The Simple Crackhead Life

Nicole Richie wants to make it clear that while she was a drug addict, she has never been under a bridge (though Anthony Kiedis has claimed to have spotted her there once) and she never, ever went without footwear.

In a recent interview for Nylon magazine Nic said, "When I pictured heroin, I pictured some crazy crackhead with no shoes under a bridge. You never think that is going to be you. And it never was me. I was never under a bridge, and I always had shoes."

Uh, yeah, that's because your father is Lionel Richie moron! Maybe if he didn't adopt you, you would have ended up under a bridge and not having any Christian Louboutins to protect your feet! Speaking of being a moron, crack and heroin are two different drugs. Care to educate her Whitney?

"CRACK IS WHACK!! KISS MY ASS!"

Thanks Whit!

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Dumb Lawsuit of the Day

Remember that flop of a show called Armed & Famous where C-list stars underwent police training and rode along with cops on actual calls?

Me neither. Anyway Jack Osbourne has been named in a recent lawsuit filed by a woman in Indiana whose home was raided by mistake during a pursuit of a fugitive by the police unit (Jack included) and camera crew during a taping of the show back in January. The woman, named Lyndsay Clements, claims she was embarrased when footage of her handcuffed in her nightgown was aired. She is demanding 1 million dollars in the lawsuit.

I'm perplexed by this. Don't you have to sign a release to be shown on TV? Did they actually show her face or did they blur it like on Cops? Because if her face was blurred, no one would know who she was. Actually, even if her face wasn't blurred, no one would know because I'm pretty sure nobody actually watched that show. Of course, now everyone will know who she is. So yeah,way to go, Lyndsay Clements!

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Lets play What the Fuck is on Mary Kate Olsen's legs?

Still a little shelf life left in those spices

Hey Ginger, Nicole Kidman called. She wants her Far and Away look back!

YESSS, dreams do come true!! The Spice Girls are reuniting!!! Zig-a-zig-ahh!

The group will release a greatest-hits album which will consist of "Wannabe" repeated ten times and starting in December, will lip-sync together on an 11-date world tour in December with shows in Los Angeles, Las Vegas, New York City, London, Cologne, Madrid, Beijing, Hong Kong, Sydney, Capetown and Buenos Aires.

"We are celebrating the past!" said Geri "Ginger" Halliwell.

"No shit!" said me.

Baby Spice Emma Bunton said"I want to be a Spice Girl again. We are like sisters and we have our arguments, but by the end of the day we get back together." Doesn't she mean decade?

Sporty Spice, Mel C called the tour " a proper good farewell to our fans." Who knew the fans have been waiting ten years for a farewell? On being the last Spice Girl to agree to the reunion, she said"A girl is allowed to change her mind. We only started serious discussions this year. We feel the time is right. I'm very, very excited." Doesn't she mean very, very broke?

Girl Power!!!

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The only part of the Larry King Paris Hilton interview worth watching!

Busted!! Dumbass couldn't even think to say John 3:16.

Stock on on your Valtrex boys, Paris is Free!

It seems weird to follow the Chris Benoit story with something as trivial as Paris Hilton being released from prison, but it's everywhere so it must be done. She was released just after midnight this morning. So now she's off to make the world a better place, worship the lord, and build halfway homes for female inmates.

BWAHHHAAHHHHHAAA!!!!!

Oh and in case you haven't heard, she'll be on Larry King tomorrow night!



TMZ posted the following illustrated Thank You card Paris made for Harvey Levin (managing editor of TMZ) Yeah, it's for real:



Actress, singer, humanitarian, philanthropist, author, and now artist. Is there anything this remarkable young woman cannot do.? She certainly is special.

Still in shock: Chris Benoit and family dead

So last night I put on my sweats, poured a Mojito, and settled in for a 3 hour long Raw which was supposed to be a "Tribute to Mr. McMahon, " going along with the whole fake murder storyline from a couple weeks ago. There were to be touching speeches by the wrestlers, retrospective clips, and even an investigation.

