Arnold the Governor of Caleefornia, and The Sarah Connor Chronicles, GN'R's song "You Could Be Mine" was used in Terminator 2. And the video was awesome. It featured clips of the movie, a cameo by Arnold as the Terminator, and THE TIGHTY WHITY BOOTY SHORTS!! It doesn't get much better than that!



Here's everyone talking about the making of the video:



This wasn't the only time Axl's music was used in one of Arnie's movies. "Oh My God" was featured on the soundtrack to End of Days, but it's best leaving both that song and movie forgetten.

THIS HAS BEEN A GREAT MOMENT IN AXL HISTORY

Kelly Osboune engaged!

Now we know why Ozzy's doing those cell phone commercials. He has a wedding to pay for!

US Weekly reports that Kelly Osbourne is getting married! Her boyfriend, model Luke Worrall made the announcement on his Facebook page when he changed his online relationship status to "engaged to Kelly Osbourne."

The couple has been dating for six months. Kelly is 23 and Luke is 18. Kelly, you cougar!! At least unlike some people, he's legal.

Congrats to the happy couple who I'm sure will have a long, happy marriage!

Sexiest Man Alive

Just in time for his new movie, Hugh Jackman has been named PEOPLE magazine's Sexiest Man Alive!


Hey does this mean they're going to bring back Viva Laughlin?

Watch out Pussycats, there's a new show in town!

Melanie Brown (aka Mel B) and Kelly Monaco are set to star in a new burlesque show in Vegas called PEEPSHOW. Although the dancers in the show will be topless, Mel and Kelly will not be. (For anyone that wants to see Kelly's boobs, just google "Kelly Monaco Playboy") Both women have appeared on Dancing With the Stars.

Here's the plot, Kelly's character is "Little Bo Peep," a timid and lonely girl who is guided by Mel's, "Peep Diva,"who says she will be "scantily clad, but in a classy way."

Mel went on to tell PEOPLE, "This is an original show. The Peep Diva is a diva, but it's all about empowering Kelly's part."

I know, wow! Although, I think I saw a porno like that once.

Like the Pussycat Doll lounge act, the show will have a revolving cast of guest (C-list) celebrities starring in it. Let's just hope this show doesn't spawn a pop group.

Let's check in the rehearsals:

Great Moments in Axl History #9-6

Sorry, sorry!! I know y'all have been anxiously awaiting the latest installments of Great Moments in Axl History, but I figured the best tribute I can pay to him would be to make you wait for it!

Ok, that's not true. I was just lazy.



#9 The Evil Stephanie Seymour



Once upon a time in a far, far away land called Paradise City there lived a red-haired prince named Prince Axl. Now in this time, Prince Axl was a hot piece and could have had his pick of any of the maidens in the entire kingdom.

One day Prince Axl met a beautiful young woman named Stephanie and immediately fell in love with her. But little did Prince Axl know that the fair Stephanie was really evil and had cast a spell on him! So while Prince Axl wrote her love songs and gave her presents, The Evil Stephanie whored around with all of the other older and richer princes in the kingdom.

Finally, the spell wore off and Prince Axl realized he had been played. The two fought and each accused the other of abuse in the higher court. The village believed The Evil Stephanie because she's evil and Prince Axl was labeled a monster. (This one time, The Evil Stephanie morphed into her other form, a menancing black cat, and was almost caught. So to cover up her alter ego, she told everybody that Prince Axl made her go pee pee into the kitty litter box!) Prince Axl just wanted The Evil Stephanie to go away because what he thought was beautiful didn't live inside of her anymore and they reached an agreement out of the eye of the people of Paradise City.

The Evil Stephanie Seymour eventually married some old, wealthy, king and had babies with him to ensure her endless riches while poor Prince Axl was heartbroken for many years and went into hiding, writing many sad songs. (Hear them on Chinese Democracy, available November 23rd exclusively at Best Buy!)

(Also, beware whenever you see a menacing black cat because it could be The Evil Stephanie Seymour on the prowl.)


