Catching Up With the Asshats

I know, I'm slacking again. Ok so wow, lots to catch up on with the asshats so lets get started.

So first off in Do We Care? news, the wedding of Usher and futurebabymama Tameka Foster is off. It was supposed to happen this past Saturday, but only hours before they called it off. No one really knows who called it off. Some say Usher, some say Tameka, some say Usher's mother, some say who gives a shit. They supposedly disagreed on lots of the wedding details. For instance, Tameka wanted to serve barbeque at the reception and Usher wanted a celebrity chef (I'm not kidding, it's on PEOPLE so it must be true) Also, Usher wanted to go shirtless and Tameka didn't like that idea (That's not on PEOPLE, but I'm going with it.) All I know is, good for them! It's refreshing that they realized they were making a mistake before they went through with it and then brought a child into the world. Oh wait. Well anyway, somewhere Chili is laughing and that warms my heart because Chili is awesome. No scrubs!

In more ex-couples news, Britney and K-Fed's divorce has been finalized. That's right ladies, Kevin Federline is a free man!! Goddammit, there are crickets in here! They agreed to a 50-5o custody split of their two sons. So 50 percent of the time K-Fed gets the kids and the other 50 percent Child Protective Services will get the children. It's kind of sad, who would have predicted while watching Chaotic that it would come to this. They seemed so in love.

At a recent concert, a female fan grabbed Tim McGraw's balls. His wife, Faith Hill was having none of that. She got onstage, grabbed a mic and proceeded to rip the fan a new one in front of the entire arena: "Somebody needs to teach you some class, my friend,. You don't go grabbin' somebody else's, somebody's husband's [private parts], you understand me? That's very disrespectful." Well, I guess she sort of ripped her a new one, more like politely tore in a nice neat line, like those people that unwrap presents and go "Oh, what nice paper." She should have beat her ass like Whitney would have back in the day if some ho tried that with BobbAY. But thumbs up Faith, way to tell that bitch you are the only one who manhandles Tim's cojones in the classiest way possible. Too bad you couldn't use the same restraint when Carrie Underwood won the CMA.

SOURCE


The Church of $cientology would like to welcome its newest member, Story Elias, the newborn son of Jenn Elfman. The kid was actually born on July 23rd but it was a silent birth and Jenna wasn't sure how long she was supposed to stay silent.

Just in case you missed it, she named the kid Story. Yeah.

SOURCE

Now for the McConaughey report:

Still shirtless, hot, and active.


And now, a reason for all the new moms to feel really shitty about their post-baby bodies:
Jamie Pressley just had a baby like what, yesterday? Yeah, go do some crunches you lazy bitches!



Paris Hilton has been cast in a movie musical called Repo! The Genetic Opera. The film is set in 2056 and centers around a mysterious plague that threatens the survival of the human race, and things hinge on the financing of an expensive organ transplant.

Paris will play the part of the mysterious plague.

SOURCE

In strangely fascinating casting news...

Kelly Osbourne is in negotiations to play Mama Morton in the London's West End production of Chicago.

A spokesman for Kelly revealed, "They've been talking about it but nothing has been signed yet. If they do sign something it will be next week. It all depends on timing because there might be a film in the pipeline too."

Wow, first Ashley Simpson, now Kelly Osbourne. What's next? Brooke Hogan as Velma? Oh god, I hope no one from their casting department just read that, don't want to give them any ideas.

SOURCE

There really are no words

So remember that guy Prince Fritz von Anhalt? You know, Zsa Zsa's Gabor's husband and contestant #3 on the Who's Anna Nicole Smith's Babydaddy game show?

Well he's back in the news. This time for calling police claiming to have been robbed at gunpoint by three women.

When police showed up they found Prince Fritz sitting in his Rolls Royce. Handcuffed. And naked. He told the cops that the women stole his watch, clothes, and keys.

Now I'm no career criminal but if I were going to rob someone that drove a Rolls Royce, I'd probably take the car in addition to the keys. I'd probably take his cell phone too. In case you're wondering, I'd still definitely undress the old man because gray pubes are sexay.