How creepy that wrestling fans got exactly that, but instead of an over-the-top, scripted tribute, we got a real one, for Chris Benoit.

The bodies of Chris Benoit, his wife Nancy, and their young song Daniel were discovered by Fayette County sheriffs at their Atlanta home yesterday around 4PM. The police were asked to do a "wellness" check on Benoit after he cancelled several appointments, including an appearance at Sunday night's Vengeance Pay-Per-View where we was to win the ECW Championship, due to "family issues." He reportedly sent out "curious text messages" early Sunday morning which prompted friends to alert Richard Hering, VP of Government Relations for WWE, Inc.

The cause of the deaths were not immediately released. Last night's live Monday Night RAW event was cancelled and instead the WWE aired some of Benoit's greatest matches (including one from WCW in 1994 where Nancy, a valet character known as "Woman, " cheered him on from beside the ring) and clips of other wrestlers crying and telling of what a great, respectful, and devoted man Benoit was. They cried, fans cried, it lasted the entire three hours. The last match they showed was Chris's win of the Heavyweight Championship at Wrestlemania 20. He celebrated in the ring with his best friend, Eddie Guerrero (who died at age 38 in 2005 of heart failure).

Then it came out that the deaths were being investigated a double murder-suicide with Benoit being the killer. HUH? This guy, that not one person ever had anything bad to say about, that was devoted to wrestling for over 20 years, and taught his kids to always be respectful and polite (he even made his son wear a suit and tie whenever his family would visit him at a show) just snapped and strangled (cause of death was not officially released, but that is what they are saying) his wife and child?? I don't get it.

There is a conflicting rumor that his wife killed the son and he killed her in a rage after discovering what she'd done and then hung himself.

It is all speculation at this point, until the police release a full report to the public (apparently the WWE has further information but was asked by the Fayette County Sheriff’s Department not to release it), we can only wonder what could have caused this horrible tragedy.

wwe.com

UPDATED 3:30PM -
FROM TMZ.com:
' Officials have confirmed the horrifying details in the deaths of wrestling superstar Chris Benoit and his family/

In a statement by a member of the Fayetteville Sheriff's Department, "Mr, Benoit had sometime, possibly Friday, murdered his wife by asphyxiation. Sometime shortly after that, the same for his son Daniel and sometime later ... committed suicide by hanging himself in the basement area."

According to officials, Nancy was bound at the wrists and feet, with a towel wrapped around her body, and blood was found underneath her head. A Bible was also reportedly found near each one of the bodies.

Police have also confirmed that prescription drugs and steroids were found in the house.

Benoit was found hanging in a weight room in his house. Cops say that he used a cord from one of his workout machines as a makeshift noose. Authorities also believe that Benoit died on Saturday. '

I'm literally sick to my stomach. I'm also sick that I spent three hours yesterday being sad and crying over what a great guy he was. Crazy fuck! Unbelievable.

What the Asshats Are Up To

'Mr. Murphy, are you my daddy?"

"Hey Suri, pull my finger!"

"One, two, three---wait a minute. Zahara?"

Charlie's Angels 3: Full Throttle To Video

"Here's your dry cleaning, can I be of any further assistance?"

"No, I wasn't just working on the bike...why do you ask bloke?"

Classy Foreign Ad of the Week

The photos above are from a new Brazilian ad campaign for Itambé Fit Light Yogurt. They portray classic scenes from movies with plus-sized models (and apparently, Courtney Love) in place of Sharon Stone, Marilyn Monroe and Mena Suvari.

The most controversial part is the tag line, which translates to "Forget about it. Men's preference will never change. Fit Light Yogurt."

Well, it is Brazil, isn't that the plastic surgery capital of the world?


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PHOTOS

Paris has seen the light ! (and it's not a camera flashbulb either!)

Well we know she's grateful for Valtrax

Paris Hilton called into Ryan Seacrest's radio show from prison claiming to be a changed woman.

"I'm so much more grateful for everything that I have, even just to have a pillow at night or food,. You know my gratitude has gone up so much and I just realize that the media used me to make fun of and be mean about it. Frankly [I'm] sick of it and I want to use my fame in a good way."

