Oh Britney!

In daily Britney news, TMZ has video of Britney and her cousin Alli getting pulled over (Brit wasn't driving) last night. It was only a minor infraction but since Britney was involved (and most likely called them), it turned into a circus.

Also, today is the day that Brit's album Blackout drops. I know, it's finally here!! Brit even paid tribute to Madonna by pissing off the Catholics with some suggestive promotional photos for the album involving Brit and a "priest."

"You got Cheeto crumbs in my Bible."

Um, Ok, whatever

I guess when you've seen a million faces and rocked them all it makes you kind of jaded.

On his success, Jon Bon Jovi recently told America's Best Life magazine, "I don't give a fuck that I just sold out 10 nights at the arena. It's just what I do. It's just a job - and I get paid well for it. I get to wear a T-shirt and dirty jeans, but I don't really give a fuck about the rest of it, because it's a shallow pool, man."

Hey Jon, garbage collectors get to wear t-shirts and dirty jeans too, would you be happy doing that? No? Then shut the fuck up you ungrateful asshat!

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Good thing there wasn't a hotel phone nearby

"The set is supposedly closed off, but we'd be shooting a key scene and you'd hear, `Hey, it's Denzel. Hey Denzel, over here!' "I'd get, 'Hey Gladiator, not lookin' so good. Lookin' kind of old there.' " Russell Crowe on shooting his new movie, American Gangster, with Denzel Washington in Harlem.

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Another Jolie-Pitt

Rumors are swirling that Angelina is knocked up again. Saint Angelina was scheduled to give a lecture in Italy this week as part of a conference called "The Flight Of The Hummingbird - The Future of Children In The Mind And Society Of The World" but cancelled her appearance at the last minute.

Local newspaper are reporting that she pulled out of the gig after discovering she was expecting.

This part's awesome. A spokeswoman for the Pio Manzu Centre (where that Hummingbird or whatever conference is being held) named Letizia Manjani released the following cryptic statement (pay really close attention), "Angelina cancelled last week. Due to her privacy I can't confirm her pregnancy, but I can say that the Italian newspapers are correct in their reports."

I'm sure Angelina and Brad are very grateful that Letizia respects their privacy so much and didn't spill the beans.

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What the Asshats Are Up To

"Herpes, chlamydia, gonorrhea......

"OH NOOOOOO!!!"

"Hell, it's worth a shot. JESUS SAVE ME FROM THESE PAPARAZZIS THAT I CALLED!"

Coming soon to Lifetime: "The World Is Against Us: 16, pregnant, and living in a trailer.."

Alice in Wonderbraland
(She is SO classy!)

BREAKING NEWS!!!

Victoria Beckham is brunette again!!

I guess she wants to look like "Posh" again.

I wonder if this means Geri Halliwell is going to do that awesome red and yellow combo hair again!

PIC
& PIC

Clean-up Patrol

Last week there was talk that Ellen's whole Iggygate breakdown was really about problems in her relationship with longtime girlfriend Portia DeRossi. The two attempted to put an end to those rumors by stepping out together at the Takashi Murakami Honors at the Museum of Contemporary Arts in Los Angeles last night.

Yeah, I'm not buying it either.



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Puffy wants to be J-Lo's baby bump's Goddiddy

Diddy has spoken out with his opinion that former girlfriend Jennifer Lopez will make a "great mother" even though she still has not confirmed her pregnancy.

Diddy said, "She's going to make a great mother. She is one of the most caring people I've ever met. When I went out with her, I saw that quality. I'm extremely happy for her, and I will be sending some expensive god-daddy presents to her baby." (Don't you have enough kids to take care of dude?)

I bet he sends the kid some toy guns (with bling, of course) to remind Jen of that time they got busted at Club New York. Ah, good times.

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Asshat of the Week

It's only Monday and already I had a hard time deciding if the Asshat of the Week should be the dumbass Red Sox fans: "We won, let's riot and flip some cars!" or famewhore Trista Rehn Sutter. It was a tough call, but Trista won out. Hey, that's the first time Trista won anything, isn't it? Unfortunately Trista, you will have to share the honor with Us Weekly Magazine, so you're still not a total winner.

I'm being kind of mean here though. See, Trista is already going through some hard times. She's got a battle ahead of her. A battle with her post-baby weight, and she is bravely speaking about her struggle in the latest issue of Us Weekly.

Here is a heartbreaking excerpt of the moving interview that every new mother in America, hell any woman, any size 4 heffer, can relate to:

' Three months after the birth of her son, former Bachelor star Trista Sutter, 35, tells Us she’s on a mission to lose the last of the 30 pounds she gained during pregnancy.

