Don't get Mariah's statistics wrong

Mariah Carey hung up on a radio interview yesterday after the DJ misquoted the amount of albums she has sold.

During the interview, Radio One's DJ Reggie Yates said to Mariah, "You've sold over 80 million albums worldwide..."

Mariah then interrupted him and said "Is that the right quote? I don't know. I have to ask someone I don't know if that is accurate." Then, click! She hung up the phone.

Mariah has actually sold 160 million albums.

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So the moral of this story is: Don't mess with a diva's record sales!

Don't believe me? Watch:


At this time, please welcome our guest, Mariah Carey!

"Hello."

Damn Mariah, that's some bod you got going on in that photo!! Exactly how many hours of Photoshop did that take?

"Oh, you are so silly! Isn't my ensemble there so cute?"

Uh, yeah? For a seventeen year-old. So anyway, any plans for a Glitter 2?

"OOH!! That was a good one! Ha!"

Thanks, hey how about going back to TRL and getting you batshit on again?

"You're KILLING me sweetie!! Oh, dear, I don't know what was going on that day!"

You know, Mariah, I've gotta say, people are all wrong about you. You sure have a great sense of humor and don't take yourself too seriously.

Well, I guess after selling 80 million albums, you kind of have to huh?

{CLICK}

Mariah? You there?

Aw Christ, this again?

Hey thirty-something soccermoms - Set your DVR's!! All five original members of the New Kids on the Block will appear together on the April 4th edition of the Today Show!!!

Whoo-hooo! It's 1989 all over again!!!

Except it's not. It's 2008 and these "kids" are nearly in their 40's! Not cute.

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Annual Self-Indulgent Wrestlemania Comments

So Angelina and Brad may or may not have gotten married this weekend. WHO GIVES A CRAP? Yesterday was WRESTLEMANIA!!!



I have to say this was probably the best one in a long time. Most of the matches were great, the highlight of the night being the emotional Ric Flair and Shawn Michaels match (shut up, so what if I cried when HBK said "I'm sorry, I love you.") I was really surprised to see Orton keep the WWE title. All in all a really good night. Highlights are above for anyone that cares.

Of course, there were a couple of exceptions:



Ok, WHAT THE FUCK DID THEY NEED THIS BITCH FOR? She came out and announced the attendance. Yup, that's all she did. Oh, and Mr. Kennedy yelled in her face--that was pretty cool. Too bad the Boogeyman (is he even still in the WWE?)didn't feed her any worms since the she's bitching to PEOPLE about not being able to eat healthy. That's So Raven was there too, but I'm not going to pick on her because she was making sick children's dreams come true or some shit like that.




The Bunnymania match. The only good part was when the lights went out (7:22). I think God was trying to tell the WWE something. And what the hell was the reason for that kiss between Snoop Dog and Maria?



Here's the much hyped Floyd Mayweather vs. Big Show match. I wonder if ESPN realizes rasslin's fake?

And yes, Undertaker beat my boyfriend for the Heavyweight Title. We all knew it was gonna happen. Hell of a match though.


Unfortunately, the WWE is never far from scandal and during the grand finale fireworks display, there was a malfunction and over 40 fans were injured when fireworks and cables landed on the crowd. Fortunately though while many were burned, no one was seriously injured.

On the malfunction, Gene Snitsky has released a statement exclusively to Asshat Hollywood: "It wasn't my fault."

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Stuff we really, really didn't need to know

Britney Spears has reportedly been receiving regular colonic sessions at a Beverly Hills clinic!! Fun!!

The Daily Mirror got the poop, oops, I mean scoop. A source said, "Cleansing a few times a week gets rid of lingering stuff in the colon. Britney's had the treatment before and says it makes her feel great, more upbeat and energetic." And not toxic!!!

Aren't you glad you know that now? How's your lunch by the way?

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GRAMMAR LESSON OF THE DAY

Incorrect use of an apostrophe:

CORRECT:

For further reading: http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_apost.html

Good start Paris!

Now get another one and cover the other half!

Mama's Fallen Angel

ARRESTED FOR RAPE!