She also discussed the hardships of prison life. "I am behind glass and I want to give my dad a big hug and they won't even let me do that. That's how the rules are, you have to be behind glass. I'm not a criminal, I'm not dangerous, so it makes me feel like that. It's hard but I'm stronger everyday. I just can't wait to see my family and have a nice meal and be in my own bed and appreciate all the things I took for granted and never really thought much about."

Hey she's trying right? Good for her! So just for that I've decided to help her out with a list so she could get started on her newfound appreciation.

Some of the things Paris took for granted and never really thought much about:

• undergarments
• night vision
• kegel exercises (her shit is droopier than this guy)
  
• racial slurs
  
• cell phone security settings
  
• the inhabitants of the city in France
  
• the fact that animals, especially wild ones, are not accessories (sorry, I'm on a total animal rights kick today)
  
• sexual etiquette (answering a cellphone during sex is the equivalent of farting at the dinner table)
  
• Britney Spears' mental health

Add your own!

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Asshat Hollywood Picture and Quote Match-up

"I hope all my new work will help producers in getting past my hotness." - Jessica Alba

(By the way, how come whenever one of the Jessica's (Biel) talks about how hot she is, another (Alba) has to also? I'm really getting tired of it and I must applaud Jessica Simpson for keeping her puffed out lips shut for once and not joining in the contest.)

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Naked girls & naked [dead] animals is how they roll in Finland

Pamela Anderson has been hanging out in Finland with her father and she's really, really feeling her heritage (her great-grandfather was was from Finland) and wants to make some changes to the country.

She wrote on her official website:

"Our heritage is here. We are both excited. We will be taking lots of saunas. Save my liver. (HUH? That was random.) Also I thought of a great way to celebrate my Finnish heritage at home. I'm going to look into opening a chain of strip clubs and I'll call them Lapland!'"

In addition to saving lonely men, Pam also wants to help out her home country by saving the animals farmed for fur. Pam has also written to Finnish President Tarja Halonen asking him to ban fur farms.

In the letter Pam says: "It's time for Finland to move into the 21st century and follow suit. There are hundreds of fur farms here. The demand is getting lower for fur coats and they breed foxes here just for fur. Awful. Sweden, Austria and England have banned fur farms. Let's hope Finland will too. Other than that I'm very proud of my Finnish heritage. It is the most beautiful countryside."

Finland's fur auctioneers have replied that Pammie's campaign is unrealistic as fur is Finland's top export and responsible for the "livelihood" of many people and the unlivelihood of the foxes. Fortunately she seems to be having more luck with the other furless venture, Lapland.

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Quick! Someone make a Bridget Jones movie!

Sarah Jessica looks fat next to Renee!

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Bad timing, not bad taste (this time)

Given my obsession with all things pro-rasslin, I can't help but feel obliged to comment whenever the WWE makes national news. This time it's over the "death" of chairman Vince McMahon on the 6/11 episode of Monday Night Raw (He's not really dead, see because in case you didn't know, KISS 95.7 , wrestling is FAKE).

See, a couple days after Vince supposedly perished in a limo explosion, former woman's wrestler "Sensational Sherri" Martel was found [for real] dead at her mother's home. Of course the timing couldn't have been worse with the whole McMahon fake-death and now the WWE is being accused of, gasp, poor taste. I know, How dare they! The WWE have always been known for their high standards in providing us classy, quality programming. Geez! I bet next they're going to say that the Katie Vick storyline wasn't an artistic and thought-provoking potrayal of a psychological study on the effects of loss and one man's yearning for closure. The nerve! (Speaking of which, I think Kane is the prime suspect and I wouldn't blame him one bit.)

Plus, Vince "died" before Sherri. And it's not like they are going to have Sherri's husband come on Smackdown every week for two years to milk her death and then try to become Teddy Long's assistant. Oh god, at least I hope not.

Anyway I really hope they don't scrap the whole "Vince is dead" storyline because I'm so happy we won't have to see him every damn week.
UPDATE- Looks like the they aren't dropping the storyline anytime soon.

