Britney's lawyer's gonna be in high-demand!

The Britney/K-Fed divorce settlement has been reached.

Brit and K-Fed worked out the deal with their attorneys over a five hour meeting yesterday.

Sources told TMZ that K-Fed will get about 1 million. He also gets to keep the $35.78 royalties from "Playing With Fire." The ex-couple will have joint custody of their two children.

Congrats Britney! Red Bulls all around!

What the Asshats Are Up To

Hilary (thinking):"She better not get any ideas."

No snark here but look at Ashley Judd. Not a drop of makeup. HATE HER!

"Are you sure we can't make this one about Elvis being discovered alive?" - Nic Cage on the set of National Treasure 2.

"I'm sorry! I loved Stranger Than Fiction. Honest!"

"Sir Bono? Check. Next up, Saint Bono."

(COURTNEY LOVE) "I look so hot!! I gotta call Tara and thank her for the number of her surgeon!"

"Ok, ok, very cute but you tell Tinky-Winky this part's off-limits."

"Have you heard? I'm Heather Mills and I have an artificial leg. Yeah, I do! Really! See, I'm holding some spares right here! And I'm competing on Dancing With the Stars and doing very well!! I am a great role model for disabled gold-diggers everywhere!"

" NOW I AM GOING TO EAT YOUR SOULS, FOR I AM SATAN!!!!"

Congratulations!! You just got a VD from looking at this picture!

We get it. You're in love with El Esqueleto.

The 500 people who bought tickets to see Jennifer Lopez perform at New York's Spotlight Live on Tuesday night to promote her first Spanish-language album 'Como Ama Una Mujer (How a Woman Loves) may have been rethinking their purchase when Jen decided to bring Marc up on stage to give them a repeat performance of their Telemundo Grammy performance.

FROM PR Inside:
' Jennifer thanked the crowd, which included her mother and sister, for coming and was interrupted by a call of "I think you're so cute" from the audience. Jennifer replied: "And my husband is here." After her first song the 37-year-old said: ''The next song is a little treat. In a second you'll see why.'' She was joined on stage by Marc, 38, and they performed a romantic duet during which he pulled her into an embrace and they gazed into each other's eyes.

When the song ended Jennifer said: ''How you like them apples? That's my baby, for better or for worse!'' After the concert the couple partied in the VIP area, drinking champagne and feasting on giant puffs of pink cotton candy, marbled 'monkey bar' brownies, chocolate-dipped donuts and milkshakes in shot glasses. '

I think a better treat would have been if they shared the monkey bar brownies with the audience instead.

Reh Dogg Tribute of the Week

We haven't paid homage to the masterpiece that is Why Must I Cry in a while so check this one out. Damn! This guy really went to a lot of trouble. Of course the original is still the best:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=8mWW6kRITEY

Girls Gone Mild

I tried to post this yesterday, but it didn't work. I'm sure everyone's seen this by now, but in case you haven't here's the big kiss on Dirt between Jen and Courtney! I've seen hotter kissing on The Golden Girls.

Jenny McCarthy rules

TMZ conducted a poll recently on who should portray Anna Nicole in a movie about her life. When Jenny McCarthy, the winner of the poll, was asked for her thoughts by Jimmy Kimmel on his show last night, she said "I don't really think that's a compliment ... and God bless her, but anybody that tries to play her in a movie ... it will be sort of like a 'Saturday Night Live' sketch. Bobby Trendy I would like to play."

Jenny, you are awesome.

P.S. Please stay that way and don't let the $cientologists get you!

Marks!

I can't believe the "Battle of the Billionaires" at Wrestlemania 23 this Sunday is actually making national news. It cracks me up that some people actually think there's a chance in hell Donald Trump may "lose" and end up having to shave that bird's nest off his head.

PEOPLE ran the following quote. On the possibility of shaving his head, Donald said, "It reminds me of when I was in military academy many years ago – my head was shaved, so I guess I'll have to do it a second time. I think there are a lot of people that would like it very much."

And yesterday TMZ posted a clip of the Wrestlemania press conference in which Trump slapped Vince McMahon after the ol' handshake fake-out.

But all the publicity is exactly what they both want. However I don't think it's gonna translate into non-wrestling fans paying $39.99 to see.

He didn't bring chubby back

He started off so promising. The David Hasselhoff comment was awesome. But then, he started to irk. I think "Fro Patrol" was the final nail.

But don't cry Chris, you made the tour, you'll be on every talk show for the next week, you have a hot wife, and you'll probably get a gig as a host on the Game Show Network. As Mary Roach would say, Not too shabby!


Let's check with Asshat Hollywood correspondent Ashley to get her thoughts on this development. Ashley?

