Why don't they ever put her in jail?

So Paris was stopped by the cops last night around 10:30. She was at the Virgin (ha!) Megastore in West Hollywood. She pulled out of the parking lot and forgot to turn her headlights on. She never turned them on and continued to speed down Sunset. When the cops pulled her over they discovered her license was suspended. She was issued a citation and her $200K Bently was towed away and impounded.

What's that saying? The cars running but the headlights aren't on. No, the lights are on but there's no one home. No, that's not it either. I know there's the dear one, but that doesn't apply. Oh nevermind.

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Engaged?

Star is speculating that the ring Nicole Richie was seen wearing to Paris' birthday party is an engagement ring from boyfriend Joel Madden. Doesn't really look like an engagement ring to me though. Who cares anyway? Even if it is, they'll call it off in two weeks.

I don't think they're ready for that jelly

One of Wolfgang Puck's prep cooks may have exposed guests at the Sports Illustrated party to hepatitis A. The Los Angeles County Department of Health sent all guests, including Beyonce, alerts and recommended vaccinations for anyone who ate uncooked food such as sushi and fresh vegetables. So far, no illnesses have been reported. The tainted prep cook was not involved with any of the recent Oscar parties.

Damn Wolfgang, this one's going to be harder to redeem yourself from than "Puck and Pickler."

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What the fuck?

"My daughter is going through a phase of wearing jeans that are so tight she can't bend her knees in them. I have a go at her and say, 'Can't you wear something else? You have a closet full of clothes and you wear the same pants every day. And please wear a belt because I don't want to see your butt crack when you bend over.' " - Madonna

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No Cody, No!

PAGE SIX:
' February 28, 2007 -- KATHIE Lee Gifford and her son, Cody, 17, don't agree on an important issue. Which bimbo should he date - Paris Hilton , Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan? Jimmy Kimmel asked the teen that question on his ABC late-night talk show this week. Before Cody could respond, Kathie Lee jumped in: "I would prefer Britney. I've known Britney since she was 15 years old. I am one of those people who believes there is a very dear, precious person inside." Cody, who was with his sister, Cassidy, and father, Frank, disagreed: "All morals aside, I'd have to go with Paris." '


Ok, first of all, Cody's 17?!!! I feel old. I remember when she had him and wouldn't shut the hell up, acting like she was the first woman who ever gave birth. 17!! The hell? First my mom calls me and tells me how she ran into some kid I used to babysit and how he's 6 feet tall and "so hot" now. Then I found a new wrink---fine line on my forehead, now fucking Cody Gifford is 17? Don't even get me started on the Olsen twins smoking cigarettes and having sex and turning into skinny bagladies from outer space.

I'm so depressed. Is it too early to start drinking?

Oh yeah, and PARIS HILTON? Oh Cody, I'm sure he'll become one of the new members of the LA Spoiled Skanky Cokehead Crew (I know, I need a better name. Send me your suggestions) Well maybe there's hope, I mean look at his choices. He should have gone with Britney--she's probably a freak in bed.

I swear this is not photoshopped!

Here's Heather Mills on her way to a dance studio to practice for Dancing With the Stars.

So which is it?

A) She has a midg---sorry, little person in her bag that is trying to escape by kicking her in the ass.

B) Marc Jacobs has lost his mind.

C) She is donating her used legs to the less fortunate limbless people at the Goodwill drop.

D) She's just carrying her spare legs.


If you said D, congrats you win the prize!! (sorry, there really isn't a prize)

I guess it's like golf where they have a different club for each type of hole. She probably has a tango leg, a waltz leg, a samba leg, etc. But isn't that cheating?

Change, Nothing Stays the Same

FROM PAGE SIX:
' February 27, 2007 -- THE fabled Van Halen reunion tour set for this summer has been derailed, thanks to a new set of ego clashes within the always-troubled band. David Lee Roth was to have hit the road with Eddie Van Halen for the first time since 1984, but concert promoter Live Nation has "shut down" the tour, says the L.A. Times. Roth told the paper: "We have fragile politics in Van Halen, please accept that as a partial answer." Roth's publicist told us she couldn't comment. '

Ok, is anyone really shocked? I was just hoping they would play a few shows first. But maybe it's all for the best and we should just remember them when they were at their peak instead of the trainwreck this would have been.