Poison drummer Rikki Rockett was arrested after he got off his flight from New Zealand to LAX on Monday. He had a warrant (no hairband pun intended) out for his arrest. For RAPE!

LAPD booked Rikki on a felony fugitive sexual assault warrant out of Neshoba County, Mississippi. No further information about the warrant and specific charges has been made public.

My first instinct on this was: vengeful groupie. But then I don't know much about Rikki other than he's an animal rights activist and a vegan, he once used permanent marker when he ran out of eyeliner (thanks Behind the Music!), and that his drum solos are a really good time to go to the bathroom or get another beer.

I did some further research on Metal Sludge's Penis Chart and this is what they had to say about him:

Rikki has a huge "rocket"! About 9 + inches! He's a gentleman. He opens doors, asks if it is o.k. to smoke or use your bathroom, and will go out to eat with you. He'll even give you his real telephone number! Very creative guy and I've never heard of him getting a bad report! Just like Bret, he doesn't like "his girls" to be with other guys while it's ok for him to be with other girls.

I think I'm going to go with my first instinct on this one until more details are released. Not that the Penis Chart is the word of God, but it's pretty close.

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More Scandal With the Stars!

Geez, Dancing with the Stars is more of a soap opera than most soaps. And the WWE! (Sorry, it's on the brain, I'm so just psyched for Wrestlemania this Sunday!)

So first were the Cheryl/Drew blowjob rumors, now Page Six is reporting that Karina Smirnoff was seen kissing Mario at an Oscar viewing party back in February. And by Mario, they don't mean A.C. Slater, they mean the R&B singer Mario that is Karina's partner on the show this season.

Karina's denying it though, joking to Mario (when asked by PEOPLE after Monday's show),“I told you to keep it on the DL, dude. Did you keep that window open? By the end of the show, I will be pregnant with Mario’s baby!”

Then Mario said, “I love this woman! I love her personality! I’ve grown to love the person that she is, and you should feel that way about your partner!” To which Karina responded: “Is that all it is?”

A source confirmed that Karina and Mario Lopez are still together saying, “They’re totally boyfriend and girlfriend. They went out to Eva Longoria’s restaurant [Beso] opening together.” Oh, well that proves it then! Totally!

Please, like Mario (Lopez--God, this is confusing) hasn't cheated on Karina. Didn't the dude cheat on his fiance the night before their wedding? Karina should hook up with (R&B) Mario and give him a taste of his own medicine.

All this scandal!! See, this is why the Lambada was forbidden!!

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Wanna boost your ratings? Hire Britney!

So How I Met Your Mother had its highest ratings ever this week thanks to Britney's guest appearance and now, just like Brit says, everyone wants a piece of her!

Tina Fey is reportedly interested to get Brit to appear on her show, 30 ROCK. Tina said "We would love to work with Britney. I've worked with her twice on Saturday Night Live and she was very professional and nice. "

Too bad The Return of Jezebel James didn't get the memo. That show already got canceled!

Second thought, nah, even Britney couldn't save that one.

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Another pregnancy

Laila Ali is pregnant!

Laila confirmed the news that she and husband, former NFL star Curtis Conway, are expecting their first child together to Essence magazine.

"I don't know yet if we are having a boy or a girl, but I'm excited that I have a life inside me that my husband and I created," she said.

The couple were married last July.

I like her and I'm happy for them, but why do celebs always say dumbass things like "I'm excited that I have a life inside me" when they make a pregnancy announcement? Like when Matthew Mcconaughey told the world how his girlfriend had a baby growing in her womb. We get it. Everyone over the age of eight knows that babies are made by the mommy and the daddy and the baby grows in the mommy's belly. Thank you celebrities.

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ASSHAT OF THE WEEK

Sometimes you tell the day by the bottle that you drink and (recently out of rehab) Richie Sambora was having a Jack Daniels kind of day yesterday when he was arrested for DUI in Laguna Beach, California last night.

Richie was pulled over around 11:00 PM last night after police stopped him for driving erratically and taken in after failing numerous field sobriety tests.

Ok, drunk driving is bad enough right?

But what about drunk driving with your child in the car? Well, that makes you Asshat of the Week.