“I’m definitely not pleased when I look in the mirror,” admits the 5-foot-2 star, who now wears a size 4 and weighs 116 pounds, but aspires to surpass her prebaby physique and get down to 106 pounds. “When I fit into my size 26 Hudson jeans, then I’ll be happy.”

Sutter shares her post-baby body issues with Us and how husband Ryan, 33, is helping her get down to her goal weight.

How are you feeling about your body?
“My friend said that when I came home from the hospital, I’d be back in my old jeans. Fifteen pounds did fall off immediately, but the fact that it’s been three months and I’m still not in them is a bummer.”

What bothers you the most?
“My belly. It has a layer of fat, which, of course, your body has to put on, but it’s blubbery and I hate it. I want to be able to go bathing suit shopping for a vacation and not feel totally disgusted…I just don’t feel good in a lot of my clothes.”

Does Ryan help?
If I eat something that I shouldn’t, Ryan shakes his finger at me and says, ‘Uh, uh, uh!’ He’s been awesome, 100 percent supportive. He watches Max when I go to the gym and is constantly saying that I look great. But when you don’t feel good about yourself, you don’t feel like you want to be intimate. I want to feel, and look, sexy again for him. Even though he is being nice and saying he’s still attracted to me, I want to feel like he’s telling me the truth and not just saying it because he’s a good husband.” '

I know, 116 pounds!!! I wouldn't leave the house!!! Poor, poor Trista! It's a good thing she has such a wonderful, supportive husband who's willing to shake his finger at her when she eats a no-no food! Good luck Trista, you can lose that blubber and be back to your former sexpot self in no time! I believe in you! As a matter of fact, don't stop at 106 lbs, try for 96, or 86, or 76. Hell, go for 6!!!

And kudos to Us Weekly for publishing such an inspirational piece about this gifted, talented, and lovely young heroine. I'm sure this kind of story will resonate with the vast majority of women in America who will all surely stand up and applaud Trista's courage.

By the way, did she say anything about the BABY?

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Batshit Out Of Hell

Meatloaf is saying "Stop right there!" (get it?) to photographers. He has allegedly banned them from his upcoming U.K. tour because he is self-conscious about his weight, which is reportedly 308 pounds.

His publicist is saying he did it because he doesn't want reviews not because of the weight issue and issued the following statement: "Meat doesn't want reviews so he's not issuing any photo passes."

Meatloaf is a weird one. Remember when he said he blacked out during his duet with Katherine McPhee on last year's American Idol finale? (Not that I blame him, I'd want to forget that nightmare too. And the performance.)

If that is the case, um hello? Mr. Loaf? Mr. MEATLOAF? Isn't the fat thing like the whole point of your name? The fuck? And you know there's these things called cameraphones right?

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In breaking Britney news...

TMZ has video of Britney Spears is getting into the spirit of Halloween, or rather, Mischief Night, by playing a prank of the paparazzi while sitting in her festively decorated car at a Los Angeles gas station.

It was like this:

Britney: "Come here paparazzi, no closer, clo-ser y'all, put your face by the windershield..."

SPPPRRRAAAYYYYY SPPPPLLLAASSSSHHHHH!! (that's window washer fluid)

(Car speeding off)

That Britney, what a prankster! She probably used her entire time time in court last Friday to think up that one!

PUH- LEASE

Timberfuck totally stuffs. That's like Spinal Tap type shit there.

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E! will give any asshat a reality show

Tivo alert!! Filming for the latest unnecessary "celebrity" reality show starring Dina Lohan and family will begin next Tuesday in New York City.

Dina, who is also the executive producer, explained the future trainwreck in an interview with People Magazine, "It's about what I do, how you can be successful, and be a single mom and fulfilling your kids' dreams. It won't just be following my family around like other shows. It'll show me cultivating careers, going to soccer practice. Ali going to school and in the studio. It'll encompass everything. Lindsay is a family member and will lend a helping hand if Ali asks her, when she's in the recording studio. We just want it to be real."

Hey Dina, isn't it more like your children fulfilling your dreams? I thought E! already did a show about pageant mothers.

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No Britney deposition video

To TMZ's dismay, Britney Spears's lawyer has successfully stopped the videotaping of her deposition today in the progress-report hearing in the custody battle with K-Fed. L.A. Superior Court Commissioner Scott Gordon made the ruling this morning after Brit's lawyer, Thomas Dunlap argued that a leak of the video to the media would cause "undue embarrassment" for the Britney.

He has a point, Britney creates so much embarrassment on her own that any additional embarrassment from any other source would be undue.

I'm hoping someone has a cameraphone.