So let's reason this out. There are only three logical options:

A) He was robbed by three of the cast members of Rock of Love
B) He's a batshit crazy attention whore giving Britney and Lindsay a run for their money and called the cops himself
C) It was a performance art piece, a social commentary on the wealthy: How one can seemingly have everything, but still be naked inside.

Vote now. The winner gets a two-for-one coupon at Britney's Chicken Shack:



SOURCE

Another Hollywood Baby!

Congrats to Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber who are new parents of a baby boy! Naomi gave birth yesterday at 3:59pm in Los Angeles. They opted for a normal name and chose Alexander Pete Schreiber, who weighed in at 8 lbs., 4 oz.

SOURCE

Baby Bump Worked!

TMZ reports that Nicole Richie has been sentenced to serve four days in the City or County Jail or her choice for her DUI conviction last December (remember she drove the wrong way on the highway?) . In addition to the four day sentence, Nicole will be on probation for three years, will have to pay a fine of $2,048.00 and will have to attend an alcohol education course. Nicole must serve her four day sentence by September 28th.

FOUR DAYS???!!!! Boy, Paris must be pissed.

I must be dreaming. If so, I don't wanna wake up!

Holy shit!! Two of my favorite YouTube celebrities together!! The Kid From Brooklyn interviews Rehdogg!!! This is the best thing since the Seven Layer Crunchwrap at Taco Bell!

Stars Are Blind to Puppymills

Paris Hilton has apparently been making good on her post-prison promise of making the world a better place.....well if making good means being photographed and interviewed at every charitable event she could find within a 20 mile radius in LA. Perhaps she ought to start looking into making an appearance at a Humane Society function to backpeddle the big pile of poopoo she's created for herself by purchasing a chihuahua (which you know she refers to as a "Teacup") at the same pet store where Britney just came under attack for purchasing a dog. The reason animal rights groups are pissed is because many dogs sold in pet stores are products of puppy mills and purchasing them from pet stores perpetuates the problem by keeping the puppy mills in business.

Now I'll give Britney the benefit of the doubt because she's a simpleton, so I wouldn't expect her to edjumacate herself on ethical vs. non-ethical dog breeding practices before purchasing a new pet. After all, she had two children with Federline, so there's proof right there she doesn't exactly think things out. Now, as far as Paris... The stairs go up a little higher, but I still don't think she'll be winning on Jeopardy (the dumbed down Celebrity Jeopardy, that is) anytime soon but you'd think since BRITNEY JUST GOT BLASTED ALL OVER THE PRESS OVER BUYING A DOG LESS THAN 2 WEEKS AGO IN THE SAME STORE! that she just might think twice before doing the same thing. Especially since she's trying to change her image. Dumbass.

In other Paris news, she's about to grace us with a follow-up album. I know, please calm down and contain your excitement. TMZ has spotted her leaving a recording studio. Between that and Brit's upcoming album there's sure to be an exciting Best Female Vocal Performance Grammy race next year!

He Can Do It!!

In case you missed it, here's Rob Schneider's appearance last night on Leno. (Lindsay Lohan was supposed to appear)

Rob's the shit!

At least it's not AC Slater

Congrats to Drew Carey, the new host of The Price Is Right. He announced it was a done deal during the taping for his appearance on the David Letterman show yesterday afternoon.

I know, it seems weird. But I think no matter who they got it would seem weird.

Good luck Drew!! May I suggest changing the opening sequence to a dance number? "Plinko Rocks!!

SOURCE

Celebrity Deathrace 2007

Our first contestant is Lindsay Lohan (aka "Firecrotch") who was arrested in Santa Monica early this morning. The police received a call from a driver in an SUV claiming another SUV was chasing her. When police pulled over the SUV in pursuit, guess who? (Lindsay also had two unnamed men in the car with her, but they were not arrested.) They arrested Lindsday after she failed the Breathalyzer. (She clocked in at .12 percent on her Breathalyzer tests, going well above the legal limit of .08. Way to go!! High Score! I guess the SCRAM anklet didn't work so well.)