James Blunt ran over his fan

James Blunt ran over an autograph seeker's foot early Saturday morning while trying to leave a pre-Oscar party.

Celebrity photographer Jody Santos told STAR, "When James left the party with his girlfriend Petra Nemcova at about 2 a.m., they were surrounded by photographers and autograph seekers. When the valet brought their car, they jumped in and James drove really slowly because there were so many people around his car. He sped up and the next thing you know, some guy was lying on the street! Fortunately I saw him slowly get up."

People yelled for James to stop, but he either didn't hear them or ignored them. Santos continued, "There was a lot of chaos, so he probably couldn't hear them or just wasn't aware, but I would imagine he felt something when he ran over the poor guy. Maybe he thought it was a speed bump."

When Star tried to ask about the incident, James' publicist snapped, "You should not ask that type of question at an Oscar event!" Well she does have a point, the Oscars way more important than some regular person's health.

What an asshat!! Who is stupid enough to run over someone's foot with a car? (Kate, if you are reading this: SHUT IT!)

At least he got some material for a new hit:

I left a party
I got in my car
I tried to leave
But didn't get far
I felt something under my front wheel
I thought it was a cat
But then some guy was screaming
So I guess it wasn't that

Your foot will heal
Your foot will heal
Your foot will heal
It's true.
I saw your toes, they were flattened I suppose
And you'll have to buy new shoes
Sorry, I guess it was the booze

Shut up Gwyneth!

God, does the gibberish ever stop flowing out of Gwyneth's mouth? She told Gayle King (Oprah's girlfriend) Sunday at the Oscars, "I've been at home being a housewife, which is amazing and I've loved every second of it." She also referred to her job as mother and wife as "definitely the hardest job." "It's 24 hours a days, seven days a week and they want you present and real and connected and there – but it's been the best three years of my life."

Give me a damn break! Like she's clipping coupons, eating Bon Bons, and watching Days of Our Lives! Hey Asshat, you cannot be a housewife when you are a millionaire and have nannies and housekeepers and private jets. It's so hard though! The kids actually want you to be present! Please, I'd love to see her on an episode of Trading Spouses. Have her switch with the God Warrior.

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Free Bobby!

Bobby Brown was arrested Sunday evening outside his daughter's cheerleading competition in Massachusetts for failing to appear in court and pay child support fines for two teenage children (LaPrincia and Bobby III) he had with a woman named Kim Ward. The judge ruled that Bobby will remain behind bars until he pays the $19,150 he owes in back child support. Then he has to pay another $5,500 support payment on Thursday. Apparently he made this deal with his babymama when he was still famous (and married to Whitney) and could afford to make the payments. Now he's a brokeass so he's still sitting in jail, according to TMZ.


So take note all you current and aspiring young R&B stars: make it your prerogative to wear a condom because you never know what tomorrow will bring.

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Oscar Party time!

"Oh Penelope, at least you were nominated! Here drink mine. I know! Why don't you adopt an African boy? That will make you feel better. Hey there's one!"

"What the hell Madonna? That's my son!"

"Oh my god, here it comes.......BEST ART DIRECTION!!"

"You know sis, after six rum and cokes, that dress doesn't look so bad."

"Help me balance Kate, these lifts are hard to walk in."
"Hell no, I look way too fabulous for you to hold me up."
"Ok, somebody needs to go back to the Center for some reprogramming."

"What do you mean what are we doing here?"

"I told you Jennifer Hudson was better than your racist show and would win an Oscar! Aw hell, you're still damn sexy though."

Kid - "So Sheryl, I hear you're single again. I am too, wanna give it another shot?"

Sheryl - "Who the hell are you?"

"Aww memories, cute."
"I know, let's get another one but this time with Celine punching her chest!
HEY CELINE, COME HERE!!"

"LOOK! It's Kojak!! I thought he was dead"
"Um, that's Jack Nicholson mom."

"Forest, why do people keep smelling my ass?"

Gwenyth "Oh Sasha, I do hate those stupid Americans! Look at them! Hahaha......oh wait, I didn't mean you Latifah. Really, I'm sorry."