Popozao - In French!

So here's Tony Parker's rap video. Pretty much every cliche's in there, but he's got lasertag too! Enjoy the vibe by sitting on your sofa and raising your arms. (that's actually what some of the lyrics translate to)

What's two Laguna Beach stars locked away? A good start!

Laguna Beach, um, "star" Jessica Smith was arrested on Monday for suspicion of driving under the influence of alcohol or drugs after rear-ending another car on the Santa Ana Freeway.

She is currently still behind bars at Orange County jail, with a set bail of $100,000 as no one has come to bail her out yet. Awesome!

Jessica's Laguna Beach co"star" Jason Wahler was sentenced to two months in jail earlier this month for beating up two men.

Karma really does work!! I hope Kristen Cavallerri is next!

I hope they lock them up all together on a remote island far, far away and throw away the key!

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Whatcho talkin' bout Willis?

Todd Bridges wants everyone to know that he is not dead! A rumor spread online yesterday that Todd had died of a drug overdose. What happened was there was a report yesterday on a New York radio station that a truck driver named Shawn Bridges died of drug-related complications.

Todd's manager and spiritual adviser Bishop Ernest John released a statement to PEOPLE, "Todd Bridges IS NOT DEAD physically. He just died to the lusts of the flesh about 14 years ago when he was baptized in Jesus's Name and filled with the Holy Ghost."

And don't you forget it!

PEOPLE

American Idol Love

TMZ is reporting that Chris Timberlake and former AI contestant Alaina are a couple. How sweet.

No word on Sanjaya and his hairdresser.

UPDATE - Alaina is apparently attempting to catch Hugh Hefner's attention. According to a story on The National Ledger, she has put up nude photos of herself on her MySpace page.

DVR ALERT!

Hillary Clinton will be a character on South Park tomorrow night. Sources from the network would not discuss the details of the plot, but told the New York Daily News the storyline will focus on a local rally for Clinton's political campaign. We'll have to tune in to find out if it's Trapped in the Closet-good.

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Paris lost her viginity to Steve Sanders' little brother?

Randy Spelling claims that he popped Paris Hilton's cherry (Although, technically-speaking, with skanks, cherries don't exactly pop, they kind of just rot away but anyway...).

He said, "We were together for like two months. We went to Palm Springs once for the weekend, and we couldn't check into the hotel under her name because her grandma was looking for her. She was like 15; I was 17. And what do you know, I hear this knock-knock-knock on the door, and I look out and her grandma's there. And then I look out the window and I see Paris in a full-on dress with a suitcase running down the golf course. We broke up like a week later."

Randy also mentioned what happened he ran into Paris in a nightclub, "She came up to me and she was like, 'I want to say hi to Randy.' She was like, 'Randy took my virginity. I want to say hi.'"

Please, like she probably tells everyone she's a virgin, by 15 she must have had like least 14 lovers and three videos.

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Hey, she's a crazy bitch

There's more to the story of the Scott and Mary Weiland weekend fight than hotel trashing. After leaving the hotel Saturday, Mary wanted to do some more damage so she went to their home and torched over $10,000 worth of Scott's clothes and I'm pretty sure some of them were borrowed from Rob Halford!! She did it right in front of their house too so all the neighbors could see the crazy. Of course, she was arrested and booked with investigation of felony arson vandalism. She posted her $50,000 bail after being held at the Burbank police station for three hours.

Wow, he must have done something really, really bad. Like cheated on her or started using drugs again or made half of Guns N' Roses sound like Stone Temple Pilots.


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Go Sanjaya!

I'm sure anyone who watches American Idol has heard about the girl that is starving herself until Sanjaya is voted off. She's on day 9 of her hunger strike and she's finally come to the realization that hmm, maybe it wasn't such a great idea after all.

Her latest blog entry reads: "It's getting to a point where I don't know if I can continue on like this anymore, my parents are starting to get concerned. i am going to try my best to make it until Wednesday night though. We'll see. "

WIMP!!!

Seriously though, her profile says she is 23 years old! Does anyone actually believe this? She's probably 17 and has been eating BK Stackers every day the entire time.

I do commend her for her originality in her desperate quest for 15 minutes of cyber-fame. She's right up there with the YouTube bride that cut off her hair. I want to pull a stunt too. I know, I'll eat every day until Sanjaya is voted off, then I'll eat every day after he is!

Are they trying to drive people away?