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No Hotel Rwanda Hilton

" Fuck this, we're outta here!"

Paris Hilton's much hyped philanthropic visit to Rwanda has been postponed by the Playing for Good Foundation.

The organization released the following statement:
"Due to the restructuring of the Playing for Good Foundation, the philanthropic trip to Rwanda that the foundation had previously planned with Paris Hilton has been postponed. Paris has been a loyal and gracious supporter of Playing For Good but the foundation has to regrettably reschedule this trip. Playing for Good would like to thank Ms. Hilton for her generosity and her continued support of this initiative and is looking forward to rescheduling the trip with her at a later time."

Word is the people Rwanda have protested her visit. Ok, they didn't but they've certainly been through enough suffering, wouldn't you agree?

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Maxim is So Classy

Maxim magazine has released probably the meanest list in the history of lists: "The Least Sexiest Women Alive".

Sarah Jessica Parker managed to beat Amy Winehouse and Britney among others for the top "honor." The list was put together from results of a survey of Maxim's readers so those men can feel better about themselves while taking a break from jacking off to photos of half naked women they'd never have a chance with. Seriously, the whole thing is just plain mean. It brings back awful memories of junior high.

Anyway, here's the top five (Britney was so robbed!):

#1. Sarah Jessica Parker

#2. Amy Winehouse

#3. Sandra Oh

#4. Madonna

#5. Britney

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ASSHAT OF THE WEEK!

“I’m rooting for the Red Sox in the World Series,” former New York mayor and current Presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani said after a breakfast fund-raiser at Umbria Ristorante in Boston.

Are you fucking kidding me?

His copout (lots of those today huh?) was that he always roots for the American League team.

Ok, if Cleveland made it, I could buy that, but the Red Sox? The New York Yankees arch rival? YOU JUST DON'T DO THAT.

And I'd feel the same way if it were reversed. If you are fan of one of those teams, you don't switch. YOU JUST DON'T DO THAT. Even John Kerry wouldn't do that and he flip-flopped on everything!

Does he honestly think he's going to gain any votes that way? All it shows is that he's a typical politician and will say anything he needs to say to get a vote.

I was never planning to vote for him, but still.

YOU JUST DON'T DO THAT.

Asshat!


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Hey Ladies, look who's single!

Oh happy day!! Pete Doherty has reportedly split from fiancee Irina Lazareanu. Apparently, Pete felt "smothered" and was high out of his mind when he proposed.

A source told The Sun, "He got engaged in a moment of madness when he was off his head before he checked into rehab. Pete's been questioning his sanity ever since. He liked Irina but admits the only reason he got together with her was on the rebound from Kate."

The source added that Iraina was a bit of a Yoko, "Irina turned up in Somerset at the weekend on the set of the video for Babyshambles' new single You Talk. She was always telling Pete what to do and where to go, and in the end he had to tell her it was over. Everyone's happy she's gone - it wasn't doing anything for band relations."

Line starts behind me girls!

The amphetamines are totally safe and had nothing to do with it!

Marie Osmond has blamed her fainting spell on Dancing With the Stars (in case you've been living under a rock and haven't seen one of the 76,000 replays, here you go) on the California wildfires.

Marie said, "Right at the beginning…I started getting light-headed. And the only thing I could think of (is) I have allergies, there's almost half a million people being evacuated, the air quality is terrible - and I just couldn't get my breath."

Earlier Marie said it was just something that happens to her every now and then. Then she blamed her drummer for playing the wrong tape. Then acid reflux. But of course, it has to be the wildfires!

Looks like Marie got the sympathy vote as she was declared safe on last night's results show. Samantha Harris got the least number of votes and was sent home.

What? Oh, Mark Cuban? Aw shit!

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Brit and K-Fed learnin' parentin'

A source told PEOPLE that Britney Spears and Kevin Federline attended their first court-ordered Parenting Without Conflict session at the Beverly Hills Hotel today.

Parents are encouraged but not required to take the course together. There will be six sessions to the course and it will teach communication skills and cooperative parenting.

Only six sessions? Do they realize who is taking the course?

In addition, Britney is required to complete three individual counseling sessions "to address parenting issues."

Still.

Asshat Hollywood has obtained a course outline of the Parenting Without Conflict curriculum:

Session One: "Auto Safety - this does NOT mean letting your infant drive"

Session Two: "Nutrition Part 1 - Red Bull does not give children wings, it gives them cavities"

Session Three: "Nutrition Part 2 - Cheetos do not count as dairy"

Session Four: "When mommy and daddy fight, the only winner is the paparazzi"

Session Five: "How to prepare your children for the ridicule they will face from their peers thanks to having asshats like you for parents"

Session Six: "Auto Safety - this does NOT mean letting your infant drive (just making sure..)"