Upon a search conducted at the police station, cocaine was found on Lindsay. She was then booked for DUI, possession of cocaine, transporting a narcotic into a custody facility, and driving on a suspended license. Lindsay later posted $25,000 bail and was released from jail at about 6:30 a.m.

Her publicist, Leslie Sloane, had no comment. I have a comment for her publicist: RUN and find a new client!! That sweet little Abigail Benson, perhaps?

SOURCE


Damn, surely no one can top that!

Oh silly, silly me!

So Brit had contacted OK! Magazine and arranged an exclusive photo shoot and interviewTMZ has learned that Britney's self-arranged photo shoot and tell-all interview. Well TMZ is reporting today that the photo shoot was a complete disaster and now OK! is in a predicament, and don't know what to print. A source said that if they published the photos it could "kill her career." (Yeah, I'm not sure how you can kill something that's already dead either.)

FROM TMZ:
' Apparently, Brit Brit's eyes rolled back in her head at one point, causing her to look half dead. Her mood, we're told, was extremely erratic. She took frequent bathroom breaks our source says, and each time she returned her mood would change. She was also completely paranoid during the entire interview, fearing at one point the ceiling was about to cave in on her. Out of control y'all!

We've also learned that Brit had some issues with hygiene on the set as well. At one point, Britney ordered up some fried chicken to munch on. We're told after she chowed down, she wiped her hands on a several thousand dollar Gucci dress that she was wearing for the shoot, staining it with grease. Yuck! One of her dogs also needed some assistance in the housebreaking department. Our on-set spy says that the dog pooped all over the floor, and Brit used (what else?) -- a Chanel dress to clean it up! How trashtastic!As for how Brit looked for the photos, another nightmare. We've learned that OK! hired two of the best hair and makeup artists in L.A. to transform the once-bald beauty into something more presentable, but she wasn't havin' none of that. She refused to let the hired help touch her, opting instead for her "skanky friends" to do her hair and makeup. No wonder she always looks so fantastic! '


Neither Britney's or OK!'s reps have commented.

Wow, this one's tough. I'll call it a draw. It's tough not to be swayed by chicken grease on Chanel though.

Ok fine, CONGRATS BRITNEY!!!

How do you roast a walking caricature?

I have no idea either, but apparently VH1 tried. Here are some pictures from the Flavor Flav roast, taped last night and soon to be shown 789 times on VH1:

"YEAAHHHHBOOYYYYIIEEEEEFLAVVVOORRRFLLAVVVV!!!"

"Shit, even I don't know what he's sayin."

Buckey, Deelishis, and Deelishis's ass.

I think he keeps his steroids in that box.

Yo! Yo! It's time to get Buckwild....hang on, something's different........

Saaphyri had some leftover dye from her old weave, so she used it on her dress. It also looks like she just applied some lipchap.

EEEEKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is before the big fight broke out between Coco's boobs and Deelishis's ass. It was just like Biggie/Tupac.

Bogart and Bacall. Tracy and Hepburn. Gita and Foofy Foofy. Nuff said.

EEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKK!!!! Dammit! Stop doing that!

My only question is, where's New York?

SOURCE

In What-Took-Them-So-Long? news:

Rhianna has released a collection of umbrellas--ellas--ellas for TOTES. I think this is great news!! Check out the tops: nice and pointy, which makes them perfect for stabbing in your ears whenever that fucking song comes on.




In related news, Britney Spears is reportedly pissed about the Rhianna endorsement deal.

Amanda and Peter

The only thing that would be more awesome than these two getting back together is if they faked their deaths in a huge explosion.

PHOTO

You look better on TMZ

Ok, so here's a picture of the newly sober (stop laughing) Lindsay Lohan from PEOPLE. :


Ok, so then I head over to TMZ and look what I see:

??????????


I feel like I'm having deja vu.



I feel like I'm having deja vu.

Maybe this is the sequel to The Parent Trap?

Wait, I know! This is one of those games where you have to circle the things that are different? I'm really good at these!!! I wonder what I could win. Ok, time to get to work...Surfboard, Bikini, SCRAM anklet, Peace Sign, Gold Shoes..........

Oh god, this is like that movie Citizen Kane, you know where you later find out Rosebud was a sled.................