' A 50 foot robotic replica of MICHAEL JACKSON will be reportedly erected in the desert surrounding Las Vegas, according to reports. The self-proclaimed king of pop is currently in talks to sign a long-term concert deal in Nevada's Sin City and local businessmen claim the huge Jackson likeness is among the proposals. Consultant Mike Luckman of Luckman Van Pier, tells the New York Daily News, "It would be in the desert sands. Laser beams would shoot out of it so it would be the first thing people flying would see. Neon is wonderful, but it's old school." '

SOURCE


Ok, now this is really scary. I bet this is what finally sets off the war with the aliens. Somebody better call Will Smith.

In related news, Michael is reportedly also in talks to open up a Boys' Club in Vegas. Asked why, Michael winked and said "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." (Too predictable? Sorry)

Accidental Overdose

The results of Anna Nicole Smith's autopsy have finally been released. At a press conference this morning Seminole Police Department Chief Charlie Tiger announced that the cause of death was"an accidental overdose with no other criminal element present." The medical examiner, Dr. Joshua Perper said he found methadone, anti-anxiety and weight-reducing drugs, vitamins, and other substances in her system.

He also said that after police conducted a thorough investigation they found nothing to indicate foul play. In this investigation they reviewed hotel security videotapes and the contents of the Howard K. Stern's laptop.

So basically, we waited almost two months to learn something we already knew.

SOURCE

Celebrity Duet!

Ok, maybe Timberfuck isn't so bad after all. He's sort of putting his rep on the line to help Britney make her comeback by recording a duet with her! The song will be a remake of Marvin Gaye's 'You're All I Need to Get By', and will be produced by Timbaland.

Justin's part was leaked:

I'm all your star needs to rise.
Like a sweet honeydew, I took one look at you,
And it was plain to see,
you had on no panties. With your legs open wide,
I was glad you weren't my bride
I'll say a prayer for you
So you'll stop acting like a fool


SOURCE

In other lawsuit news

Two photographers are suing Denise Richards and Pamela Anderson for the laptop-throwing incident back in November on the set of the soon-to-be critically acclaimed Blonde and Blonder. In the lawsuit, filed Friday, the paps are charging Denise, claiming she physically and verbally assaulted them when they tried to take her picture. They are also accusing Denise and Pam of lying to authorities about the incident.

This is stupid. The only person who has any right to sue is the old lady who was actually injured when the laptop fell on her head! Unfortunately, when reached for her thoughts on the situation, the old woman was only about to comment with, "You've got mail!" and "DING!"

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Scott and Mary's hotel room falls to pieces

A Burbank hotel is pressing charges against Velvet Revolver/ex-Stone Temple Pilots frontman Scott Weiland and his wife Mary for trashing their hotel room.

TMZ reports that Scott and Mary " ripped alarm clocks and phones from their sockets and threw them, made "dents and gauges" in the walls, and that there was even blood found on some of the linens afterward. (A picture taken at the scene shows a note attached to a trash bag that says, in Spanish, "with blood.") "

This all started when the couple got into an argument on Saturday. It got so heated that their two children, who were there at the time, had to be taken away by Weiland's assistant. The police were called. No one was arrested and there is no word on injuries.

I wonder what the argument was about. Maybe Mary told Scott the affected epileptic/Mick-Jagger dancing was getting out of hand. There's some pictures below of the damage, I was expecting a lot worse.

Hey everybody, where did Mary go?
Where did Mary go?
And where's my only cigarette?

Did you check the bathroom, the bathtub?
She sleeps there sometimes
Water cleanses, you know

Clean sheets, incense, a lots of fluffy pillows
Now soiled

Time to play What's in Lindsay's Water Bottle?

A) Iced Tea
B) Jack Daniel's
C) Urine

I'm going with C. She was probably too busy snorting coke off the toilet lid and forgot to pee in the bathroom at the club.

Nice to see rehab's working out for her.

Pete Doherty still loves the crack

Human Trashcan Pete Doherty admitted in a recent interview with the New York Daily News that he still smokes crack every day, saying: "I always stumble back on it sooner or later, even if it's for half an hour a day." Pete even backed up his words by pulling out his crack pipe and lighting up during the interview.

Pete has even admitted to whoring himself in the past for a hit. He said: "There was no shame, because I kind of knew they were just lonely pissed-up old queens. And £20 was a lot of money!"

Whoa. Kate, you do realize you are beautiful and can do better than this, right?

SOURCE

Kind of hard to do with your face pumped full of BOTCHILISM!

Ok, so I saw the strangest commercial last night during Ugly Betty (BTW - wasn't it awesome last night? I Ashleyed for Marc.). I tried to find a YouTube of it, but no luck. It was a commercial for Botox and apparently their new slogan is "EXPRESS YOURSELF." Um..... I know I can't be the only one that sees the irony in that. I bet the advertising genius who thought up Crystal Pepsi is responsible for this.