#8. Who's the Boss? Duh, who do you think? (AKA: Axl saves the day!)

Here's another story, but this one is a really cool . The plan was for Elton John and Rod Stewart to perform the song "Come Together" to honor John Lennon at the 1994 Rock and Roll Hall Fame ceremony where John was to be (posthumously) inducted as a solo artist. However an earthquake in Los Angeles changed those plans when it hit shortly before the event and they were not able to make it.

The production crew scrambled during the live show to get a replacement to perform the song. They literally went table to table at the ceremony looking for someone! So first, they approached Bruce Springsteen, who politely refused. Then they saw Axl at the next table and asked him. Axl said yes and then pulled up a chair next to Bruce. The two were then seen going over the lyrics for a couple minutes. When the act that was playing onstage during all of this left the stage, Axl and Bruce got up from the table, walked onstage and came together to perform the song.



I always love seeing Axl perform with a straight man as well as on a small stage (the musical equivalent of "fat guy in a little coat"). Awesomeness.


#7. Axl vs. Eagles of Death Metal (AKA: Axl vs. the Pigeons of Shit Metal)


In 2006, Axl invited a little known band called The Eagles of Death Metal (neither the Eagles nor death metal) out on tour with his band as the opening act. During the very first show while the Eagles were on, the audience started loudly booing them. Later, when Axl took the stage he asked the audience if they enjoyed "the Pigeons of Shit Metal," and then told the crowd that he was kicking them off the tour because they sucked.

There are rumors that new GN'R bassist, Tommy Stinson threw down his bass in response to Axl's comment and that Axl picked it up and threw it at him. (Don't know, can't find a video of it, but Tommy's still in the band, so....)

Another reason EODM singer Jesse Hughs claims for Axl's comment was that earlier that night Jesse referred to Axl's BFF Sebastian Bach as "Savage Animal." He claims a pissed off Sebastian told Axl, who wasn't pleased.

Whatever the reason, The Eagles of Death Metal responded to the firing by releasing a statement where they lamely inserted names of GN'R songs:

“ At first, the audience refused to welcome us to the jungle, but by the time we took our final bow, it had become paradise city. Although Axl tried to November rain on our parade, no sweet child o' mine can derail the EODM night train. We say live and let die.”

Later, GN'R management asked the band to rejoin the tour, but they refused. In the end The Eagles of Death Metal ended up receiving full pay for the whole tour despite only playing one show. Not t0o shabby! Hughs mentioned that after the story broke he received a text message from Dave Grohl: (see #33) ‘Disappointment from Axl is like being knighted.’ Well Dave has a point there.

NOTE: Interestingly, yesterday Jesse Hughs praised Chinese Democracy on mtv.com. Sounds like somebody wants another opening slot chance.


#6. Axl vs. Tommy Hilfiger (AKA: "I don't want it to spill")


You remember this one, right? Two years ago at Rosario Dawson's birthday party at The Plumm nightclub in New York, Axl and Tommy Hilfiger got into a disagreement over a drink . Yes, a drink.

See Axl remembers when he was young and broke and a wasted bottle of Nightrain was a sin. So when it looked like Tommy's girlfriend's beverage of choice was dangling dangerously close to the edge of the table, Axl saved the precious alcohol by moving it over. But The Hilfiger got pissed and yelled, "Don't "fucking touch her fucking drink!" and took two swings at him.

Surprisingly, Axl didn't hit back. The Plumm owner Noel Ashman said, "Axl was a gentleman and had the good sense not to retaliate as he would have done some serious damage to Hilfiger." Tommy was escorted out of the club and Axl dedicated the song "You're Crazy" to his "good friend Tommy Hilfiger." Kid Rock, also at the party told Axl the whole incident was "totally Detroit!" because Detroit is known for their mean streets and out of control fashion designers.

Once again, to reenact these events, I give you: Some Guy on YouTube:





THIS HAS BEEN GREAT MOMENTS IN AXL HISTORY.