Yup, TMZ just reported that Ava, Richie's 10 year old daughter with Heather Locklear, was in the car with Richie when he was pulled over. Piece of shit.

Richie was released this morning around 4:00AM.


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80's Night, part deux (songs from the year they were born)

MOST AWESOME PERFORMANCE:


Yup, I gotta hand it to that evil genius. I don't think this was the best performance, but she deserves to be most awesome because that was some straight up Becky Ann Leeman in Drop Dead Gorgeous shit right there. What a little, stinkin' calculating conniver! And you watch, it worked and she'll stay another week for it!

MOST AWESOMELY BAD PERFORMANCE:


Ok, not awesomely bad, just bad. Carrie Underwood did it much better and with way cooler hair.

THE DIARRHEA DEFENSE:


Carly: "I went to the bathroom before and I ran." Ryan: "Did you flush?" I love Ryan sometimes, because we were all wondering if she left a gigantic turd in there. Well, maybe not everyone, but I'm sure this guy was. Oh and of course she went to the bathroom, pregnant women have to pee like every three minutes!

SO WHAT IF IT WASN'T ORIGINAL, DO WE NEED ANOTHER BEATBOX RENDITION OF YOU GIVE LOVE A BAD NAME?


Yes, he was one fucked-up looking kid. Yes, it was another cover of someone else's cover (Chris Cornell). No, it wasn't that risky. Yes, for him "risky" would have been doing the original version complete with a moonwalk. Yes, I want to shoot those people in the front row who sway their arms during every song.

BUT - he still killed it and he rules.

And yes, I still want to have his bigass-headed babies.


WELL, SHE LOOKED REAL PRETTY:


I was hoping this would have been better. Oh well. BTW -Is she married to Ethan from Survivor?

AM I WATCHING A FUCKING TELETHON....AGAIN?


I find it really hard to believe that this kid is 17. I bet he's really 13 and his father lied about his real age and killed people to get him on this show.

Too bad he can't be honest about his age, because if he was born in 1995, he could have sung Alanis Morissette's "Perfect", which is, well perfect, for him! Isn't that ironic?

A LITTLE BIG FOR HIM, BUT GOOD JOB.


It's hard to take on Freddie Mercury, but Michael Johns performed the Queen Megamix and did pretty well. Plus, he was the only contestant that didn't make me feel like a senior citizen for being born before 1980. Plus he's hot.

MOST AWESOME MOMENT:



5:05: "Yeah? Hey, got any Fritos? I got the munchies big time man."

ANOTHER FREAKING SONG ABOUT AN AFFAIR?


Seriously. Her fiance better put a keylogger on her laptop, that's all I'm sayin'.


GOING HOME:


Too bad, I would have loved to see him on Big Band night. He would have rocked "It's So Unusual" with Carlton Banks choreography.

Bored at work?

This is Mucca Chucka, the newest game sweeping the nation! In it, your mission is to help the beautiful and classy Heather Mills get more money from her divorce settlement by throwing water on Paul and his lawyer. Just watch out for the judge, you don't wanna hit him!!

In case you missed it (yeah right, everybody watched it)

Here's an abridged version of last night's much-hyped How I Met Your Mother episode starring Britney. She wasn't horrible, but it was a little robotic. Watch closely, you can almost see the person standing off camera giving Brit her lines. She probably got rewarded a Cheeto after each successful take.

Oh wait, are we supposed to be rooting for her again? It's hard to keep track. GREAT JOB BRITNEY!! YOU LOOKED REALLY CUTE!!

NO MORE!!! No, really, NO MORE!

There is a bright light in the darkness of the rumors of one of my favorite bands breaking up: Heid Montag's got a new single!! It's called "No More" and available to stream here on People.com .

Not as craptastic as "Higher," but then that's to be expected. I mean, that would be like trying to top "Stairway to Heaven." The song does have a wonderful mix of deep lyrics, the "pop" preset rhythm on a Casio keyboard, and that robot thing that Cher is to blame for.

I can't wait for the video!!

Hey Scott, you're no Axl

Well, it was inevitable, and I'm actually surprised they lasted five years and two albums. It looks like my beloved Velvet Revolver are falling to pieces (sorry). Forgive the long post, but y'all know, ok?