You are all going to hell!

A writer for the LA Times who was at the American Idol taping Tuesday night got the scoop on the little girl that cried her way into our hearts. Her name is Ashley Ferl and she is 13 years old. Ashley lives in Riverside, California. Ashley was at the show thanks to the Make A Wish Foundation as she has a serious and extremely rare disease called hemosalinimucuosalcosis. She is constantly in chronic pain which is why she cries nonstop. It is also why she looks so young for her age, as the disease stops the aging process at around the age of eight. Her one wish was to meet Sanjaya and thanks to 19E, it came true. She was quoted, between sobs, as saying "Now I'm ready to meet Jesus."



NOW DON'T YOU FEEL AWFUL?





Ok, I'm totally fucking with you. She was there with her parents, went to a rehearsal of American Idol and started crying. The producers saw ratings and gave her a bag of onions and tickets to the show.

SOURCE

Dina Lohan wants to teach Britney's mom a lesson in parenting

Mother of the Year Dina Lohan is bashing Britney Spears' mother for not being a media whore like she is:

"I don't know her mom. But I love this kid, and I feel so badly for her because I'm a mom. The girl is a beautiful kid. She married some guy just to get out of the limelight. Cut her some slack. Her mother, I'm surprised she didn't come forward. I'm not gonna sit back and go, 'You're gonna trash my kid?' If my daughter was in high school, I would be at the principal's office. Hello?"

You tell her Dina! Why can't everyone be a great mom like you? I bet that bitch Lynne Spears doesn't even share her coke with Britney! You know, between you and her loving father, Lindsay is so lucky have such a wonderful family life.

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Even Michael Moore don't wanna be involved in this crap!

Remember a while back one of Rosie O'Donnell's blog entries was titled "Loose Change?" Well, you can all finally sleep because it seems that the mystery as to what that means is finally solved.

Page Six reports that there is a YouTube documentary called "Loose Change," which claims that the United States government was behind the 9/11 terror attacks. Rosie, as well as Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban, is backing this piece of crap. Charlie Sheen is not only a supporter, he's also narrating the new version of the documentary.

I know when I want to know the truth about our government's twisted ways, I turn to a loudmouth lesbian and a hooker-lovin' drunk, but I much prefer the Clintons.

Ok, if that don't get me comments, I give up with this board.

SOURCE

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American Idol Recap

British Invasion week. First off, Lulu RAWKS! I want to go out drinking with her. Peter Noone, not so much.

Haley goes first with "Tell Him" (Ally McBeal's "theme song") She has the dreaded first spot, which basically means the producers think she's overstayed her welcome so they stick her there hoping viewers will forget about her by the end of the show. But Haley is awesome and fights back with an armor of hot pants, a halter, and lots of plastic jewelry (we will soon learn that diamonds are for divas). I've never been to South Beach, but I'd imagine hookers there look like Haley did last night. She does these flirty, sexy dance moves to the judges and people in the audience (I think she may have even given one guy a lap dance--I'll have to check) Some people would call this desperate --I call it smart. She has a lot to compete with so why not use her best assets, everyone else is: Blake's using his "vocal entendres," Stephanie's using her Beyonceness, Sanjay's using his hair and his suckiness, Phil is using his Weekly World News fame. So anyway, GO GIRL! Spoil the producers' evil plot. Shake that ass, watch yourself!

Chris Timberlake sat on a stool and some guy played guitar. I took a quick nap.

Stephanie pretended to be Beyonce some more. (for a better version of the song, check this out).

Blake, oh, my boyfriend Blake. I haven't gotten off that much at the phrase "Who's your daddy?" since Game One of the 2004 American League playoffs. You're my daddy Blake!! You're my daddy!! But please be my daddy in different clothes because you actually look like my daddy on golf day. The plaid pants kind of ruined that whole fuck-me thing he was going for. He dresses so much better on results nights and I want to see the rest of his tattoos. Ryan sure wants Blake to be his daddy and repeatedly touches him then attempts to dance and beatbox. It was frightening. I was embarrassed for him and jealous for Simon.

I think it's around this time that our friend Ashley makes her debut. She's sitting there blubbering and Ryan looks at her funny (good acting job, pretending she wasn't a plant) and asks "Those are tears of joy right?" She sobs and nods.