Happy 2nd Anniversary to Tom and Katie!!!

Hang in there Katie, only seven more years and 364 days to go!

They're real, and they're unspectacular!

Apparently there was recently a rumor that Katy Perry had breast implants. (I didn't hear it either, but then I tend to tune out everything about this annoying bitch.)

Katy set the record straight to The Sun, "They are as real as real can be. One hundred per cent genuine and untouched... well sort of. I would never spend money on fake boobs. Shoes, maybe. A handbag, maybe. But plastic tits - no way!"

So if they were free???

SOURCE

Guy ain't getting a penny!

Madonna has signed on for $10 million to become the "new" face of Louis Vuitton. Madge was recently spotted out with Vuitton designer Marc Jacobs and is a longtime fan of the expensive clothing and accessories.


Another fan of pretentious bags that are worth a lot of money?

Alexander Rodriguez.

SOURCE

Heigl's lovin' it

BREAKING NEWS!!! Katherine Heigl celebrated her 30th birthday last night in Hollywood with a 1920's themed party, but on the way, she stopped at Micky D's for some grub.

According to reports, the Rolls-Royce she was riding in went through a Hollywood drive-through and Katherine was spotted scarfing down a Big MAC in her expensive gown!! Who knew, she always seemed so healthy!

McDonald's later commented to New York Post, "Our food is well-known and well-liked by millions - including talented, world-famous actresses."

No word on who the talented, world-famous actresses are.

Hey, Katherine's old enough to remember this:

Uncoolgate today on Oprah

Ok, ok, I will now move on from my imaginary feud to a real-life one. Jen Aniston recently called Saint Angelina "uncool" in an interview after Ang mentioned how she looks forward to telling her kids that mommy and daddy were fucking around on the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

So here's a clip of Jen explaining the comment (which she does not need to explain!!! Her husband cheated on her and the other woman rubbed it in her face!!! She's allowed to call that "uncool!") to The Oprah:

Even more reason he's the Asshat of the Week

Apparently, being the voice of the generation, does not mean that you are exempt from getting arrested.

Kanye West was leaving a nightclub in the U.K. early this morning when he saw a paparazzo taking his picture. This prompted him to push the camera into the photographer's face while shouting, “Get the fucking camera off him!” Kanye was arrested three hours laster at his hotel. He was then released and has not been charged.

The man, Terry Blackburn, says he has been suffering with a cut face and bruising since the incident. TMZ obtained a photo of his boo-boo.

SOURCE

Are you listening Axl???? Kanye is trying to steal your thunder!! Beating up people with cameras is YOUR gig! Do something!!!

Asshat of the Week

There's delusions of grandeur and then there's Kanye West.

In an interview, Kanye recently spurtled out this mouthful of verbal diarrhea:

"I realize that my place and position in history is that I will go down as the voice of this generation, of this decade, I will be the loudest voice,. It's me settling into that position of just really accepting that it's one thing to say you want to do it and it's another thing to really end up being like Michael Jordan."

Hey Kanye,

Oh sorry,

HEY KANYE!! LIL BOW WOW BEGS TO DIFFER! HE GOT THE MAGIC SNEAKERS, NOT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kanye then went on to call out Timberfuck, claiming Justin's slacking off was his gain ( of being the voice of the generation):

"There were people who had the potential to do it but they went on vacation, so when Justin went on vacation I made albums. And it just came out to be that."

Ok, seriously. Everybody go out to Best Buy next Sunday and buy a copy of Chinese Democracy. Even if you don't like the band, do it for better good. We really need to stop this. Not having the number 1 album, will knock him down a little, you know? And even if you like Kanye, do it for his own good, because any more success and his head will explode.

SOURCE

Great Moments in Axl History #10

Wow, we've hit the top ten already!!!

#10 Axl vs. Vince Neil (listen up Kanye!)