Whoa, I wasn't prepared for this and almost choked on my wine!! Bret Michaels on tv without a bandana or hat? Yup!! On last night's Rock of Love, Bret ended a decade-long mystery and bared all---his hairline. Check it out:



Now the question is: weave, plugs, wig, or natural receded hairline? I have no idea, but here's an old picture for comparison. If there are any weave experts (any of the Charm School girls will do) please let me know.



I do kinda have to hand Bret an Awesome Person Award for having the balls to go through with the (literally) unveiling. And wearing awful pajamas at the same time too. Oh, AND while hooking up your penis to a machine that measures the hurt. Damn, he's just going all out!

But I'm sad that Tiffany was eliminated. Goodbye Tiffany, you sure did threaten us all with a good time.

Rest In Peace Tammy Faye

Evangelist Tammy Faye Messner died on Friday morning of inoperable cancer, CNN's Larry King announced on Saturday night, after her family asked him to personally make the delayed statement. She was 65. MORE

We all knew it was coming, but it's still very sad. Such a sweet woman. I loved her on the Surreal Life.

Random acts of endorsed kindness

Hilary Swank is going to cut off all her hair and she's not doing it because she's batshit crazy, desperate for attention, or even for a movie roll! (see I just can't help it, sorry Britney!)

Nope, she's actually a spokesperson for the Pantene Beautiful Lengths Campaign and is having her hair made into a wig for a female cancer patient. She will also make Public Services Announcements that will air in the US and Canada, encouraging others to join her and donate their hair.

"It's wonderful to know that my hair is going to help someone feel better through the process of getting treatment. It's growing and hopefully I can get a little more length so I can get a nice ponytail to donate. I have lost multiple family members to cancer and witnessed their struggle first hand. I've never heard of anything quite like Pantene Beautiful Lengths (um, Locks of Love?) , and I'm proud to be asked to promote the goals of such a unique and heartfelt program, " she said of the cause.

Hilary added: "I think having short hair is really fun and it looks like it may be the new look. So, it will, if anything, just make me hip. Finally a reason to be hip! "I just hope that my contribution will help to inspire others to get involved in whatever way they can."

I changed my mind, she must be crazy. Doesn't she know in Hollywood you're supposed to spend thousands to add more hair to your head, not cut if off and ewww: give it to charity!? What a stupid and selfless thing to do!

I'm kidding of course, you rock Hilary!

SOURCE

Now that's one classy bitch

Here's a photo taken yesterday of Britney reportedly on the set of her music video. I feel kind mean, it seems every other post lately is of Brit wearing some horribly craptastic outfit. I can't help it though, it's like a train wreck, but with a weave.

Rumor is, the song the video is for is titled Get Back!! (No problem there Brit....Hey, now I get the outfit!) I sure hope they hired the effects team from Paula Abdul's Promise of a New Day video.

Lindsay Surrenders to the Po-po

Lindsay Lohan surrendered to Beverly Hills police yesterday afternoon, facing up to the charges for driving under the influence and the hit-and-run back in May. She arrived with her attorney and was released on $30,000 bail about an hour later. Her court date is set for Aug. 24 in Superior Court in Beverly Hills.

Lindsay was cited back then but hadn't been officially arrested until now. She waited this long so as not to clash with Paris and Nicole Richie's trials and sentences. (Because that would be, like, so embarrassing!)

SOURCE

For Real?

So the Emmy nominations were announced today. Check this out:



Outstanding Original Music And Lyrics:
Family Guy - "Peter's Two Dads" , MADtv -"1209". Saturday Night Live - "Dick In A Box", Scrubs - "Everything Comes Down to Poo"

That's awesome! (I still can't stand Timberfuck though)



Here are some other Emmy nominations:

Best Drama: Boston Legal, Grey's Anatomy, Heroes, House, The Sopranos

Best Comedy: 30 Rock, Entourage, The Office, Two and a Half Men, Ugly Betty

Best Actress, Drama: Patricia Arquette (Medium), Minnie Driver (The Riches), Edie Falco (The Sopranos), Sally Field (Brothers & Sisters), Mariska Hargitay (Law & Order: SVU), Kyra Sedgwick (The Closer)