Copout!

Soprano's creator David Chase has finally broken his silence regarding the ending of the Sopranos finale. In an interview in the upcoming book, The Sopranos: The Complete Book, Chase says that Tony did NOT get killed when the screen went black.

"There are no esoteric clues in there. No Da Vinci Code," he said. Chase went on to say that he as surprised that fans wanted Tony to die. "They had gleefully watched him rob, kill, pillage, lie and cheat. They had cheered him on. And then, all of a sudden, they wanted to see him punished for all that. They wanted 'justice' ... The pathetic thing -- to me -- was how much they wanted HIS blood, after cheering him on for eight years."

Geez, way to take it seriously dude. That's how it works moron! All the bad guys you root for have to get it at the end. Could you imagine what a pussy move it would have been if Tony Montana didn't die at the end of Scarface?

He totally meant for Tony to die. What was with all that "everything just goes black" stuff? I think with all the Sex and the City hoopla, David's thinking movie.

Why do I care? I guess I'm pathetic.

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What the Fuck?

Here's yet another shot from the set of the Sex and the City movie. From what I can gather, this is the scene where Carrie Bradshaw escapes from the mental institution.

Where'd they get the snow in New York City anyway? Is Lindsay Lohan in this movie?

So how is this different from any of her previous albums?

Jim Farber of the New York Daily News is among the first critics to get in some good zingers about Britney Spears' appropriately titled new album, Blackout.

Here are some excerpts of Jim's review:

"She comes off like some machine that bleeps and bloops out an airy array of oohs, ahhs and groans."

"If a blowup sex doll could sing, this is what she'd sound like."

"In terms of studio trickery, Paris Hilton's album was practically Unplugged compared to this."

But Jim is a fan of blow-up dolls: "She may no longer dance with flair, lip-sync on cue, keep her dress down, or even be judged a suitable mom, but Britney Spears can still turn up on some slammin' new songs. Think about this: How wonderful it is that, in the world of slick pop, even if stars can't deliver, the machine behind them still can."

Album of the Year!! You wait.

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The future is doomed

So did you hear the one about Paris Hilton wanting to be chriogenically frozen when she dies?

Unfortunately, it's not a joke. Paris wants to live forever so she has invested a large of money in Cryonics Institute, a suspended animation cemetery. She also wants to have her dogs Tinkerbell and Cinderella preserved with her.

"It's so cool," Paris said. "Almost all the cells in the body are still alive when death is pronounced. And if you're immediately cooled, you can be perfectly preserved. My life could be extended by hundreds and thousands of years."

This is like a bad horror movie.

Paris also reflected on her past party girl ways (in case you haven't heard, she's a philanthropist now), "Before, my life was about having fun, going to parties - it was a fantasy. But when I had time to reflect, I felt empty inside. I want to leave a mark on the world."

Oh Paris, you already have.

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If Hanson had metalhead parents

So the premiere of The Next Great American Band was pretty underwhelming but there were a few high points. One of them was a band called Light Of Doom. They are a group of 12 year old kids that cover Iron Maiden.

That's pretty fucking awesome to me.

Jermaine says Timberfuck is not hot

Jermaine Dupri has written an autobiography (sure to be a best-seller!) titled Young, Rich and Dangerous (this is an autobiography?). In the book Jermaine blasts Timberfuck for not sticking up for girlfriend Janet Jackson during Nipplegate.

He also puts down Justin's looks: "I think Justin Timberlake is a talented performer. But he's very ordinary-looking. He could be any skinny white kid from the suburbs of Orlando. You could go to the mall and find another Justin. He doesn't make his style interesting even when he's onstage. To me, he just doesn't look like a star."

Normally I'm all for a good Timberfuck bashing, but coming from Jermaine Dupri? This isn't even a case of the pot calling the kettle black, it's more like the troll doll doggie chew toy out in the shed taunting the kettle, but the kettle can't hear it because the troll doll is so far away. (Yeah, I have no idea what I'm saying.)

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Britney gets her kids back...for now

Gimmie, gimmie more Halloween candy.

Britney Spear's lawyer has confirmed to TMZ that Britney has regained visitation rights with her children, however would not elaborate on the details. There will be another custody hearing on Friday.

Brawl at the Waffle House

Kid Rock was arrested on charges of misdemeanor battery early Sunday morning after getting into an altercation at a..wait for it......Waffle House in DeKalb County, Georgia.