So at a recent tour stop in Glawgow, Scotland, Scott Weiland told fans onstage, "You're watching something special... the last tour by Velvet Revolver."

The day after the incident, drummer Matt Sorum posted a message to fans on his blog:

"So last night was interesting. Had a little band turmoil on stage, as you probably all could tell.

Being in a band is a lot like being in a relationship. Sometimes you just don't get along. I guess there has been more turmoil lately, I guess, with the cancellations and all. It has been frustrating, I am not going to lie.

My career and life in rock 'n' roll has come with its ups and downs. Unfortunately, some people in this business don't realize how great of a life they have. Touring the world, meeting great people and fans all over the world. And just playing music for a living. I feel truly blessed. But sometimes the road can be draining for some. Being away from home and family does grind on you sometimes. With all the traveling and different beds. Personally, I love this shit and sometimes can’t believe I am so lucky to still be doing what I do for a living.

Everybody could see who was unhappy last night, but all I can say is let's keep the rock alive, people!!!! In this life, you just pick up and keep moving. And don't ever let anybody stand in your way."

Scott then responded by releasing the following crazyass statement/personal attack on Matt to Blabbermouth.net:

"Well, first of all, the state of my family affairs is really none of his business, since he is too immature to have a real relationship, let alone children. So don't attempt to stand in a man's shoes when you haven't walked his path. Secondly, 'keeping rock 'n' roll alive?' I've made many attempts to remain cordial with the members of VR, but mainly, the likes of you. Funny though — this is your FIRST band, as opposed to being a hired gun. I've been making records (now on my ninth), which have sold over 35 million copies worldwide and have maintained a level of professionalism regardless of how many drugs I've ingested into my system. I have only cancelled one tour during the entire course of my 16-year run and that was the 'make-up' Australia tour. Now, shall I open that can of worms, Matthew? Release the Kraken? Serve... Volley! You canceled the Aussie tour in the fall because you went to rehab, but I won't say why… we'll just let Blabbermouth find out for themselves.

As for our fans — I will sweat, bruise, and bleed for you. And will continue to do so until the end of this tour. However, you deserve to hear VELVET REVOLVER playing… not certain individuals singing along to get a muddied up sound. God forbid — could one imagine if I grabbed a guitar and started soloing along with Slash? That would never happen because I know my place. It's a shame… we were a gang. But ego and jealousy can get the better of anyone. I wish the best and plan to annihilate the stage in the last few shows.

On a separate note, we did an STP [STONE TEMPLE PILOTS] photo shoot before this tour and it was fun, inspiring and it gave me that thrill — that feeling that got my rocks off from the get-go."

Well Scott is a man of his word, he does bruise and bleed alright. Speaking of, he just recently got out of rehab, again. Anyway, it kinda looks he's been festering some ill-will since Matt's statement seemed to be an apology to fans making excuses for Scott (as ex Guns N' Roses members are PRO's at), while Scott's was more of an attack. I have to wonder who he's talking about with the "certain individuals singing along" comment, because if he's including my boy Duff in that statement, I'm gonna half to open a can of asswhip on his scrawny butt. For real, no one fucks with Duff. And he's lucky he didn't say anything about Slash. Even he knows better.

Seems Scott's looking for an easy out since the long-awaited Stone Temple Pilots reunion is coming up and his head is a little more inflated than usual about it. Trust me, if it weren't and if VR's last album did better, he wouldn't be throwing this little temper tantrum right now.

So then yesterday, Slash commented on the whole mess to BBC Radio 1's Newsbeat. He said "Well, let's put it this way — this is not VELVET REVOLVER's last tour." He even said they are at work on their next album. Uh, ok.

So a new singer perhaps? I hear Pete Doherty, Amy Winehouse, and Danny Noriega are available.

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The Dating Pool is polluted again!

Johnny Knoxville and his wife of eleven years, Melanie Lynn, are officially over. The couple have a daughter together (both asked for joint custody) and have yet to settle division of assets. (Word is, he's hoping to get the rocket-powered shopping cart and the shockwave nippleclamps) They cited the old stand-by: "irreconcilable differences. Boring. And everyone knows that translates into Johnny (real name Philip John CLAPP--for real!) whoring around with numerous hos including Jessica Simpson--allegedly.