Perhaps the most famous of all of Axl's feuds, was the one with Vince Neil. It all started at (where else?) the MTV Video Awards, when GN'R bandmate Izzy Stradlin hit on Vince's then-wife (I think that was about four wives ago...) Vince took a shot at Izzy. Say it with me: Axl wasn't pleased. He told Vince he was "going to kill him." Soon it became all about Axl and Vince and everybody forgot Izzy had anything to do with it at all (just like with Guns N' Roses!)

The two went back and forth challenging each other. Eddie Van Halen and Sammy Hagar even offered to put up the money to have the fight at Madison Square Garden. But like most of the rest, the fight never happened.






THIS HAS BEEN GREAT MOMENTS IN AXL HISTORY

My dream come true!!!

So guess what? Kanye West has moved up his album release date to November 24th!!! That's right, the day after Chinese Democracy comes out!! Please please please let this turn into a feud!!

As for the reason? Kanye blogged: "I CHANGED MY ALBUM TO NOVEMBER SOMETHING CAUSE I FINISHED THE ALBUM AND I FELT LIKE IT.. I WANT YALL TO HEAR IT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE."

But it looks like Kanye is picking a fight with the wrong person. On his blog today, Kanye posted a photo of Killers' front man Brandon Flowers with the heading "FRESH KID." Hmmm...that's random. Not! See, The Killers' new album has also been pushed up one day to Monday November 24th. (New releases usually come out on Tuesdays.)

No, no, no Kanye!!

Wait, let me rephrase that so you understand:

NO NO NO KANYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BRANDON FLOWERS IS NO MATCH FOR YOU!!! IF YOU WANT 2 SPAR WITH YOUR TRUE THREAT, I SUGGEST YOU GET IN THE RING WITH ONE W. AXL ROSE... OR MAYBE YOU'RE JUST AFRAID 2 BECAUSE YOU KNOW HE'LL KICK YOUR BITCHY LITTLE ASS... LISTEN HERE AXL IS THE TRUE MESSIAH AND KING OF RANTS WHO THROWS TANTRUMS AND SHOWS UP LATE 2 SHOWS, NOT YOUR COPYCAT PUNKASS... LOOK FUCKHEAD , I SEE YOU STANDING THERE... YOU THINK YOU'RE SO COOL? WHY DON'T YOU JUST POST A PHOTO OF AXL WITH THE HEADING "STALE MAN"... I DARE YOU 2!!!!!!!! DO IT KANYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DARE YOU TO RISK INVOKING THE WRATH OF OUR LEADER... DO IT YOU PARASITIC HOMEFUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PUT ON YOUR NICEST PINK POLO SHIRT AND THOSE ASININE GLASSES WITH THE SLOTS AND CHALLENGE MR. ROSE TO A DUEL LIKE YOU DID WITH 50 CENT... AXL'S MORE GANGSTA THAN HIM ANYWAY ... SEE AXL GOT SKILLS.. MAYBE YOU DON'T CONSIDER HIM A THREAT BECAUSE MOST OF YOUR FANS DON'T KNOW WHO HE IS OR THINK HE IS NO LONGER RELEVANT, BUT DON'T COUNT OUT ALL THE OLD ROCK FANS WHO ARE GOING 2 GO OUT 2 BEST BUY 2 BUY THE ALBUM THEY'VE BEEN WAITING 2 HEAR FOR WAY 2 LONG, ABOUT 2 HUNDRED YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BE WARNED SQUID BRAINS....HE'LL KNOCK YOUR ASS DOWN 2 THE PAVEMENT....YOU STILL 2 CHICKEN? THAT'S OK, LUCKY FOR YOU, THAT CHICKEN COOP AXL BUILT FOR BUCKETHEAD IS VACANT, SO YOU CAN GO LIVE IN THERE... CHINESE DEMOCRACY STARTS NOW... SO TAKE THAT ONE TO HEART!!!

Round one! You're welcome Axl.

Come on, Fight!! Fight!! Fight!!