So Kid was chowing on some healthy grub after a show when a man named Harlem DeJon Akins recognized a woman in sitting with him and started speaking with her. Shortly after Kid intervened,a fight broke out between the two men. Five additional men that were with Rock also got involved in the fight which moved from the restaurant to the parking lot but not before a window was broken (by Akins) and maple syrup had gotten everywhere.

After the fight, Kid and his crew took off in their tour bus. The bus was stopped about a mile from the restaurant and Kid and then five men were taken into custody and charged with battery. He posted a $1000 bond and was released later that day around 5 p.m.

Akins was charged with second-degree criminal damage to property for breaking the window at the Waffle house which was valued at $500. And that there's a felony charge. You don't fuck with the Waffle House!

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The jig is up J-Lo

Just announce the damn pregnancy!

Three's Company

Check out this bizarre little gem of a picture. It's a rear shot of Jessica Biel, Timeberfuck (green shirt), and her (lady) friend at a Packers Football game.

Can you really blame Jess though? She probably liked having a real man handle her shit.

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Oh Britney......

TMZ reports that L.A. County Commissioner Scott Gordon issued an order yesterday suspending all Britney's visitation rights until she complies with all court orders.

This came about after K-Fed's lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan, went to court yesterday for an emergency hearing.

Britney will now have to wait until her next court date of October 26.

What will she do now? Yeah, probably go to Starbucks.

Seriously, will somebody help her??

Suri is a spoiled little alien!

A friend of TomKat (probably not anymore) recently told US magazine that they spoil the shit out of little Suri.

"Suri pretty much does whatever she wants, whenever she wants. If she fusses before bed, they let her stay up later. If they want her to go swimming and she cries, they'll take her out. If she whines about food, they'll ask her what else she wants to eat. They always want to please her."

Well duh, how else to do treat the future leader of the Galactic Marcab Confederation?

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I DEMAND A RECOUNT

The website current.com recently conducted a poll of the sexiest stripteases in movie history. The top spot went to Jamie Lee Curtis in True Lies. Kim Basinger's "trememdous sex appeal" in 91/2 Weeks scored the second spot, and Salma Hayek in From Dusk Till Dawn came in third Runners-up included Elisha Cuthbert in The Girl Next Year, Natalie Portman in Closer, and Demi Moore in Striptease.

HELLO?!!! How can you have a list of the sexiest stripteases in film and leave out the epitome of awesomeness and elegance, Nomi Malone? I mean really!

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When asshats play dress-up

It's not even Halloween yet but some stars are already getting into the spirit.

Ashley Simpson celebrated her 23rd birthday by having an 80's Prom themed party. Here's Ash and her boyfriend Pete Wentz in their craptastic costumes. Ashley got the hair all wrong and Pete looks like Shades from Teen Wolf.

Jessica nailed the 80's pornstar look!! She's even got the facial expression!

Here's Tori Spelling and whathisname filming a scene for that show about their inn that nobody watches. They're doing a 20's murder mystery episode or something. Whatshisname totally did it, he looks scary!



Even Brit got into the spirit of the season...oh wait, scratch that, she's just being Britney.

Fiddy's a method actor

There was some trouble on the set of the new movie Righteous Kill when Curtis Jackson, a.k.a. 50 Cent, attacked co-star Frank John Hughes (I imdb'd him so you don't have to. He's a bit actor who has been on the Sopranos, Law & Order, etc).

The two allegedly got into a "heated argument" after Hughes after he accused Fiddy of not knowing his lines which escalated into a full on beatdown. The paramedics were even called.

According to an on-set source, "Frank tried to correct (50 Cent) and he got really upset... Before it was all over (50 Cent) had Frank on the ground pummeling him. The paramedics looked at Frank and he's OK. It's everyone else here that's still shaken up... No one is trying to get on (50 Cent's) bad side." Wow good idea there Einstein!

Righteous Kill also stars Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro. Those guys were probably all "Fucking Amateurs" and rolling their eyes (and in Pacino's case, slamming his fist on the table).

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Pete and Amy to record (crack) hit song!

In a match made in junkie heaven, Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty have collaborated on a new trackmark--err, I mean track!! Pete's band Babyshambles' guitarist Mik Whitnall has revealed that Amy recorded with the band last week. The name of the rumored song is 1939 Returning.

Pete previously discussed the potential duet in an in an interview that will be aired tonight on XFM. On the trackmarr---TRACK with Amy, he said "I'm going to try and get Miss Winehouse to help me with it hopefully." Amy's husband, Blake Fielder-Civil, was sitting on the interview and corrected Pete by saying "Mrs!"

Oh Blake, back off, can't you see these two were meant to be!

By the way Pete is still claiming to be sober. I know!!


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