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FRAUD!!! That's the reason Pam and Rick's marriage was annulled today. Originally, Pam filed for a divorce, but later changed to an annulment, citing fraud.

TMZ reports the reason for the fraud claim is that Pam promised Rick that they would have children together. They mantain that Pam was pregnant at the time they separated, but soon after, for whatever reason, the pregnancy ended. Then the both Pam and Rick filed annulment papers. (click the picture above to view the court documents)

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NO MR. BELDING!!!

NOT COOL!!

TMZ has pictures of Mr. Belding skanking it up in Vegas and it's really bothering me!

Ok, not really. I really only put up these pictures so I could post this:

J-Lo to compete in triathlon/conceived naturally

Jennifer Lopez is already working on getting back into shape after giving birth to twins - She's hired a trainer and is even planning to compete in a triathlon in six months!

She told People magazine she is planning to enter "probably in October, September/October... I want my babies to be proud of me."

Um, J-Lo, they'll be six months old! They'll be throwing their poop!

J-Lo also has dismissed claims that she and Marc used in-vitro fertilization: "It was natural. We didn't do in vitro, which I know was reported. Everybody assumed that because we had twins. I wanted to have a baby, but I've always said exactly what I said all those years they (reporters) asked us since we've been married: 'Well, when are you guys gonna have some kids?' 'When it happens naturally, I guess!'

Uh-huh..

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Is she serious?

Ok, when PEOPLE starts getting snarky ("Does the goodwill ever cease?") , maybe you oughtta consider checking yourself.

This is a photo of Paris in Africa (no not because she promised Larry King she'd help people, but because she's tagging along on tour with Benji & Good Charlotte) signing pictures of herself. Did she bring those with her? Those kids are like "who is this bitch?" The sad part is, she thinks that she's helping them.

I guess she kind of is. I mean whenever those kids get hungry, they can look at the picture and it will hold off the hunger pangs for a couple hours. You know, like hoodia.

Imagine no possessions

Ok, I promise I'll stop with the Beatles/Lennon stuff! But it really fits here.

Jamie Lee Curtis appears topless on the cover of the May/June issue of AARP magazine to show women that there just may be something to that whole aging gracefully thing. Who would've thunk?

In her interview she talks about her health and diet tips (giving up crackers, bread and granola), and about what beauty is (being confident in herself.)

Then Jamie talks about how she gave away nearly all of her jewelry and shoes to "lighten her load." She said "I've had the experience of going into people's homes after they've died, and I'm amazed at the number of things people amass and never look at again. And I'm just not that person."

She then added, "I'm like the Terminator, that's what I am. I should have a TV show where I go into people's houses and terminate their possessions."

Hey Jamie, why don't you start with Kim Kardashian?

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Better than Kristy Lee Cook

I was upset that no one sang "Hey Jude" this week on Idol, but then a friend found the above video and it's way better than any of those contestants could have done it (yeah, even David Cook!) I guarantee this will be the cutest thing you'll see all day!

More Britney on How I Met Your Mother

Two more clips of Britney's upcoming guest spot were released today. Enjoy!

Clip #1:


Clip #2:



So from what I can gather from the three leaked scenes is that she's playing a dim-witted slut.

Her talent knows no bounds!

Poor Kim!!

Just a small town girl, living in a lonely world. Her whole life she dreamed of owning a Bentley of her very own. That's all she wanted, is that so much to ask?

Well this girl never stopped believing and one day he dreams came true!! She made a sex tape and became famous and was able to get that Bentley!

Unfortunately, this story doesn't have a happy ending. The girl only got to drive the Bentley for one week and then BAM!! An evil man on a motorcycle slammed into it! Now she has to wait TWO MONTHS for it to be fixed!!!

Sadly, the horrific story above is true. And the poor big-assed girl is none other than America's treasure, Kim Kardashian.

Kim is keeping her adoring fans updated on the touch and go status of her car on her website. And great news everyone! You can leave get well wishes for her Bentley!