In related news, the new Ludacris album has also been moved up a day to November 24th. Wow, it's like they're all a bunch of women whose cycles synched up!

SOURCE

Flea better make a cameo!

HBO is developing a series based on Anthony Kiedis's childhood. Anthony is involved in the project, called "Scar Tissue" ("Californication" was already taken). There is concern over the content of show because in his autobiography, also called "Scar Tissue," Anthony brags about having sex with underage girls including actress Ione Skye when she was only 15.

An HBO spokesman said, "We did not buy the rights to his book, and we are not dramatizing the book. This project is focused on Anthony's life as an adolescent." The show will apparently focus on Kiedis and his drug-dealing and Sunset Strip hangin' father. So basically, it's "Everybody Hates Chris", but with rock stars and heroin.

SOURCE

"Just go wait on the bench Cynthia"

A "baseball insider" revealed to the NY Post that A-Rod is still in love with ex-wife Cynthia and asked her to "wait for him" to him to get tired of screwing around with Madonna. Seriously.

The source said, "He has always wanted to be a superstar and he is in awe of Madonna, but Cynthia is his true love and best friend. He has been asking her to just let him get through this obsession.''

Aww, what girl wouldn't be swept off her feet after hearing a confession of love like that?

The source also claims that "Madonna is completely insensitive to [Cynthia] and possessive of him.''

Goodbye (for now?) MadTV

It was confirmed yesterday that Mad TV will end it's run after 14 seasons on Fox.

It is rumored that the show may be picked up by another network. Executive producer David Salzman said, "We've had a number of networks inquire as to whether the show was coming off Fox and saying that they'd be interested. We have not started to talk to them yet, but now is the time to begin those conversations. I think we have real prospects, but you never know, especially given the economy."

Whatever happens, we'll always have our memories of Stuart.



SOURCE

Neverland No More

The title to the Neverland Ranch was transferred this past Monday to a company called Sycamore Valley Ranch Company, LLC, which is a joint venture between Michael Jackson and a division of a New York based private equity firm named Colony Capitol (who took over Michael's $24.5 million debt on the property earlier this year.) Colony owns many properties in Las Vegas including the Las Vegas Hilton. This has prompted rumors that Michael has signed on to have his own show in Las Vegas.

The property will no longer be called Neverland. It will now be referred to as Sycamore Valley Ranch in an attempt that people will no longer associate the property with child molestation, but instead with salad dressing.

SOURCE

Paula Abdul Stalker found dead

A former American Idol contestant that was obsessed with Paula Abdul was found dead last night in a car parked near Paula's house. Police say Paula Goodspeed, 30, died of a drug overdose and have ruled the death a suicide. The car's license plate read "ABL LV."

LA police Captain James Miller said "Ms. Goodspeed's mother had gone to [the sheriff's department] to report her daughter missing, and advised them that she might be suicidal. The sheriffs determined that Ms. Goodspeed may be up in the vicinity by Paula Abdul's house. Our officers discovered her vehicle parked on the street, and found her inside. She was unresponsive to officers."

Paula Abdul was not at home when Paula was found. She released the following statement: "I am deeply shocked and saddened at what transpired yesterday. My heart and prayers go out to her family."

Here is Paula's audition from Season 5:

Watch more Dailymotion videos on AOL Video

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Great Moments in Axl History: 12 -11

#12. The 2002 MTV VMA'S (AKA: Round One?)

This one's inevitable, so let's just get it out of the way.

I will say that I actually do consider this a great moment. Moment, as in the first moment and the first moment only.

That day back in 2002, rumors were flying around the music sites all day. There had been similar rumors every year, but the "new" Guns N' Roses were really going to perform on the MTV Video Music Awards this time! Everyone I knew and their mother called me (like I hadn't already heard).

So all us nutswingers watched the show with our thumbs on "record" and sat through all the bullshit in anticipation of the big moment when our leader would once again grace us with his presence.