Best Actor, Drama: James Gandolfini (The Sopranos), Hugh Laurie (House), Denis Leary (Rescue Me), James Spader (Boston Legal), Kiefer Sutherland (24)

Best Reality Show: The Amazing Race, American Idol, Dancing with the Stars, Project Runway, Top Chef

Best Actor, Comedy: Alec Baldwin (30 Rock), Steve Carell (The Office), Ricky Gervais (Extras), Tony Shalhoub (Monk), Charlie Sheen (Two and a Half Men)

Best Actress, Comedy: America Ferrera (Ugly Betty), Tina Fey (30 Rock), Felicity Huffman (Desperate Housewives), Julia Louis-Dreyfus (The New Adventures of Old Christine), Mary-Louise Parker (Weeds)

FOR A COMPLETE LIST CLICK HERE

Please put it away

"Oh good, they're here! Wait till they see how hot I look!"

"Thanks for showing up guys! Sorry about the short notice, I didn't even have time to buy a suit."

"It's cool though y'all, I'll just wear my bra and undies! Oh no, can you see through the bottoms if I get wet though? Oops, I did it again!"

"Did you get it the first time or should I take off my dress again?"

PHOTOS

Coppa-coppa-coppa-coppachameleon..........

In strange future career goal news, Boy George has expressed interest in becoming a police officer.

He said recently: "Being arrested in America is terrible. I don't wish it to anyone. At first I was sad and scared, but, within time, the police gave me support and tranquillity. I ended up getting close to them, maybe it will be my next job!"

Um, well he does seem to have the handcuffing part down. I sure wouldn't wish to being arrested by Boy George.

SOURCE

I Officially Love Her!

I never was a fan of Victoria Beckham's. She just always seemed like a snobby bitch to me. But lately she's been growing on me. I think it all started when she had her friend Scary's back and publicly called Eddie Murphy a "Beverly Hills Cock." Then I saw some of her show Victoria Beckham: Coming to America the other night and I actually caught myself smiling and laughing thinking "You know, she's pretty damn cool!"

If there was any doubt remaining as to her awesomeness, check this one out: Paris Hilton has been quoted as saying, "We could be soulmates" about Victoria and that she'd love to hang out with her. To which my girl Vicky replied (to a "friend"), "Over my dead body!" That is so awesome I have to go change my knickers!

You Go Girl!! Who cares if your show tanked, you are fabulous!

SOURCE

Lindsay wasn't available?

A rep for the soon-to-open LAX nightclub in the Luxor Hotel in Vegas told PEOPLE that Britney Spears will host the grand opening next month.

Fabulous idea!! Because the last time she hosted something it was such a success:

This show will change the world!

Snoop Dogg is the latest celebrity to get their own reality show. Try to contain your excitement. The show, which will be on E! (I can already see Joel McHale showing clips: "Let's take some E!"), will focus on Snoop's balance between his family, career, and blunts.

Ted Harbert, president of Comcast Entertainment group, said in a statement: "Snoop Dogg is, without a doubt, one of the most charismatic and intriguing personalities in pop culture today." (He actually made this statement in 1993 between bong hits in the parking lot before a date of The Chronic Tour, but who's keeping track?)

Anyway, we here at Asshat Hollywood are very excited to have with us today, Snoop Dogg!!

Welcome Snoop!

........................

Um, ok. Sooo, are you excited about the new show?

"Know what I'm sayin'?"

I'll take that as a yes I guess. So, how do you feel about being compared to Ozzy Osbourne?





Wow, that's um, interesting. So how does your family feel about being filmed 24/7?

"Know what I'm sayin'?"

Yeah, uh, actually no. No, I really don't know what you're saying because YOU AREN'T SAYING ANYTHING BESIDES 'KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN?'. What's that? What are you handing me?

No, I don't smoke the pot. No thanks, really. Well ok, maybe just a little hit.....

"Know what I'm sayin'?"

You know, I think I do! Wow, that Ted Harbert was right! You ARE charismatic and intriguing! Good luck on your show! Let's go get some Cheetos!

SOURCE