Since my recent car drama has been in the news, I figure I should give you the updates...

I only got to drive my new Bentley for one week when a motorcycle ran into it! It was a hit and run. :(

I've had the car for six whole months, but it had been in shop most of that time getting tricked out at Luxury Ride Motors -- where I bought it. Now my Bentley is at Platinum MotorSport on Sunset Blvd. getting repaired! They say it may take about two months.

I've been waiting my whole life for a Bentley and now this!!! I just have to laugh -- what else am I going to do!?

Wish my car a speedy recovery in the comments and also let me know how you have dealt with car drama!

To further talk about this tragedy, we are pleased to welcome to Asshat Hollywood: KIM KARDASHIAN!!!


Uh, Kim, you think you can turn around?




Seriously, are you ever going to turn around? I know it's hard to believe, but I'm tired of looking at your ass.

"But I did turn around."

Oh, so you did. My mistake. So tell me, how are you coping with this nightmare?

"I'm just so very sad, my Bentley is everything to me."

I know how painful this must be for you and your courage is inspiring. You must also be angry, I mean, the nerve of that motorcyclist taking off like that huh?! I'd be rippin'!

"I know!! He didn't even ask my Bentley if she was ok. That damn ambulance just picked him up and sped off! That fucker!!"

Ummm, hang on a second Kim. You said it was a hit and run. Is the guy ok?

"Who cares about him? MY BENTLEY!!!!!!!!WAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!"

Stay strong Kim, remember what you said: Laugh. That's all you can do in stressful times like this. Hey speaking of stressful times, what do you think of all the talk regarding fears of a recession in this country?

" MY BENTLEY!!!!!!!!WAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!"

I understand your feelings on that. After all, if everyone made a sex tape and starred in their own inane reality show, we wouldn't be in the current economic upheaval we are now. That was actually pretty profoundly insightful, Kim. But surely, you must have an opinion on the upcoming Presidential election?

" MY BENTLEY!!!!!!!!WAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!"

The war in Iraq?

" MY BENTLEY!!!!!!!!WAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!"

The AIDS crisis and poverty in Africa? Comeon, even American Idol cares about that one!

" MY BENTLEY!!!!!!!!WAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!"

Ok, well, thanks for stopping by Kim. I'm sure your Bentley is in everyone's thoughts and prayers.

Here's Max and Emme!

People got the first pictures of Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony's twins, for the bargain price of $6 million dollars!

WTF???

I knew she should have done Helter Skelter! Token female rocker, Amanda Overmeyer was eliminated from American Idol last night. Which means Kristy Lee Cook lives another day to blow us. Out of our socks.

In a surprising twist, Carly Smithson was in the bottom three, although the conspiracy theorist in me says that was a ploy by the powers that be to get more people to vote for her.

So anyway, goodbye Amanda!! If I'm ever in Lafayette, I'll come check you out whatever bar you're playing in.

BTW- Has anyone seen Amanda and DJ Tanner in the same room? Just wondering.

Jennifer Love Hewitt Amazing Red Wallpapers

Jennifer Love Hewitt Amazing Face Wallpapers
Jennifer Love Hewitt Hot Red Wallpapers
Jennifer Love Hewitt Amazing and Sexy Wallpapers

Scandal With the Stars!!

Ut oh! Star is reporting that Cheryl Burke saved a horse and rode Drew Lachey during the last national Dancing With the Stars tour. In case you didn't know, Drew is married with a 2-year old daughter..

An insider told Star, "They didn't go very far to cover it up. Cheryl was constantly draped all over Drew. They held hands, had their legs intertwined and were always touching inappropriately."

And Cheryl's now ex-boyfriend Matthew Lawrence (Boy Meets World and also Joey's brother) caught Cheryl blowing Drew out of his socks!

Sources say Matthew found the two when he went to retrieve something from her dressing room on a tour stop in Jacksonville, Florida on January 22. He ran out screaming and yelling.

The next day as the buses were getting ready to leave, insiders say that Drew started yelling at Matthew and Joey in the parking lot. "If you talk about this, I'll bury you Matt. I'll bury you Joey. I'm serious I will hurt you!"