Ha, Helen can party harder than Vince and Jaime!
Vince looks like he's about to hurl (why does he look so skinny? and tall? and scary?) Jaime's all "Do you remember when I won the Oscar? Wanna hear about my grandmother again?"

PHOTOS

Those kids just may make it!

PAGE SIX reports today that Hugh Hefner will marry Holly Madison (the girlfriend that kind of looks like a bizarro Gwen Stefani) before the end of the year. If he's still alive, that is.

Smart girl, get in there right at the end. Then again, be careful Holly. Three words: Anna Nicole Smith.

Asshat of the Week!

This week's honor goes to our greasy friend Brandon Davis. Now normally, if you make Paris Hilton cry, you become awesome in my book, but NO ONE fucks with Paula Abdul! With Styrofoam flower-holders no less!

Here'what went down at (this week's) 26th birthday party for Paris Hilton according to the NY Daily News:

' The hotel heiress was reduced to tears after oily heir Brandon Davis' lewd behavior drove Courtney Love, Paula Abdul and others from the dinner celebrating Paris' 26th year, according to witnesses.

Around 10 p.m., Davis started acting up. "He was hurling flowers at Paula Abdul," says a guest. "Then he began bombing her with Styrofoam flower-holders. He was shouting, 'Lick my [BLEEP], Paula!' He started mocking her ancestry by speaking gibberish in an Arabic accent.

"Stavros and Paris tried to stop him. Paris said, 'Shut up, you're wasted!'" But it was too late. Abdul, who was due to sing "Happy Birthday," made an early exit.

Davis then turned his dim beams on Love. "He lifted her up so that she was straddling his waist," says a witness. "Her Chanel dress was riding up. Brandon was saying, 'I want to squirt on you.' He was humping Courtney in front of her daughter, Frances Bean. When he put her down, Courtney grabbed Frances and they marched out of the restaurant through the kitchen."

It didn't stop there. "He was knocking over glasses and candles on the table," says a source. "Paris was crying to her mother, 'This is not my fault!'"

After Davis was encouraged to leave, Paris blew out the candles on her cake and everyone headed to an after-party at her house.

"Incredibly, Brandon showed up at Paris' place," says a source. "Security guided him downstairs. They were under orders to keep him away from Paris."

A Davis family spokesman declined to comment and Brandon, whose infamous nightclub antics include dubbing Lindsay Lohan "Firecrotch," could not be reached. '

Dude, when Courtney "Suck on these, guy at Wendy's" Love is disgusted by you, you got problems.

Expect to hear about Brandon checking into rehab sometime later today.

Seen and heard that Oscars

"It's ok, you can laugh at my joke. I'm not a racist like Kramer."

"When they showed me that jacket, I said HELL NO!! But they made me wear it."

I loved this! The dance troupe that twists their bodies to interpret the movies. I think this was Basic Instinct 2.

Jack and Diane pay homage to Britney. Jack brought the bald head, Diane brought the crazy.

"Oh don't worry about Marc, I brought extra embalming fluid!"

R.I.P. Snuffleupagus

"Go home Ryan, you ain't with me and Crash was last year loser!"

{Thinking} Sound grateful, even though you want to yell 'WHAT THE HELL TOOK YOU FUCKERS SO LONG?!!'


Photos 1
and 2

Who looked worse?

The sad part is each of these fugly dresses cost more than my car.

OR

So now that we know there will be no Borat to look forward to, we need some way to entertain ourselves for the 11 hours of the Oscars Sunday night. I've decided to turn to the old tried and true friend: Alcohol. So put on your prom dress, grab a couple bottles of Asti and lets play:

THE 2007 ACADEMY AWARDS DRINKING GAME

Red Carpet (depending on which red carpet you're watching)

DRINK!:

• Every time an interviewer asks "Who are you wearing?"
• Every time a celebrity laughs that they don't know and has to ask his or her publicist.
• Every time Joan Rivers mispronounces someone's name or refers to a movie a different actor/actress was in.
  
• Every time Joan Rivers makes a joke about her breasts being down to her knees.
• Every time the camera cuts to Melissa rolling her eyes and/or shaking her head at her mother.
• Every time Ryan Seacrest catches himself knowing more about fashion than the person he's interviewing.
• Every time Ryan Seacrest makes an unconvincing comment about how hot a female celebrity looks.
  