Then finally, at the end of the show, the adorable Jimmy Fallon, awesomely as excited as the rest of us, introduces the band like it was Christmas morning . Then we hear the opening riffs of "Welcome to the Jungle" and then, there's Axl! And he lets out this huge scream. And CUT! End of moment.

Because everything that happened after that was pretty much a tragedy. But we'll always have that one minute of "GN'R!! AWESOME!!!"



Skip to the end to see Axl talking about Chinese Democracy. Hey, see, he said it would take awhile!


#11. The 1988 MTV VMA's


Let's just follow that one up with this:





THIS HAS BEEN GREAT MOMENTS IN AXL HISTORY

Deep thoughts

Katie - "No, I thought about the whole faking our deaths scheme---too involved."

Suri - "What about those nice people that want to save you mommy? They will help us."

Katie - "No, I thought about that too. I'm sorry but we're just going to have to wait until the contract is up sweetie."

Suri - "Aw shit then! Can I at least have some socks in the meantime?"

Katie - "Suri!! Where did learn a word like that?"

Suri - "Socks? All the kids are wearing them. You should look into it."

Katie- "No, you know what word I'm talking about."

Suri - "Oh SHIT? Zahara. She said 'Don't take no shit from those paparazzi fuckers!' Hey, maybe her mom can adopt us!"

Jayden James is going to be ok

Britney Spears's 2-year old son Jayden James was rushed to a Kentwood hospital at 1:30 p.m. yesterday after suffering what has been described as a "terrible allergic reaction." A source told PEOPLE that the toddler "had hives, was itchy and irritable" and that "they're just not sure" what caused the reaction.

Britney spent the night in the hospital with her son. She was said to be very happy that they didn't put any restraints on her this time.

Britney's people posted the following statement on her website:

"Jayden James Federline was admitted to the Southwest Mississippi Regional Medical Center on Sunday, November 9th. Doctors concluded he had a reaction to something he ingested. He is expected to be discharged tomorrow."

As for that something he ingested, my guess is that Womanizer song. I broke out in hives after that shit too!



SOURCE

Great Moments in Axl History : 15 -13

#15: Evict Axl

WTF? Ok, who remembers this contest on MTV because for some reason, I have no recollection of it and that is troubling me. It's not everyday our leader's aura is up for grabs. (I am very sorry oh Sweet Savior O' Ours, please accept my penance of 15 lashings with a wet bandanna.)

Axl's pretty funny and adorable in this clip.



I wonder if it's too late to enter. I think everybody who reads this should send in an entry today. That means MTV would receive about 6 entries for a sixteen year old contest, but it would still be pretty damn funny!

Now British Knight sneakers I do remember! They weren't as cool as LA Gear though (remember those awesome tricked out laces?!) Anyway, if you are wondering whatever happened to those here's some trivia from Wikipedia:

In the early 1990s the Crips street gang wore the shoes and took the "BK" logo to indicate "Blood Killer," in reference to the rival gang. The rumors are reported to have contributed to the decline in popularity of the brand as schools and universities moved to ban the wearing of the footwear in an attempt to curb gang-related violence

Now we know.


#14- The Snake Dance

All great entertainers have their own signature move. There was Elvis and his hip swinging, Michael Jackson and the moonwalk (and later: the crotchgrab), and Madonna has that thing where she humps everything (I apologize for the extreme close-up in the video I posted the other day of her and Britney and for any nightmares that may have resulted). And Axl has the snake dance. Not that a demonstration is required, but here's the Sweet Child video as it is truly the best recorded display.





No one is sure of the origins of the snake dance. Some historians argue an itch, others, a wedgie. There's even a rumor that Axl ripped off the move from Davy Jones (1:14) :



This guy also claims to be the originator:



But one thing's for sure, he has inspired generations of disciples:



#13: Axl's commercial (before he threatened to kick their bitchy little asses)

Ok, first the Evict Axl thing and now this? I'm loving these rare and bizarre-ass gems I'm finding today. It's like Nov. 23rd early!