Drew and Cheryl's lawyers are both denying the affair (which is pretty much confirming it--I mean, lawyers?) Matthew told Star, "There are too many things going on. I can't talk about it."

I wonder how Drew is going to bury Matt. I wonder how Drew is going to bury Joey. Maybe it will be a dance-off?

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Deja Vu (hey Jason, that's French!)

MOST AWESOME PERFORMANCE:


Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark Ballas were amazing!! And it's only the first week!! Yeah, I know she has a bit of an advantage being a figure skater, but like she said - it is different. Beautiful foxtrot!!

Huh? Oh, Idol? Most awesome performance last night? Can I say Simon when he said it was a really bad idea to do a second Beatles week because last week was so great? Seriously, close the Lennon/McCartney songbook!! Poor Paul, first he's gotta give Pegleg $30 mil and now this? It was painful. And dreadful. And everyone was disappointing. Except for Ryan, who wasn't as douchy as usual. I guess having a new beard is good for him.

MOST AWESOMELY BAD PERFORMANCE:


So sorry Brooke, but even you know it sucked. Maybe it would have been better if there were a couple more literal sunshine references, like a box of Raisin Bran or if she put on a pair of shades, Caruso-style, after the "Wooo!"
Yeah, and then some animated birds can come flying in! Yellow ones, of course.

MOST AWESOME MOMENT OF LAST NIGHT'S SHOW:


Skip the boring performance and go straight to 4:40. No need to even make a joke! The best part is about two seconds later when Kristy realizes how what she just said unintentionally came out and is simultaneously embarrassed and hysterical. Even Seacrest can't hold it together. And Simon's all "Ok, see you after the show."

STILL DON'T GET IT:


Stay with me here. Imagine if they made a musical out of Dazed and Confused. And they had a scene in French class. This would be Slater's number. And then after the song he'd be like "Screw France, America's the shit, man. George Washington was in a cult, and the cult was into aliens, man. And behind every good man there is a woman, and that woman was Martha Washington, man, and everyday George would come home, she would have a big fat bowl waiting for him, man, when he come in the door, man, she was a hip, hip, hip lady, man."


STILL HITTIN' THE PIPE:


Simon says "smug", I say probably a combination of confidence and his face just being like that (Sorta like the 'stinkeye' from Juno, but in this case, it would be the 'fuckeye') but even if he was, so what? You need a touch of cockiness to be an authentic [/Paula] rocker. And without it, you know what you get? Melinda "Aw shucks" Doolittle, that's what. Nuff said about that. Anyway good performance, a little predictable yeah, until Frampton Came Alive!

Oh, and SECOND MOST (UNINTENTIONALLY) AWESOME MOMENT comes in at 5:00. Oh dear Seacrest, you needed both of the Olly girls!

AM I WATCHING A FUCKING TELETHON?


Simon sees dollar signs from the Jonas Brothers crowd. David's dad does too.

Eh..


One of the best of the night, but she'll still be in the bottom two.


LIGHTNING DOESN'T STRIKE TWICE:


And it doesn't make it different if you throw in a harmonica.

SHE'S LIKE A BIRD:


Was she seriously trying to compare her failed $2 million dollar record deal to a fucking crippled bird? The close-ups freak me the hell out too. I think she's a vampire. That would explain the fangs and the lack of a soul.


DAYUM!


So I was looking for Ramielle's awful performance, but I stumbled on this and thought it was way more interesting.


PREDICTIONS:
Bottom Three: KKKristy Lee Cook, Syesha, and Amanda or Michael Johns (who I just realized were both so forgettable, that I forgot to post them here. Michael's suffering from Ace Young Syndrome and the hotness isn't going to save him much longer. Amanda may be singing in those bars in Lafayette sooner than she thinks.)

Going home - Syesha (upset)

We have a name!

Halle Berry's daughter's name is.... Nahla Ariela Aubry!

Not terrible, but plain Ariel would have been better, Ariela sounds too much like aerola.

Actually, lose Ariel all together. I love The Little Mermaid and all, but that name reeks of pageant princess. Or stripper. Or, in many cases - both.

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