• Every time a celebrity looks uncomfortable or pissy at being interviewed. (hint: look for Angelina)
• Every time they are in the middle of interviewing someone and the camera cuts to someone more interesting while you can still hear the interview. (E! does this a lot)
• Every time a "Back to you_____!" gets botched (there is no audio, the person is not aware, etc)
• Every time a woman gets tripped up in her train.
• Every time someone who has no business being there shows up. (I'm talkin' bout you Timberlake!)

The Show

DRINK!:

• Every time Ellen dances. (I bet $10 she does the Little Miss Sunshine dance with Abigail Whateverherlastnameis)
  
• Every time they show Jack Nicholson sitting in the front row with his sunglasses on. He's so cool even at 106!
  
• Every time someone thanks God, first and foremost.
  
• Every time someone jokes about having a list "just in case."
• Every time they show a losing nominee graciously applaud and fake-smile after the winner is announced.
• Every time a winner continues talking after the shutupmusic starts playing. (take two shots if they actually say "I'm going to keep talking.")
• Every time a winner thanks their kids at home and cleverly says "You better go to bed now!"
• Every time the more popular dead people come on the "In Memorium" and the applause changes from polite clapping to really loud cheering. (I wonder if they'll show Anna Nicole)
• Every time you change the channel to check in on The Surreal Life during the 30 minute lifetime achievement award segment.
  

The Post- Show

• Post-show? Dude, you should be totally passed out by now. If you are still playing, you're either A) not playing correctly or B) Lindsay Lohan
  

You suck Oscar!

Sacha Baron Cohen was asked to be a presenter at the Academy Awards but declined because show producers wouldn't allow him to appear as Borat. Spoilsports! He will still attend though, hopefully in character. I really hope he wins and when he goes up to make his acceptance speech he brings the fat guy with him and they reenact the fight scene onstage.

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What the Fuck?

Not eliminated?!

Britney back in rehab..............again

K-Fed's lawyer confirmed through a spokesman that Britney has re-re-checked into rehab. He also said that the emergency custody hearing has been canceled because of this new development.

So does this mean that K-Fed was using his threats for good instead of greed? Could be. TMZ says K-Fed will immediately go to court seeking orders allowing him unquestioned full custody of the children if Britney ditches again before treatment is complete. TMZ also reported that Britney went to his house last night to see the kids and he wouldn't let her in. Wow!! This is a major face-turn for Kevin! (oh my god, I think that may be the first time I referred to him as "Kevin." Stop the madness!)

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Asshat of the Week

We haven't had an Asshat of Week in a while, so no better time than now since Justin Timberfuck provided this mighty assoriffic quote to MTV.

On Britney's shaved head he says:

'It was a smart choice, she is starting over, cleaning herself up. It was something you wouldn't expect most people to do, so she is taking a chance.'


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Um, yeah! Smart!

I suppose I could give him the benefit of the doubt that he was trying to say something nice and optimistic about his ex-girlfriend, but I'm not going to because he annoys the ever-loving shit out of me.

Congrats Kimberly!

Marcia Cross gave birth on Tuesday to twin girls. She gave them porn star names: Eden and Savannah. Her rep says mother and babies are doing fine.

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Pete: "She's just a fuckfriend"

Fall Out Boy's Pete Wentz totally dissed rumored girlfriend Asshat Simpson in an interview in Rolling Stone magazine. Pete said, "Maybe in a different universe, we'd be some hot couple, but not in this one." He then added, "I'm attracted to creative people and train wrecks, and there's no shortage of that in Los Angeles."

I don't get it, she definitely qualifies as a trainwreck, she's probably not a creative enough trainwreck.

BTW- He totally ripped off that "different universe" line from Singles.

PAGE SIX:

Please give the kids to K-Fed!

Kevin Federline has been granted an emergency hearing in family law court, obviously due to Britney's recent whacked behavior. I never thought I would say this but I hope K-Fed gets full custody of those kids! SOURCE

I guess I'm not the only one. Us Magazine is reporting that even Britney's own mother is siding with K-Fed, helping him and his mother care for Sean Preston and Jayden James while Britney's been unraveling.