Who's next, Lakisha? Ok, so homegirl's all decked out in this emerald green dress and 1 MILLION DOLLARS (Dr. Evil? Anyone? I know, played out, sorry) worth of diamonds. She sang the James Bond theme"Diamonds Are Forever" and it was so over-the-top it was awesome. The diamonds, the lights, I was just waiting for the silhouettes of naked ladies to go swimming by.(they could have done it--they've got Haley right there.) Simon said it was too old for her, but he seemed more concerned about the diamonds, insisting they weren't worth 1 million dollars because he purchased them himself to later give to Ryan.

Phil was next. He attempted to rock out with Tobacco Road and failed miserably, but you could tell he really studied the Chris Daughtry and Bo Bice handbooks.

Jordin sang a really sad song about how she doesn't have diamonds--I think she was pissed at Lakisha. Yeah, I'm just rushing along to get to...

The duet of Sanjaya and Ashley!! Unless you are a dead celebrity waiting to be buried you know how this went down. I've gotta hand it to Sanjaya though, he really went for it. Sick of being the butt of everyone's jokes, he figured if he was gonna go out, he was gonna go out with a bang so he headed straight to the American Idol library in search of help to attain that one, groundbreaking performance. Since the Daughtry and Bo Bice handbooks were both checked out by Phil, Sanjaya got the Constantine Maroulis handbook and studied it intently. Devil horns, tongue wagging, pelvis-thrusting, the whole thing. His song choice: "You Really Got Me". And it was strangely.....awesome and entertaining!! One of his balls actually dropped during that performance--and then he shoved it in Paula's face. (thanks daq!) He was off-key the entire time, but it was so bizarre and hilarious, so what? Ok, so on top of all this awesome weirdness is our friend Ashley who's bawling her eyes out like someone stole her bike and then ran her puppy over with it. The camera director's all "Cut to another close-up of the crying girl!! Cut back to that strange boy. Now back the the crying girl again!!" It was so spastic I had to look away at times. I didn't feel so bad about skipping my ab workout that night because I got more exercise from the convulsions of laughter than I ever did from Tamilee Webb. I could actually hear everyone in America laughing right along. It was one of those moments, like Jerri getting voted off Survivor or Omarosa getting fired.

Ok, so poor Gina's got to follow that. She does a decent enough job on "Paint it Black" that Tommy Lee would make a sexually inappropriate comment to her on Rock Star Supernova, however here on Idol, that shit don't fly because it's about the singing (except when Blake Lewis is involved). She angrily throws her Ryan Starr handbook at the wall as she realizes that Sanjaya managed to outrock her.

Are we done yet? Um, ok, Chris Sligh walks through the crowd and someone holds up a sign that says "Bringing Chubby Back." Which is a way better catchphrase for Chris than "Fro-Patrol" which is not sticking no matter how hard he tries.

Here comes the headliner Melinda!!! She sings another selection out of the Nadia Turner handbook - that song from Oliver that Nancy sings right before her boyfriend kills her--are we still in British Invasion week? She's wonderful of course. Show's over, but not until they bring Ashley up on stage to cry some more. Then a shot of some other little girl that's all "Damn, I should have cried like a little bitch." Bye Ashley, see you in the finale!

America makes their phone calls.

Matthew Knowles makes a phone call.

Wednesday night - Ha! Haley's plan worked and the producers' evil scheme is foiled yet again! Stephanie's out.

Oh and Clay Aiken hurt some girl in the audience.

Cure for "hypoglycemia": Quit the coke and eat a damn sammich!!

Nicole Richie's spokesperson said that the reason Nicole has been fainting and in the hospital because she is suffering from hypoglycemia.

Nicole fainted twice this month on the set of The Simple Life 5. Her health issues have become an issue for the E! Show.

A source said, "Four or five times she's felt really faint and almost passed out. She has to go into her trailer for a good part of the day."

But a rep for the show denies this claim and said "Nicole has reported to work each day and the results have been fantastic."

Let's see what special Asshat Hollywood correspondent Ashley has to say about this. Take it away Ashley:

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What the Asshats Are Up To

"Let's go Kate, I don't want to be late to Suri's very first e-meter reading!"

"Look Shanna, a crab!"
"CRABS!! That skank gave you CRABS?"

"Weed? Check. Shower Cap? Check. Designer Purse? Check. Stuffed Frog? DAMN, I KNEW I FORGOT SOMETHING!"

"Wow Ashley, you look awesome!! Did you lose weight? Ashley? Say something sis!"

"Hey Tyra, Latifah's had it up to here with your grandstanding. Kiss MY fat ass!"

"My new song is twice as annoying as Fergalicious!"

""The doctor said I'm clear to have the Starbucks cup uninfused from my hand!"

"Nicole!! Get over here, now that we're friends again, you get to hold my bags!"

"I could totally squeeze through and get the hell out of here!"

"Jess, just swallow it or spit it out the window!"

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