So back in the days before the interwebs, if you wanted to learn about stuff, you'd read these things called magazines. I guess there was a lot of competition between the metal mags, because one of them, RIP, actually had a tv advertisement to try to get the fuckin' kids to pay their hard earned money to read about the bands they wanna know about.

And guess who it starred?



How randomly awesome is that? I seriously watched it like ten times! What good little product shillers those guys were! Well, actually Slash didn't realize he was shooting a commercial. He was just on the phone with his dealer and the RIP guy said "Dude read this real quick!" Unfortunately, it took forty-eight takes and two bottles of Jack Daniels before the guy was like, "Ok, that's going to have to do!" and turned off his VHS camcorder. My favorite part is the end where's he goes "Don't be stupid!" Of course, our leader was professional as ever, until the end when he gets pissed at Slash because Slash forgot to order his chow mein.

And yeah, they did say "an advice column by Lita Ford's MOM!"


THIS HAS BEEN GREAT MOMENTS IN AXL HISTORY

Great Moments in Axl History #16

#16. Axl vs. Warren Beatty

You know how if somebody cheats on you, instead of getting mad at them, it's sometimes easier to take it out on person they are cheating on you with? Especially if the person they are cheating on you with is a parasitic homefuck like Warren Beatty?

The story goes like this: A Victoria's Secret model named The Evil Stephanie Seymour was dating Warren Beatty. Then she dumped him for Axl. Then The Evil Stephanie Seymour (allegedly) hooked up with Warren behind Axl's back while GN'R was on tour. Then Axl found out. Somewhere in there Axl bought a really unfortunate blue and red jacket.

Then this happened:



Warren never responded to Axl's rant and is still married to Annette Benning. The Evil Stephanie Seymour and Axl broke up about a year later after she cheated on him with a bunch of other dudes (allegedly). Then she married some old billionaire guy. We still don't know if "You're So Vain" is about Warren or what Victoria's Secret is. Madonna had two children, got married, started speaking in some weird fake British accent, got divorced, and is now banging A-Rod. No one knows whatever happened to the jacket.


THIS HAS BEEN A GREAT MOMENT IN AXL HISTORY

Oh my God, Will you just admit you're pregnant already?

The end of an era

Now that they are old bags (over 25) and their contracts are apparently up, the Girls Next Door are spreading their legs and flying out of the Playboy Mansion. What? Oh, I'm sorry, wings. Spreading their wings and flying. No, I was right the first time.

It was announced yesterday that Kendra Wilkinson is engaged to Philadelphia Eagles receiver Hank Baskett. The two will marry next June at the Playboy Mansion with Hef giving Kendra away. Awww, how sweet of him to remind Hank of where his new bride has been, if having to listen to this for the rest of his life isn't bad enough!

Hef's ex No. 1 girlfriend, Holly Madison, says she hopes to be a bridesmaid. Holly's been seen out with douchebag and CAMERATRICKS FREAK! Criss Angel recently. Today she revealed to PEOPLE that, "I'm in love with him."


Oh Holly, don't you watch his show? It's all an illusion, he's really a famewhorin' fraud with a speech impedement! And here we all thought she was the smart one of the three.

No word on what Bridget's up to. Does she even know she has to move out yet?

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That was it?

Last night, Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake make special appearances at Madonna's concert at Dodger Stadium. But the three never appeared together as rumored.

Britney, looking...demure... dueted with Madonna on "Human Nature." Justin and Madonna performed "4 Minutes" together. Yawn! What a waste! Those three could have killed on "Deeper and Deeper", "Causing a Commotion" or ohh, wait, "Sidewalk Talk!" (for all the hard-core oldschoolers!) together. Seriously!

Madonna paid tribute to the upcoming release of Chinese Democracy (yes, everything around here is about Axl lately in case you haven't noticed. Deal with it!) by delaying the start of the show by three hours. She claims it was due to lighting and technical difficulties though.