Meanwhile, PAGE SIX ran the following "blind item" today:

' WHICH hard-partying celeb takes her escapades well into the next morning? Sources saw her snorting lines at 10 a.m., but the real problem isn't coke - waitresses at Privilege overheard her demanding "meth" from her friends. '

This has really gotten sad.

Anna Nicole tried to reach out to Britney

This is kind of creepy yo!



FROM US WEEKLY:

' Six months before Anna Nicole Smith’s tragic death, the pregnant TrimSpa spokesmodel reached out via video to fellow pregnant celeb Britney Spears, Us has learned.

In the video, an 8-months-pregnant Smith directly addressed Spears, who was also expecting her second child (their respective babies, Dannielynn and Jayden, were born five days apart in September): “If you see this for some oddball reason – because I look at your stuff, too [referring to Spears’ Web site] – and you want to be friends, I would love so much to hang out with you,” she said. “I think you’re totally cool, and I think we’re about to have babies around the same time…I would just love to meet you.”

Smith finished up with her contact info: “You can call my lawyer, my best friend, my confidant Howard Stern. I think everyone has his number. He’ll give it out to you, Britney. Take cares [sic], and I hope that you do great on your second pregnancy. I’m sure you won’t even see this, but if you do, I’d really love to talk to you. Bye.” '


Could you imagine if that hookup ever happened? It's a good thing for us all that it didn't , the earth would probably have spontaneously combusted from all the crazy.

Oops she did it again!

Brit checked out again
Then tried to get a tattoo
But the shop was closed

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ANOTHER PREGNANT CELEB

Congrats to Naomi Watts and boyfriend Liev Schreiber who are expecting their first child together!

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Till Divorce Do Us Part

Dave Navarro and Carmen Electra are officially single again. Their divorce was finalized yesterday in Los Angeles. They will split their eyeliner and other assets according to a premarital agreement. They will also both waive spousal support. Boo!!! This is way too amicable!! Where's the insults? Where's the accusations? Where's the dirt? Where's the interviews to Entertainment Tonight? Where's the damn beef? (Close your shirt Dave, I wasn't talking about you!)

Oh well, best of luck to them both. Hey Carmen, I dig guys in makeup too, but maybe try someone who wears less than you this time.

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Anyone else smell bullshit?

From Ok! Magazine:

' Jennifer Aniston reached out to former husband Brad Pitt and his partner Angelina Jolie after the death of Angelina’s mom, Marcheline Bertrand. She sent the couple a note offering her condolences, a gesture that touched Brad and paved the way for the former lovers to reconnect. “Jen was deeply moved by the suffering Brad and Angelina were going through,” a friend of the actress tells OK!. “Having been through a medical crisis with her own father last summer, Jen was able to relate on a very personal level to the pain of losing a parent you love.” With her own life on the right track (there have been signs she may reconcile with ex-boyfriend Vince Vaughn) Jen seems okay with the notion of finally being friends again with Brad. '


Sorry, I'm Team Aniston, but I just can't buy this one. It's like Jen's publicist wants to out-saint Saint Angelina.

Dancing With the Stars Fourth Season Cast revealed!

It's true, Heather "Stumpy" Mills has indeed signed on. I predict she will be the first person voted off.

Also in the cast: Billy Ray "Bring Back the Mullet" Cyrus, Leeza Gibbons (Entertainment Tonight "anchorwoman"), Joey Fatone (the chubby one in N'Sync), Laila Ali (Muhammad's daughter), Vincent "Big Pussy" Pastore (he's gonna have a heart attack!), Apolo Anton Ohno (Olympic speed skating champion), Paulina Porizkova (Rick Ocasek's supermodel wife), Clyde Drexler (basketball Hall of Famer), Ian "I'm Steve Sanders Bitch" Ziering, Shandi Finnessey (2004 Miss USA--yawn)


It seems like every season, the definition of "stars" gets broader and broader huh?. I bet next season they'll have movie extras and Sanjaya Malakar.

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Lindsay update: Dazed, Confused, and Wobbly

FROM STAR:

'Having left rehab for the weekend, fun-loving Lindsay Lohan, 20, hit hot L.A. club Les Deux, where worried spies say she looked "confused and wobbly" on Feb. 16 as she partied for three hours until 2 a.m. '


You know what though? Compared to Britney, she's kind of boring.