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Just can't get enough of the little lad who loves Starburst Berries and Cream?

I know I can't, he's one hot piece of ass. I have fantasies of a menage a trios with him and the Burger King. Ooh baby... Pardon me while I go rub one out.

I smell a Tony

You just can't make this stuff up. Coming to Broadway soon will be a new show called "Idol: The Musical". Described as "a satirical musical comedy that focuses on the outrageous and delusional fan base of American Idol," the story will be about a group of Claymates in Ohio who gather in a barn to 'worship' a shrine to Aiken.

The sad part is, it's based on a true story. (Well I don't know that, but I'd be willing to bet....) The show ends on a sad note with a mass-suicide by poisoned Coca-cola after the Claymates are shocked and horrified to learn that their beloved studmuffin prefers dudes. (Ok, I don't know that either, but it should.)

I hope they get the guy on the left to play Clay. That would rule!



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Shut up Jessica!

"At first I felt really embarrassed about it. You know, it's a weird thing to talk about. Like, 'Hey, guys. Guess what?' You don't just go telling everybody that. But after I got over that, I just started to embrace it. I started thinking, if I ever do have kids, and if they have kids, I can tell them: 'You know what? Your grandma in 2000-and-whatever was the Sexiest Woman Alive. How about that, kids?' That's what I started to think about. I'll always have that picture to say, 'That's what Granny used to look like.'" - Jessica Biel on embracing her sexiness.


I'm so relieved she is finally at peace with this.

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Hello? Bueller?

First off, I'd like to apologize to the five people that read this site. I took some time off to deal with some personal crisises and other assorted bullshit that someone up there (or down there) thinks I can handle (Note to them: I CAN'T MOTHERFUCKER!! GO BOTHER RACHEL RAY OR SOMETHING.)

But looking back on what I missed, I can't feel too bad. There really hasn't been much excitement since the hoopla over over the Paris prison sentence (which while fine for gossip sites, the major news organizations should be royally ashamed of themselves for covering like 911.)

I mean, what the hell is going on with our Hollywood celebutards and sociallice? Paris is locked away, Nicole might be pregnant, the Olsen twins: still creepy, but legal now, and Britney's wearing panties. Yawnie, yawnie, mcyawn.

Yup, my spirit has been broken a little. I actually thought I'd be happy not having to hear about these morons for a while, but it's kind of sad in a way. Like, it kind of forces all of us to deal with our own shit instead of laughing at others' drunken missteps.

Anyway, I found myself thinking and walking alone, ok, I found myself looking for something to do to avoid doing actual work (which is piled to the ceiling) so I decided to put my thoughts into song and composed this little number about the downfall of our favorite girls. I hope you enjoy it. Ok, I hope you don't think it sucks. Too much. Ahh fuck it, don't read it then. No one's holding an umbrella to your head!

The Party Has Died
(sung to the tune of American Pie)

A short, short time ago...
I can still remember
How those skanks used to run wild
And I knew if I had my chance
Up on a table I’d dance
And, maybe, they’d be coked out for a while.

But then something made me shiver
Fate’s working harder than Lohan’s liver
Bad news on TMZ;
I think you’d probably agree

I can’t remember exactly what was said
When I read about how Britney shaved her head
But something told me deep inside
The party was gonna die

Why, why, what’s come over these guys?
Drank some chanti and ditched my panties,
But there was no one at Hyde
And Britney and Lindsay promisin’ to stay dry?
Singin’, "please don’t say the party has died.
"Please don’t say the party has died

Where’s the Paris we know and love?
She now has faith in God above
Does the Bible tell her so
Do you believe in reforming hoes
Will prison save her spoiled soul
And can she still teach me how to dance on a pole?

Well, I know that you’re in love with Linds
And all the trouble she be gettin’ in
But her crotch burned out at the fuse.
Now she’s 12-steppin’ to get off the booze (or so she says)

Nicole was a loudmouth anorexic fuck
With her invitations instructing us to upchuck
But now she just may be knocked up
It really seems... the party’s died.