Madonna apologized when the show finally started, "Half my stage is missing, which is why we're in the dark. The absence of light makes it very hard to look into the audience eyes and that's what makes performing such a joy. So come close. And thank you for your understanding."

Here's a clip of Madge and Brit from someone who paid more for their seats than I did for my car:



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Great Moments in Axl History #17

#17: Where's Slash? (AKA - Axl is not amused)

It's pretty common knowledge that Slash has not been in Guns N' Roses for quite some time, however some people are still not aware of that fact.

So once and for all, for all the fuckheads out there that still require clarification, Axl will now correct you on Slash's whereabouts:



It's ok, it's ok. Slash escaped. Be careful though, because he seems to have a habit of climbing up inside people. He always gets out though:



THIS HAS BEEN A GREAT MOMENT IN AXL HISTORY

Good news ladies!!!

Speaking of people that have non-originally covered "Personal Jesus" , Marilyn Manson has split with his ten year old girlfriend, actress Evan Rachel Wood.

Word is she dumped him after a fight the two had when Marilyn tried to throw Evan's unemployed brother Ira, who had been staying in the couple's guest house, out of their Hollywood home.

A source said,"Evan owned the house and didn't want her unemployed sibling living on the street. It was the tipping point."

Another tipping point? HE'S FUCKING CREEPY!

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Hilary Duff tries to be Madonna - Fails

Damn, Miley must be so jealous that Hilary gets to make videos like this to try to shed her Disney image. The original video (above) for her song "Reach Out" had to be censored after being deemed "too risque."

They censored the wrong part! They should have censored the audio as the painful butchering of Depeche Mode is far more offensive than Hilary in bondage.

I forgot half these people even existed!

The new cast of CMT's reality singing competition, Gone Country has been announced:


Disgraced Miss USA Tara Conner:

Monkee Micky Dolenz:

The awesome George Clinton:
Star of the classic Night at the Roxbury, Richard Grieco:

Taylor "Tell It To My Heart" Dayne:

Justin Guarini of From Justin to Kelly fame:

and Shelia E (thought to be the only female drummer of all time):

Should be an interesting season.

I didn't watch any of the other ones but Sebastian Bach won last season's show. Here he is, in his Bret Michaels cowboy hat, with his country hit " Battle With the Bottle" (that would be a good song for Tara Connor!):



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So I had this weird dream the other night about Steve Guttenberg jogging naked....

Great Moments in Axl History #18

#18. Axl vs. his neighbor (AKA: Not right next door to Mr. Rogers)

Annoying neighbors. Who doesn't have them? This one time, I lived in this apartment and had this wacko lady that looked like Steve Urkel who used to knock on my door SEVERAL TIMES a day asking for random stuff: "Can I have a cigarette?" "Can I have a teabag?" "Can I borrow some salt?" "Got any cheese?" (ok, I made the cheese one up. But that would have ruled because she really did look like Urkel) I often thought to myself, If only I had a wine bottle to bash over her head!

In October 1990, Axl and then-wife Erin Everly lived in a condominium in West Hollywood and they had such a dilemma. It was a pretty bad time to be dealing with bitchass neighbors too. Erin had just suffered a miscarriage and their relationship was strained. Late one night, Axl and the neighbor got into an argument in the hall and it got all crazy. The police were called and the neighbor accused him of hitting her over the head with a wine bottle which Axl was arrested for.



Ok, what the fuck kind of slanted-ass report is that? And also, it was SLASH that swore on the awards show, not Axl. God, Kent Shocknek, some reporter you are! Kurt Loder would never make a mistake like that. Can we just get him? I bet Axl would even give him his side of the story.



See, she was a crazy bitch and she was lying! Axl speaks the truth!

In the end the case was dismissed due to lack of evidence. But Axl did get a song out of it.

Since then, Axl has improved his neighboring skills and even saved his new neighbor's house in a fire earlier this year:



THIS HAS BEEN GREAT MOMENTS IN AXL HISTORY