I started singin’,
Why, why, what’s come over these guys?
Drank some chanti and ditched my panties,
But there was no one at Hyde
And Britney and Lindsay promisin’ to stay dry?
Singin’, "Please don’t say the party has died."
"Please don’t say the party has died"

[This is the last verse (if Madonna can do it, so can I) ] :

And in the streets: the paparazzi weeps
Mary Hart cries, and the publicists sleep
Not a dirty word is printed
Not a scandal is hinted

The blogs have nothing to post
Where are these girls when we need them most?
It’s time for the new generation to step up,
Come on Dakota, grab a cup!
And get this party revived

All together now:
Why, Why, what’s come over these guys?
Drank some chanti and ditched my panties,
But there was no one at Hyde
And Britney and Lindsay promisin’ to stay dry?
Singin’,
Please don’t say the party has died."

Straight Backta Lynwood!

I'm sure everyone knows by now (sorry--slacking today) that Paris Hilton has been sent BACK TO PRISON to serve the remainder of her sentence (which is the original 45 day sentence, not the shortened 23 day one!) behind bars. She reportedly was kicking and screaming and yelling for her mom. She also said "This isn't right!" Oh yes sweetie, it is so, so right.

In case you missed all the developments (and there were more than OJ Simpson and Anna Nicole Smith combined), check out TMZ.

What the fuck?

Paris Hilton is already out of jail!

Sources revealed to TMZ this morning that the deal to cut her sentence short was sealed yesterday and that she is free after serving only 3. Fucking. Days.

The L.A. County Sheriff's Department is going to hold a news conference in an hour to explain themselves. There's no need to, she obviously sucked them all off.


UPDATE : They let her out because of a "medical condition" and she will serve the remainder of her sentence at home with an anklet bracelet. Here is the press release.
Fucking Unbelievable!

Nicole upstages Paris!

Here's a photo of what Nicole would look like at 3 weeks along.

Is Nicole Richie pregnant? According to Life and Style, she is. They report that Nicole recently underwent blood and urine screenings which "confirmed she is pregnant." She was also photographed at a reproductive clinic on May 30 and a source was quoted as saying, “Nicole’s determined to get healthy for her own sake and the baby’s.”

Hmmm, she did seem to have a pooch in some recent photos lately, but I thought it was Ethiopian belly. How does someone so thin even get pregnant?

Well, if this is true and it's a girl they can share clothes!

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Jen's dating a model - Angelina's buying a new orphan - Brad's kicking himself

PEOPLE reports that Jennifer Aniston is dating a new guy. His name is Paul Sculfor and he is a British model and former boxer and construction worker..

He even got a recommendation from a former girlfriend, London socialite Lady Victoria Hervey, "He's a lovely guy. A gentleman. Simple things, like opening doors, he does all that. He'll think of the woman before himself."

Meanwhile in Brangelinaland:




Crazycatlady Angie is planning to adopt yet ANOTHER child. This time it's an orphan boy from the Czech Republic. She met the boy at a Catholic orphanage during filming of her latest film called Wanted.

Bartender, please cut her off!

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Off again

Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson broke up again.

A source told PEOPLE they split just before Memorial Day and that, "They're still friends."

They previously broke up last Christmas and reconciled around Valentine's Day so expect them to get back together around the 4th of July.

What the fuck?

What is wrong with these girls? They went from monkey-looking babies to kind of cute kids, to actually pretty preteens, to Just. Fucking. Creepy. I think they got abducted around age 15 by aliens. Where the hell was Uncle Jesse? He must have been playing a gig with the Rippers.

Paris Hilton Update - Still in Jail

So this is the actual mugshot, because we care.

So far, so good, according to TMZ. The staff is saying Paris is a "model citizen," being very polite and gracious. Well, duh! She wants to get out early.

She's in solitary - a 12X8 foot cell with a bunk bed, a toilet, and a wash basin with two windows. She has to wear an orange jumpsuit which is not hot, but the good news is, she gets to keep her hair extensions!

So far she has not been raped, shanked, or pooped on, so we can all rest assured. In fact, she seems to be getting along quite well with her fellow inmates. Word is she's very excited about being invited to a blanket party.

Ut oh Minnillio!

"I'm so hot and crazy, just like Angelina."

They totally copied off of Omarossa and Janice Dickinson.

So yesterday, these pictures of Lindsay Lohan acting like a psychopathic idiot surfaced. Well today, the mystery friend in those pictures has been identified as sweet little Vanessa Minnillo.

PAGE SIX reports that these photos may mean trouble for Vanessa's future career. They also reveal that Vanessa is kind of a bitch:


' When producers flew her to Los Angeles to cover the Grammys, "she was extremely high maintenance," said one source. "She insisted they fly her own hair and makeup people and her personal assistant out with her every time she flew to L.A. She only flew first class and stayed at the Four Seasons, and then she didn't want to work.

"Vanessa wants to be a celebrity, not interview them," said the source. "She wouldn't conduct post-show interviews because she wanted to party. She expected to be paid a full-time salary for a part-time job."

Page Six spotted Minnillo at one of the fall fashion shows changing seats for 15 minutes until she was satisfied. She's been known to bark orders at cocktail waitresses and cause scenes when she goes club hopping at night.

In April, we reported that Minnillo had moved in with Lachey in Los Angeles, where she's hoping for a movie career.

A rep for Minnillo denied any "diva behavior" and told Page Six, "She chose to leave 'ET' because her contract ended. This is the first I've heard about any bad behavior." '


Poor Nick thought he was finally getting a nice, normal girl. Maybe he should just turn to dudes.

Sarah Silverman gives Paris a proper send-off to jail

Sarah rules!

And it begins...

Paris turned herself in to authorities last night, shortly after the MTV Movie Awards. Her mug shot was released. Not surprisingly, she struck a pose. (She should've put a little powder on first though.)

TMZ

A tiger never changes its dimples

Did anyone think Mario Lopez would really change his ways (has anyone even seen that Doritos girl since their divorce?) and be faithful to Karina Smirnoff? Wait, let me rephrase that: Did anyone, besides my mom, think Mario Lopez would really change his ways ?

STAR reports that he was 'caught canoodling in a casino with a mystery blonde just six days after enjoying a poolside lovefest with his girlfriend', Karina. This all went down on May 19th at Harrah's New Orleans Casino & Hotel.

Oh Karina dear, cha-cah far away from the cheating bastard. You have an open invitation to come over my house to get drunk, watch Saved By the Bell, and make fun of AC Slater's Jerri Curl mullet and acid-washed jeans.

Promises Made, Promises Broken

Here's Lindsay Lohan spotted outside a gym near Promises, the rehab facility where she is currently checked in. Just like Britney, she got bored with the whole working on sobriety in seclusion thing and left for a few hours to "work out." Please, the only part of her body that is getting a workout is her left nostril.

It was also reported today that Lindsay is getting another hall pass so she can..wait for it, celebrate her 21st birthday at a NIGHTCLUB!

The doctors at Promises must have gotten their license from the same place as Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon.

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Asshat of the Week

I know I'm being a lazy bum today and only posting YouTubes of So You Think You Can Dance, bite me! Anyway, this guy's dad gets the honor of Asshat of the Week.

See Myles' dad is just so embarrassed his son would rather dance than play football. He's probably afraid he's also a queer (you know he uses that word) The fuckhead even says "I had it all" when talking about his son.

I have a small suspicion that this backstory may be a set up for Asshat Dad's inevitable redemption later in the season when Myles needs votes, or maybe I'm just hoping it's that because that would mean there was one less douchebag homophobe in the world. I mean seriously, parents like this is the reason some kids commit suicide.

This Guy Rules!

If you don't watch So You Think You Can Dance (which you should, especially if you are having American Idol withdrawal--it's like American Idol methadone), you missed this guy. His name is Bryan Gaynor and he has scoliosis.

Talk about making the best out of what you have. I'll admit it, I teared up! Check him out, he's awesome! I wish I could do the robot.